Self medicating

[AnxiousGirl87]

I've had anxiety as long as I can remember. I have vivid memories of being 6 or 7 and laying in bed hyperventilating and crying and feeling like I was dying and not understanding why. I added depression to the mix when I was about 13 or 14. That was also when I started self medicating. But I didn't understand what I was doing. But it wasn't illegal drugs or alcohol I used, it was Benedryl and food. To this day Benedryl is my go to when I feel anxious.

I don't have insurance or money to see a therapist like I know I need. The last year has been with out a doubt the worst year of my life and my anxiety and depression are worse than they've ever been. I force myself to get up because I know if I didn't I wouldn't get out of bed. I try very hard to limit the Benedryl. But some days it's the only thing that gets me through.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess just to tell someone because I hide most of this from everyone else. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this with.

[Hidden]

I feel you. I self medicate with marijuana some times and when I was in high school, oh so many moons ago, I tried all kinds of stuff. I thought I was doing better but the last three years of my life have been more confusing than middle school was. At least in middle school I could use the excuse that I was hormonal and didn't understand my emotions. So here it is all these years later and I still don't understand them. I have all but given up. I feel like everything is useless and pointless. I feel like I am just waiting to die. The anxiety and depression suck. Now I have added anger and self harm to the list. I don't cut, I beat myself to bruising. I have no health insurance and no options for care. I am a lost soul...I'm sorry you're dealing with it too. I hope we can both find some help.

[AnxiousGirl87 in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this as well. It's awful and exhausting.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer in reply to Hidden]

Alwayssearching we want to help! My tagline says I'm a volunteer but that's only because I'm someone who will answer your messages and be compassionate. I'm in the exact same boat as you. Perhaps I am ignorant but I feel like every area has some sort of mental help if you can find it. Have you searched for your county and Community Mental Health? When I search my County which is Ingham County Michigan I find a Community Mental Health Service with websites phone numbers. Could you possibly do the same?

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

I have used Benadryl a time or two or a hundred but I didn't feel bad about it? In most places you can find access to a free therapist, may I ask what country you are in? Just telling someone is the point of a lot of our posts here, one of the many reasons why it's a great place.

[AnxiousGirl87 in reply to kinikia95]

I don't feel bad about taking the benedryl. It's keeping me sane. I juse wish I didn't have to. I'm in the United States. I've looked and looked and looked there is nothing going around here.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

I hear you. I'm in the US too, michigan. I'm older now but once upon a time I had Medicaid and that worked beautifully. I'm not sure how things are now but there usually is a community mental health in each county. And back in the day Community Mental Health was helpful. If you like and you want to tell me which state and county you are in I would be glad to do some research. Of course I respect your privacy. You can tell me here or not tell me at all or tell me in a private message but I know in Michigan there are resources so I feel like your state would be the same? Up to you.

[kinikia95 ADAA Volunteer]

I searched just this quick and if you happened to be in my county you would have resources so I'm hoping that your area is the same.

[Riley20]

I used to rock in a chair for hours banging my head against the chair at 10 yrs old . It gave me a feeling of calm.