Feeling beyond defeated

[BrokenHope]

Everything in my life is crumbling. I don’t want to do anything but sleep n hide from my awful reality. I tried to go to my family Christmas party yesterday ...got dressed, put on my face, drove halfway there and fell to pieces. Makeup ruined and no wanting to talk to anyone I turned around and went home. My neighbor came over to ask me to come over and eat w other friends....I tried but couldn’t make myself do anything but cry. I went to bed and just cried and slept all until 2pm today. I want to be with family and friends but I am so sad and miserable I know I wouldn’t be the fun person they know. I am trapped in my own mind of sadness, tears and now guilt for no going to either party. I’m a private person so I don’t tell people my problems. They can’t help me and no one can I feel. My ex husband is making my life miserable. He stopped paying support and now I can’t pay my bills. I have always paid my bills on time and had good credit. Now I am two months behind and because of him too my credit score has dropped 100 points. I’ve made payment arrangements got a payment in and it starts all over again. No Christmas this year, first time since the early 1990’s. He has always been irresponsible w money and I don’t say this as jealously cause I can’t stand him but I feel sure his girlfriend is no missing Christmas and her bills are paid. He is over 9k behind now too. My attorney is doing what they do but I cannot keep going w all this wrecking my life at every turn. For every two steps forward and 5 steps backward.......I am Not in any mental condition to work and he pushes and pushes me to do so. How am I going to sit through just the simplest interview wo crying all over the interviewer. I stay so wound up, n just fall to pieces. I feel useless, no purpose in life, and I don’t see anything remotely changing. I have two nice leather coats I wanted to sell to pay some bills but it is overwhelming to attempt to accomplish even the smallest task. I just put it down , sigh and go stare at the ceiling. I can’t call my psychiatrist because I still have his bill to pay. Besides, he tells me I need counseling....I think that easy for you to say that, you have money to pay for that. I don’t. So he renews my prescriptions and the cycle remains the same. So see I have to figure all this out by myself w no help at all and I have had this burden for a few years now and I feel my back is beginning to break carrying all this as well as my mind. I pray, i jumble possible answers in my mind but in reality, no of those answers will work because another cog in the machine is missing and all because he won’t follow a court order. What kind of person just disregards a judges order to pay what he wants to pay instead of what the judge ordered him to pay. For 3 months I’ve been trying to get a contempt of court filed w my attorney yet she has the audacity to send me a bill for $4,100 and a actual Christmas card! So you see why I just want to give up and bury my head under my pillow? I mentally and physically cannot take anymore. I have a rash all over me now and I can’t even see a doctor about it. When or will I ever know how to be happy, self confident, an bit of self esteem ever? I am so lonely for a decent man in my life but I think to myself “who would even want this messed up pile of crazy” .....no one. No man would ever love me enough to do that. I’m not saying rescue me, just love and support me emotionally as I would him.....just sit there and listen if I say something if he can’t offer any advice. Just hold me and reassure me I am not alone in this world and so......I am so lost, alone, severely depressed at every area of my life. People say only you can change your own life but they don’t say what are you supposed to do when you tried everything to change your life and nothing worked?? They blame you for not trying hard enough or find another reason of what you should have or could have tried......they just don’t get it....I did it all and I am still a complete failure! Then they give up on you! And again here i am. Broken into even more pieces as one more person has given up on me again.....sorry for the long post. I don’t know what’s left for me anymore......please help me 😰

[blueorganic1021]

BrokenHope,

I’m so sorry to hear you are having so many troubles. This year has been a major challenge for us all and it always seems like Christmas is the hardest time to have to go through anything so that makes it even harder. Is there anyone you could reach out to that is somewhere close to your area such as a neighbor, a friend, another relative? Maybe they could offer you a hand in some way or at least be there to listen. I’m know I’m not close but I’m still here to listen if you wanna talk.

Hugs for you 💙

[BrokenHope in reply to blueorganic1021]

I try to reach out to a neighbor friend but she is one of those tough love doesn’t get why I just don’t do this or do that. It’s pointless w her....I have two sisters that live very close to me. One I cannot trust but the other is my best friend and she has been through hell and back yet she keeps going. She is handicapped, always in pain but never ever complains. I talk to her and she listens and understands me better than anyone. The sister I cannot trust is always negative and doom n gloom so much so friends and most family avoid her. She is a champion at gossip too The world owes her mentality. I tell you all this because I don’t want to people to distance from me and I know I thank God I found this site w people who really get the hopeless feelings of depression. I wish I could talk to my mother but she’s 83 yrs old and fearful of the COVID virus getting her and my 85yr old stepdad. I can’t add to her worries. My mom is a tough lady anyway and she will throw her usual response of “put your big girl panties on and handle it”......her generation doesn’t believe in therapy. Problem just fix it. I hope tomorrow is better. Maybe? I pray so! I wish you all the best for the new year.

