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[Oskie53]

My husband was diagnosed in Sept 2016 with a PSA of 157 and stage 4 prostate cancer. He was started on Firmagon and Xgeva. His PSA started to drop. In the summer of 2017 he had the Provenge treatment. By Christmas his PSA was 8. The PSA started to rise and he was treated with Xtandi. The bone Mets continued to March along so he did 6 treatments of Xofigo in 2018. His PSA continued to rise and a bone scan showed progression of the bone Mets in January 2019. A CT of the abdomen showed no organ involvement. Fast forward to summer 2019 a repeat CT showed 2 7 cm liver lesions and small spots in both lungs. Taxotere was started. He he also has had multiple blood transfusions since January. His hemoglobin has been as low as 6.4. The last two PSA’s have been 2057 and after a shot of lupron 1795. He is exhausted, losing weight and has intermittent nausea. He maintains that he doesn’t have any bone pain, just “muscle” pain. We go Friday for results of a CT of the abdomen done last week. Is this the end? Have we exhausted all treatments? He doesn’t talk about it, continues to work 3 days a week and how do I get him to open up and talk openly about the future. He has a medical practice he needs to start closing and commercial property that needs to be sold. I don’t want to face doing all of that on my own. Am I being selfish? I’m scared. He will be 74 in December and we’ve been together 44 years.

[Hidden]

WelcomeOskie53, I don’t think you have a selfish bone in your body . It is right to be prepared and get things in order .. I put everything in to my wifes name upon dx almost five years ago . My opinion is the sooner you fix finances and put your cards in order the greater the relief received for all . You’ve had 3 years of mischief and misery I’m sure . How about lu-177 ? There has to be something now that can help him . Maybe you two can wrap things up prior to the anniversary to eliminate that stressor ... half of our members are spouses .. The “ man” the strong provided must give up some control and let you take over.... hope he can do so soon . Many prayers for relief 🙏. Scottt

[Tall_Allen]

He can try Jevtana+carboplatin if his blood work is good enough. Has he had any genomic testing?

[Jimhoy]

When my father in law had his end in sight, he didn’t say anything to anyone about it!! He told the males of the family, (his son, 2 son in laws, my sons) to go through his shop and take what we wanted. Not getting the results he wanted, he sent everything to my house!! What I mess, I have every tool that he had only 60 years newer!! I knew what he was up to (throwing in the towel) so I played the roll!

Point being that maybe by him not getting rid of the property and practice, he might actually be talking to you!! I hope so!! Those might be his towel!!

Jc

[Oskie53]

I think you are right. He came home tonight and said he didn’t think he could continue the chemo if it wasn’t working and it makes him feel this bad. He could not tolerate dinner, had nausea and vomiting. I think Friday’s CT results will dictate our next move. Thank you to all of you for being so supportive.

[LearnAll]

Getting diagnosed with a life threatening condition leads to grieving process....first stage of grief is denial.. your husband not talking about cancer and continuing to work as usual seems like denial of reality. It is a defense against an overwhelming stress of diagnosis.

The correct way to help him is to be very supportive and gently prod him to make changes

in life which are needed at this point.

Sometimes it takes a little while to break the denial ...so some patience and kindness towards him is needed.

This diagnosis is very hard on him and you.. lot of fear, uncertainty and anxiety.

Wish God give you the serenity to deal with this difficult life situation.

[jfoesq]

You are not being selfish! Cancer effects the patient and his/her loved ones- in this case you. I would try and encourage him to begin making plans to ease the burden on his loved ones, if and when, he dies.

One of my greatest concerns is how my wife (who works 95 hours weekly and doesn’t have time to answer emails or even see a doctor herself, when necessary, will deal with our 3 boys (ages 12,15,16), soccer travels, college applications....bill paying, taxes and so many other things that I presently take care of. One of my main hopes is to live long enough to help my youngest go thru the college application process. I have had metPC for 7 years and I am hoping I can live at least another 5 to help my youngest with college applications and my older 2 with all the issues teenagers and young men face. I hope your husband finds a medication that can help him (LU 177?) but I also hope he starts planning for YOUR future.

[ctarleton]

Welcome Oskie53. Welcome.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. In my experience, when I was first diagnosed as very metastatic some 6 years ago, we started then by reviewing and putting into place some of the basic Estate Planning and other documents that we felt we needed sooner, rather than later. It was a relief for the both of us to get some of that stuff "settled" well ahead of need.

We got good use out of a "starter" organizer called "Get It Together", Organize Your Records So Your Family Won't Have To. It's available at nolo.com and elsewhere, and is not the only such type of "starter" organizer that's generally available.

We also appreciated the services of a family law attorney/mediator as we prepared a Living Trust for our various assets, updated Wills & Powers of Attorney, Advanced Directives for Health Care Decisions, etc. The process of doing these things also created good conversations that needed to be had with extended family members.

We saw the impact of the lack of such planning when a couple who were in a local Cancer Support Group with us went through their final couple of years of his advanced prostate cancer. He was by choice an extremely busy Pediatrician with a large practice, and, unfortunately, there was a lot left to "muddle through" in the years before and after his death a couple of years ago. His wife was unfortunately left pretty "high and dry" in so many ways during the final months of his illness, and in the several months after his death.

You might be able to find a way to open some preliminary discussion with other physicians you know to learn more about the "succession" process of passing on a medical practice due to illness, old age, or infirmity. The same could apply to dealing with real estate or legal professionals to aid in the sooner disposition of real estate or other business assets.

You might be able to get him to open up a little about shorter term and end of life issues by watching the documentary film "Passing On" together as a family, as a discussion starter.

passing-on.org/

In my experience, so far, it has been helpful and reassuring, overall, to start the process of transitioning from me-to-her or from us-to-her the myriad of greater and lesser things of our daily life together. Some things that either I or she used to do exclusively have had to be adjusted and transitioned to outside help, or to some other solution for when I would/will be gone and my spouse would be just that much older. Roles and responsibilities that have changed have had to be acknowledged, grieved over for a while, and rearranged. Etc.

Love and support can certainly be a two-way street, in any mature, loving relationship.

Just some thoughts...

Big Hugs for the both of you!

Charles

[j-o-h-n]

It sure is a tough road to haul......... (and understand)....God Bless you both...

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Wednesday 10/30/2019 5:08 PM DST