What is going on with me, I'm a happy person now

[torenees]

good morning. I am new on here. I have been dealing with depression / anxiety my whole life. 46 yr old female. abused as a child and then 27 yrs in an abusive marriage. divorced 6 yrs ago ,4 1/2 yrs ago met and 3 yrs ago married a wonderful man. I have been on celexa 10mg for the past 4 yrs with good results . recently, i have started to feel very negative about everything. I feel weak and unmotivated. I worry that my husband ( of 3 yrs) wont be able to deal with this. I have always been honest about it, so he knows i am diagnosed . But I have been so happy ever since we met. So yesterday he seemed to be taking my behavior very personal. maybe i did avoid him but only because i dont want him to see me like this. I don't want to be like this and i can't make it stop. This is not me, I thought i would never go thru this again. I"M A HAPPY PERSON NOW......what is going on. do i need to change or increase medicine. this frightens me . its the only med and dose that ever has helped. also i am a recovering addict. i just don't need this. i had a major panic attack this morning. could not breathe , my body went numb, chest pain, crying , praying, begging for it to stop. but no control and this I could not hide . Besides the fact that my entire body is hurting from this attack, i feel embarrassed and ashamed. somebody please help me. until 2 months ago . i went monthly to counseling for 2 years. recieved a bill of $1100 plus....they said insurance had not covered my counselor. so every time i went and paid a copay, i was only paying 1/3 of my bill. so i have stopped going . i can' t afford it. HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP

[Serenidad]

You are going through so many things at once. Stop and take a deep breath. Believe me when I say you are not alone in your struggle. I'm 40 years old and have fought depression since I was a teenager. I was married for 16 years and have been alone now for 5 years. I went through a really good streak after my divorce but this past year my depression has crept its nasty head again. It got so bad this month I knew it was time to get help. The doctor increased my dosage and for the past three days I have felt the difference. I know we tend to be embarrassed by our condition. I encourage you to share with your husband that you need help.

[torenees in reply to Serenidad]

thank you for replying to my message of desperation. i wish i could say that i am better than i was 2 days ago, but this morning i honestly feel sick to my stomach and like i can't breathe. yesterday was thanksgiving and while i struggled to get thru the day and not have a negative affect on my family. it took all of my strength and every ounce of energy i could muster up jus to stand and sit up. i know in my heart that i have so much to be thankful for , i know i do....but all i can feel is negative. i went deer hunting with my husband. at the end of the day i thought he would have had a better day alone. we had dinner with my mother and at the end of the day all i could think was .....did my mother sit at the table alone while everyone was in the living room eating with my pops (my stepdad) and the others were on the porch. she did all this work and i think she may have sat alone . i feel so sick inside . how can i be so selfish , so stupid. i am going to the dr today if they are open. please pray that they are open and can help me quickly. i feel like the life has been sucked right out of me. I can only compare this weak drained feeling to when i had cancer. i felt unexplainably tired and weak. the difference is my mind, my thoughts , and my emotions were strong and positive when i went thru cancer. I am sorry to go on and on. thank you again for responding.

[Serenidad in reply to torenees]

I'll pray for you this morning. If your doctor isn't open, see if you could find a walk in clinic. And if that doesn't work and you feel you can't wait until Monday, just go to the emergency room.

Holidays are the most difficult for me. This past week I decided to face the things I had been worrying about head on. Maybe you can go spend time with your mom today.

Have you found someone you can be truly be honest with how you are feeling at home? Having an advocate nearby can be helpful.

Don't ever feel you have to apologize here for how you feel or what you say. We understand for we also live it.

[jcowart ADAA Volunteer]

Your insurance company should be able to give you a list of therapists who do accept your insurance. Your insurance card should have a telephone number to call for information. Call the number and tell them what you need. Also, the ADAA website recommends a book that helps with panic attacks. Take a look. Good luck!

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you are at this point in time. I suppose it's easier said than done, but please don't feel any shame for your feelings or your panic attack; you are sick and need help, that's all. Sounds easy but as you know feeling better and recovering from depression, anxiety or any mental health disorder takes hard work and patience. Which I believe is why so many simply can't or don't want to put the effort into it. Your brain is telling you everything is terrible, it's all ruined, I'll never be happy again, I can't do that!