[blueorganic1021 in reply to BrokenHope]

How sweet! Thank you! And you too! Hang in there, things will get better, as long as we never give up! We only fail if we quit. 💙

[bonkers65]

I'm sorry you are having so much stress in your life right now. I hope things get better for you soon.

[Hidden]

Hey, 2020 has been crazy for everyone. I'm so sorry you're going through all this nonsense with your ex husband. I know you say you're a private person, but maybe it's time you let some of your family and friends or other people who know you well know some of what your going through. And before you decide to sell your coats I would try some other ways of getting some help financially, even contacting some charities like the Salvation Army or St. Vincent de Paul and explaining your situation. You could at least get help with food and that would free up more money to pay other bills. You are not a failure just because you're not working right now. Don't give up hope!!!!!!!

[IChoose]

I would add Jewish Family Services to a reply regarding charitable outreach below. It does sound like you would benefit from a combination of mental health care, case management and social work. If you are poor enough you can get that from County Mental Health. You could still try. By the way, sleeping is not so bad when you're overwhelmed. The stress must be unbelievable. I think anyone would crack up. Please stay away from alcohol and drugs. If your ex owes child support he could go to jail, although that does not help you. They call them "dead beat dads."

[gleason9guy]

This too shall pass.

[sweetiepye]

Can your family help you ? I know that might be hamulating for you but this run awat train has got to be stopped . Instead of looking to strangers for help look to family and friends first and give them a chance to step up. Hopefully you will be surprised . If talking is hard, print your post out and let them read it. I understand how alone you must feel . Please try to get some help for yourself. Fire your attorney, don't sell your coats you won't get enough to help and you do need coats .

Keep posting here...we won't let you down. Pam

[BrokenHope in reply to sweetiepye]

I lost a lot of friends. It’s true you find out who your friends are when you are down. The hard part about my family is I was the one my mom didn’t have to worry about. When I was married to current ex, I would help whomever needed help like groceries or medicine or help how ever I could. Things are quite different now as I financially cannot help myself let alone anyone else. So it seems because of that, I don’t have friends I thought there were anyway. My sister is my best friend and is always there. She barely gets by and is handicapped but she listens. She means the world to me. There is no one else. Thank you for listening to me.....I know I need help and you did give me some good suggestions.....I try to figure things out alone but this is the worst it’s ever been and I thank God I found this site with such kind nonjudgmental and understanding people like you. Bless you.

[sweetiepye in reply to BrokenHope]

I have also lost friends and I am also a giver . I could see it in people's faces that my problems didn't interest them . I don't think I droned on about things. As I remember I think as I could no longer help them they disappeared. Is there anyway you and your sister could join forces and combine households ?

I have used anti depressants with good results . It takes awhile before they start to work , but when that defeated feeling leaves you it is wonderful. I think they can be very effective along with therapy .

This site has helped so many of us . There are some wonderful people here.

[VDC1]

Hi, I’m sorry you’re so lost right now. I’ve been there too. I don’t know the details of your situation, but sounds like you’re in a codependent relationship. If codependency is occurring, you’ve got to end it by whatever means possible. You’ve got to get your financial and emotional independence back. I was in a situation like that myself, on anxiety meds and hiding away, someone else paying my bills and I had no motivation to work, and felt like crap. I know it’s not easy. I realized I had to break free and I literally got on a bus with $500 and no job, no nothing, and left town. I survived because it was my only choice. It was hard but much easier than wallowing in self pity and ruminating in circles about my depression. That’s not a good environment for your mind. It seems impossible but if you make small changes, you’ll see it isn’t so impossible.

Anxiety meds are not and will never be miracle pills and in many cases can make things worse, at least in my experience. You might be better off spending that money on Epsom salts and Omega supplements. Focus on the basics regarding your health. Are you getting exercise? Simply walking each day may be more useful to your health than pills. Is your diet balanced? Etc.

