I don't know what is going on with me.

[midoalca]

Hello I'm new here. My name is Midory. I've always been the ignorant person who didn't believe in depression and anxiety. These past two years I've had very strong problems and now I feel like everything is finally hitting me at once. I cry and get frustrated out of no where. I'm always mad and negative towards everything. I feel like I have no inspiration. I have never felt so alone. I'm not sure if i'm just being dramatic or if this is what depression and anxiety is. I was completely fine when the year started even with all the problems I went through. Now not so much. I feel like me admitting to this is also very hard. I just want to stop having break downs and feel inspired again. (Sorry this was so long or if I did it wrong)

[Inhisbelly]

Hi Midory. I'm so sorry for what you're struggling with. I struggle with depression (specifically, bipolar disorder) and anxiety daily so I empathize with you. Sometimes if we suppress our emotions or numb while significant life events and hardships are happening, they can come back to bite us in the rear later on. I believe this is what Frida Kahlo meant when she said "I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim." I'm not sure how problematic these events you went through were, but these new moods and behaviors you're experiencing could even be a manifestation of PTSD. After I experienced some sexual trauma a few years back, I became the crankiest and and most isolative b**** there was, and was not able to correct these problems until I stepped back to look at the bigger picture and figured out exactly what was happening. You don't need to apologize for length and there is no wrong way to do it. It's fantastic that you're reaching out to a community of people who understand. Have you confided about your problems to anyone close to you? It may also help to have a real-life, familiar, warm body to offer support to you through this dark time. Can you provide a little more detail on what your depression and anxiety looks like? I just ask because it will help me and others on the board to share what we do to cope with similar specific thoughts/behaviors/emotions. I totally get what it's like to feel uninspired due to depression/anxiety. I used to paint and write obsessively, and now it seems I'm just devoid of all creativity with a perpetual sense of dread and emptiness in its place. When I feel this very strongly, I like to make something or write something without worrying whether it is "good" (by my or anyone else's standards) simply because it is cathartic in nature and because science says creative outlets actually help you process overwhelming emotions and traumas. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or feel that your life is being ruled by this fear of having more breakdowns, I would also suggest talking to a mental health professional. She probably doesn't fully realize it, but my therapist has saved my life. I am still struggling with finding a good psychiatrist and medication regimen (though I have a nutrition and supplement regimen that helps a fair amount), but it's worth looking into. I would be wary, though, of those who want to prescribe large doses of heavy hitting meds right away (especially those in the benzodiazepine class, as these can be highly habit-forming and incredibly difficult to withdraw from). Trust your intuition and your body. You deserve a better life than this and I hope my advice helped you in even a small way 💜

[BonnieSue in reply to Inhisbelly]

Thank you for your reply. I've been helped by your thoughts and ideas. I don't know exactly what's eating me. But eating me it is. I admire your skill and your works. I'll be watching your progress through time and I hope you do well. I admire your work and feel honored that you're writing to me. Thank you so much!!

[Inhisbelly in reply to BonnieSue]

You're so welcome, Bonnie Sue! I hope you're having a great day

[midoalca in reply to Inhisbelly]

Hello there! Thank you so much for taking the time and share your advice. It's crazy how even a reply can help you feel better. I wasn't sure how exactly this thing worked last night but went for it because I needed advice from someone who has been through these same feelings that i'm going through.

I'm doing fine today. I talked to my boyfriend about it. I kept shutting him out and I finally let him know what I felt and he was there to console me. For now i'm okay but I think I will take a look into therapy because I know it'll eventually come back whether it's tonight or the day after tomorrow etc. I never thought that holding your feelings back could eat at you so strongly. Thank you again. Have a wonderful day.

[Inhisbelly in reply to midoalca]

It was my pleasure to share with you. All of the tools I am equipped with were given to me by others, so I believe it is essential that I pay it forward. Therapy sounds so much scarier than it is. It may also take some time to find the right person for you, but I urge you to be patient with the process. Talking with my current therapist is so organic--there is no pressure to rip off bandaids of the past; there is never a time where I feel that she is asking scripted questions so that she may fill in blanks on some asinine form; and there is no judgment whatsoever. Therapy is a safe space that allows you to get all that bad stuff out and reprogram your brain to have a better tomorrow. So glad you have a supportive boyfriend and are open to getting help. I look forward to hearing more about your journey.

[TAPNewEngland]

Midory, are you seeing a therapist? If not, you may consider seeing one. If you work, check to see if your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). It's free for employees and includes mental health counseling.