I've been there and I'm going through it currently, in fact I've been in a depressive state for close to 9 years! It's had its ups and downs but I've not gotten back to 'Me' and sometimes I wonder if I ever will so I just wanted you to know that I understand exactly how you feel!!!

I think you should sit down with your husband and explain to him what this is that you are going through, this is how it makes you feel and these are some of your behaviors when you are depressed. It seems this is most likely due to the stress from your recent unexpected bill at your therapists office and the lack of your regular psychotherapy. You must to tell him how he can best support you during this crisis. Some folks think they are helping and doing the right/best thing by you when in fact it may not be what You need, everyone is different.

In one of the other posts they suggested you call your insurance company, I totally agree. You should find a psychiatrist and therapist that accept your insurance. Actually they should have informed you of this before you began your sessions with your previous therapist. Most offices will not even schedule you for an appointment with a provider who does not accept your carrier, possibly they will work with you on the bill and their charges. I'm not sure how large the office is but there may be more therapists in the practice and one of them may accept your insurance. If you like that office and feel comfortable there perhaps that would be the easiest place to begin? I'd give it a try.

You also mentioned you are a recovering addict, what was your drug of choice, if you don't mind me asking? I don't know if you are on any medication assisted therapy for your addiction or any meds for your mental health disorder. If you are perhaps you need an adjustment? These are all things you should let you husband know about and most importantly your physician needs to know too.

Sorry this is so lengthy I know it can become uninteresting but I felt a connection with your story and thought I could be of some help. The things I mentioned are things I have learned over the years, in a sense, by trial and error. Hang in there my dear you will get back on track again but it is very important to explain all of this to your spouse not only so he can best help you but also for him, so he can make sense of what is going on. I would imagine he's at a loss if this is the first time he has seen you when you are sick. Not everyone understands depression and anxiety or behavioral health in general. Most of the time after receiving some basic education on the topic at hand your loved one/s are much more helpful and understanding when you need it most.

I wish you well! And once you are feeling back to your regular Happy self stop back and say Hello!

Take care my friend...

[torenees in reply to Hidden]

thank you for thoughts and prayers.....i was not able to see dr as they were closed . my husband and i decided to double my celexa to 20mg and go to dr when they open this week. yesterday i really didn't accomplish anything although i did draw and paint . i drew a deer and when my husband saw it , he said you need to thin his neck out a bit its too wide and then apologized for saying it. sometimes i just feel like i will never be good at anything. i guess i have felt that way my whole life. when i was 6 or 7 my papa told me not to ever put all my eggs in one basket and today i think i finally understand. i have been trying so hard to be normal to be happy to start over from the life i have lived for so many years. i stepped into this relationship with my husband thinking that if i could love him better , be different than i was with my ex that we could truly be happy. in this process i have basically put him and his children above even my own children. my children are 31, 29, and 27. but for the past 5 yrs i have tried harder to help him maintain and restore his relationships than my own. he has become my 1 basket of eggs. my life revolves around him. i have come to rely on him for all my needs mentally , emotionally, physically and somewhat even spiritually. this is very unfair to both he and i. i was told for so many years by my ex that i don't know how to love and that if i could just love him the way i should we would be so happy. there must be a middle ground. and i apparrently have no sense of balance . love had become a word, a very emotionless cold word to me. i heard too much and was literally forced to say it as much but did not feel a thing. i have been so determined to be and do different in this relationship that i can't help but wonder , have i went so far the extreme opposite that once again i have lost myself , there is no me. the people and things that should matter to me don't. and now i find myself feeling resentful for this life i have so diligently created. i feel very weak. i am not someone that anyone could be proud of or honestly even respect. i am not good at anything and have very negative feelings and thoughts when others are. i just so wish that i could do good at something . feel good about something. make someone proud. make them feel loved and good . i am stopping here as i am making myself sick to my stomach. i am so sorry to go on and on. thank you again