I probably know the answer to this dilemma already but could never discuss this with other people except people who would understand.....
Interlinked health, death and money are too personal/vulgar subjects to air properly even with my closest because they just say "do what makes you happy ".
I have been rocked to the core with the losses of our dear friends on this site and those on the Facebook forum and am frightened of missing out on experiences for the sake of being too sensible. However, my savings are now my inheritance from my hardworking parents and are supposed to give me financial security into old age (however unlikely that is now).
My personal circumstances are that I am retired (early because of ill health) with a small personal pension and a partner who is a general builder but who is working part-time in order for us to spend more time together.
I have had to come off Avastin due to side effects and the fact I keep getting pneumonia. My ca125 is slowly rising and my cancer nodules showed slight growth on the last CT. My Onc predicts that I will have to start 3rd line chemo within the next few months. So, as you see, my health is fragile but not disastrous.
My dilemma is, in view of the unpredictable dynamics of this horrid disease, do I spend my savings making memories with my family and friends or do I go prudent just in case I live longer than I expect?
I've already hammered my pension lump sum because I've outlived my predicted life expectancy (spa days and mini-breaks with my daughters etc. Bought a caravan and nice car but I'm now considering that it's time to stop!
What do you think? Feel free to be honest. ..
Love and strength to all. 💐💐💐 Xx
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Hi Sandra - I fully understand your thinking. I think treats are just so important to keep us going. I've come to notice, though, that I don't need to spend a lot to have a good time - so if you choose wisely what you spend it on rather than having a blow-out of your funds, then I think you'd reach a happy compromise. x
Yes, that's what I was thinking Christine. My greatest joys are being around my grandsons, watching my dog running free on a beach, driving (used to be walking) round corners in the Lake District and having my breath taken away with the beauty or having a giggle with my daughters or friends. However, I do wonder if my health suddenly deteriorated, if I wouldn't regret not having more holidays shared with loved ones.
You could plan on one big trip, then? I don't think it's the number of the trips, it's the quality of them. They are moving mountains to bring the Rotterdam Regime to Lancaster for me - had a personal email from Prof at Christie - how's that?! Seeing the local onc on Thursday about starting - terrified but know it's the only way as I am getting a bit symptomatic now.
I was told plan your life as if you are going to live forever and live your life as if you are going to die tomorrow. I don't think I actually did any of that, not properly.
I made a list of the things I really wanted to do, like going to Austria for the snow last winter, and going to Munich because that's part of my husband's childhood, but I never got to Jamaica it seemed such an extravagant thing to do and regret not doing it now. I wanted to stay in a hotel over looking the City of Madrid with a rooftop pool. Those things.
Good luck with the planning and the memory making. I hope we have made enough memories for hubby to smile about when he looks back
Yep LA, already I'm feeling regrets about not going back to Greece, going to India and the South of France before my health became more fragile. With this recurrent pneumonia I keep nosediving and ending up in A+E as my symptoms come on really suddenly. I think I'm wimping out on overseas travel now.
Am sure I'll find wonderful places to go in Britain. Just need to catch the weather....
His Dad worked in Germany for 32 years and was also in the British rifle team at the olympics in 1972. So he took me to show me all the places he knew from the school holidays including where his Dad lived. He was a car designer at BMW and Mercedes and worked on Concorde
It was fascinating. I speak no German so it was quite good fun to see Hubby flex his now rusty lingo
Wow! Really interesting. I was there 76 - 78 working at the British Consulate. It's a wonderful city and we could easily get to the Alps and the lakes. We still have friends there but I haven't been back since OC.
Hi Sam, go with the flow darling! Have what you want while you are here! Every time I feel really ill , as soon as I feel able to get in my car and head for the shops, I go fir it, retail therapy every time! Superficial as it may be! Whatever you buy that brings you pleasure and comfort has to be good so go for it xx
After one of my close friends passed ( first close one to do so) I bought the car of my dreams to be my weekend toy. For each chemo treatment I indulged in a significant treat for each one.
Whilst it is absolutely true you do not have to spend to be happy it has often worked for me. 😀
If there is something you want to do, or go, or have for any reason then do it.
I am driving down to Monoco in a couple of months for the historic Grand Prix. This ticks the box for me. Please do whatever ticks the box for you now.