I get what it’s like to be indecisive during depression. Finding work is a problem right now for a lot of people but you can’t expect a perfect situation. Once my apartment flooded a week before I got laid off from my job and a crew of people were doing restoration work while I’m sitting in my boxers in the living room with a laptop scared as hell trying to find work. There’s no carpet or walls, and banging and vacuums and I’m applying for jobs making phone calls.

Don’t look for a perfect situation. You might not get the dream job you want but you might find something that will help you feel better about yourself and get you out in the world again.

Selling your coats is not a sustainable plan. Keep your coat and put it on, and get out of the house.

Good luck

[Musicever]

No no one is a failure or useless as long as we are here in this world...as long as we always want to be good and didn't do bad things like bad guys and as long as we are born here we are not failures at all! Even if we done wrong before we can be good again and we will not be a failure at all! And I hope everything will be better for you too as I experienced like this sometimes too when I am down and yes the medical fees are so expensive here too so I cannot consult psychiatrist very often too and struggling to see whether I can consult or not...I only hope the medical fees will be cheaper and not for money but for helping needy people like us...and I hope everything will be better for you as soon as possible!

[Pinkeye901]

Hi broken hope. Sounds like you're carrying too much weight on your shoulders. I see that you also mentioned your boyfriend being irresponsible and not helpful. Staying with or being around toxic and negative people will drain your energy and stress you out. Some ppl don't even realize that even the littlest of things can rack up over time and stress you out to the point of just wanting to hide like you said. I can't stress this enough l, but if you keep being around ppl who are negative and toxic your going to have mental issues in the long run. You said you worked so my question is how long you've been working for? I used to be able to work, but do to a nasty person at my work place I suffered mental illnesses down the road. I ask this question because maybe you can apply for ssi or sdi benefits. You'd have to have work enough years to be eligible for benefits. Apply for calfresh(food stamp) as well. Next you need to apply for medical so you can get help with therapy and stuff like that. Do I live in ca because if you do you can try to apply for Partnership Health Plan Of California. I believe your eligible for some of these things because sounds like you're in a tough financial situation. I would also like to tell you that you can try housing or hud. They help pay most of the rent. To me you'd be qualify for benefits and hud especially if you've got kids. As for work I would lay off your an a heavy rain storm and work will only add you more stress. I know this is so much to ask you to do these things cause you probably spent all your energy fighting your demons, but you've got to get up again. Trust me I know how it is to wake up and not want to clean the around the house, sleep all day to escape reality, eat junk food, watch videos on your phone until you fall asleep, hopeless, suicidal, alone, scared, worthless, and a failure. I'm going through it now. I'm a 30 m with multiple severe mental illnesses but I'm swinging even if I know it's a lost cause. Life is unpredictable and no one know the exact future, but I want you to know that there's a huge amount of people who feel the same way you do. So to recap apply for benefits, housing hud, medical or partnership of ca, and above all stay away from negative people and social media as well. I worked for about 5to 7 years and was eligible for ssdi benefits. I have records from different clinics to prove to social security that I'm unable to work. Your current situation from what I read is at a danger level and you need to seek help as soon as possible. I believe the state and gov will help you with benefits and housing if your suffering from mental break downs or mental illnesses that leave you unable to work. I applied for it found an attorney online who ask about my records to prove to social security that I'm indeed unable to work. Took me 2 years of constantly seeing therapists and taking meds, but eventually I passed and was granted benefits. You also get the lump sum of money for all that wait to be approved by social security. I got 13 grand total but had to pay my attorney 3 grand. Hope that s helps you and best of luck I hope things turn out better for you. Ohhh and if you can stay away from your boyfriend sounds like he's draining your energy. Peace.

[BrokenHope in reply to Pinkeye901]

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your thoughts w me. I need to clarify the the person making my life as difficult as humanly possible is not a boyfriend, he is my ex husband a huge narcissist. I don’t understand why he is trying to dismantle my life. I am trying so hard to keep my sanity but he is well unexplainable. People say just don’t have contact w him. It’s not quite that simple because of on going legal issues and middle of a community property stand off so to speak. He lives in another state thank God but he wants to take everything dear to me away! I am so tired emotionally and mentally. I need a break from my life...

[Baily]

Hello there, feel sooo sad for you but as someone said.....this to will pass.

Little point in me repeating what everyone else has said, I agree with them.

I come from Scotland, perhaps go to different places for financial help. Once you get your feet on the ground....mentally, the rest will follow.

I am a Christian, the only person who helped me was God himself. Without my faith I would have drowned.....God Bless you ....🙏❣️🌈