I've been in a toxic relationship for over 7 years. It's a lot of emotional "toxin" which gets better at times but more deadly each time it blows up. I know it's not healthy for me and adds to my already huge struggle with having MDD, GAD, etcetra. At one point I was able to quit this relationship for 6 months before my heart gave in. This relationship has a complicated history, I think everyone says that, lol. I struggle with wanting this person out of my life because of the heartache but I also struggle with the heartache of not having him in it and losing him. I truly love him and it's a feeling I have never experienced with another. I don't know how to walk away without my heart being in extreme pain. Each time we blow up, I do get a little more fed up with the cycle and more stern with myself and my feelings that I don't have to put up with it. I'm 41 and have faced many experiences, I just don't know how to quit this one and my brain checks out with him and my heart takes over. I know having very low self esteem doesn't help the issue. Feeling that I only want him doesn't help either.