Wow! Awesome car, I’m a bit of a petrolhead too, my car is an Audi TT Quattro V6 3.2, it pales into insignificance compared to yours, I’d love an R8 but I sacked work so can’t have one, well I could if I gave up food and lived in the car, happy motoring ❤️Xx Jane
Oh wow. Monaco Grand Prix sounds fabulous. I love cars and always wanted to look like Grace Kelly in an open topped sports car.... If I could just get on an even keel, that would be on my list!
Been off here far too long : without a computer , now repaired , I am trying to catch up .
Like everyone I have been devastated by so many lost to this dreadful disease , as well as too many close friends and relatives , an age thing perhaps .
I like Lilly Anne's advice and wish I had learnt that years ago .
Once I retired ( the illness ) , I have carried on doing whatever I could , when i could .
I am about to start my 6/7 round of chemo , the Immunotherapy trial didn't work , the daily cyclophosamide worked for a month or so ....money is such a tough issue for many of us .
Can you work out what you might need over say , a three year period ? Dont go mad , put some away , spend the rest on UK stuff if you cannot travel huge distances .
We stay close to London , rent a house near the coast , walk when we can , go to "Houses " etc , find freebies , do retail therapy to a point , see family and friends , split the bill so it's all spread about a bit . Short , weekend breaks in European cities ( you have cover on the E111) , and those little holidays help create the memories and distract you from the horrors of illness . Do what you can , when you can do it . There is no such thing as should / could /should have ...etc , you can only do what you can do , and NO REGRETS , such a waste .
Spoil yourself , your family , that wonderful husband , and enjoy every good moment .
Well Sandra I think you know me well enough now to know what I’m going to say to this one 😎
I’ve woeked so hard all my life from I was a young age to give myself and my family a better life and plan for the future. We always had great family times and very fortunately for us we travelled to great places but also so many basic camping and caravaning. Lots of amazing memories of when the kids were young.
I always hoped I and financially planned that I would retire at 50 and by then my kids would be grown up and I could enjoy the benedits of having had my family young. I wanted to travel, be able to see my grandchildren and help out while my children worked and be a real part of their lives ..... cancer strikes and that changed BUT I made the decision to pull my retirement plan forward and do all those things that I had planned for at 50.
Steve and I have a laugh about it at home saying if I’m still alive at 50 we will be skint 😀😀😀 I really hope I’m alive at 60 and don’t care if I’m skint because I will have had many many great and very precious memories made with my family and friends. All while I’m well enough to do and enjoy them.
There are so many people that sadly lose their lives in tragic circumstances that don’t ever consider these questions, this is where my silver lining theory comes into play - we have that opportunity to really LIVE. If we all lived like we were dying then there would be a lot more carefree and happy people in the world.
Don’t let time pass us by. Do what we want while we can. I haven’t started to dip into the kids inheritance yet but I’m not far off it lol
I have been clinging to my savings as want to have as much as possible to leave to my husband. However I have just had a spending spree-booked a cruise and bought a piano. I guess we all need a bit of spending to keep happy but not so much that it makes you worried and depressed-somewhere in the middle.
A cruise and a piano sound great soul food! I'd love to be able to play a musical instrument! I adore singing but absolutely no-one other than my grandsons enjoy listening so I think I'm a lost cause on the music front! Xx
Well this is going to sound bad considering how awesome my hubby is. But it worries me that Ive worked so hard with him for what we have that a new wife will come along 😢 and I hadn’t at least spent some of it. So I still would like the odd night away even if it’s a travelodge lol
If it was me I’d set an amount aside for my family when the time comes, then as far as the rest is concerned blow it and make as many memories as possible! They mean more than money. I’d rather have memories with my special person and family than all the money in the world and I know they feel the same xxx
Love this post! Having scrimped and scraped most of my life and mostly brought the kids up on my own I find myself in a similar position with a small early retirement pension but I have decided that I will have anything I want as the kids have already been provided for! That’s not to say I am going out buying diamonds or anything but no longer looking for the cheapest options all the time. I have been lucky enough to have a few amazing trips with my daughter and will hopefully manage a few more before I run out of steam as the memory making is priceless! Xx
I have now - in the middle of treatment for first recurrence - properly dipped into my inheritance, for the first time since being hooked up with this annoying disease. Hm... not even aged 50 yet, that's a bit of a risk in terms of longterm planning. Guess I felt that I desperately needed a treat to make it through chemo (what a pathetic excuse, but hey).
Petrolhead must be a soulsister of mine (Sarahsjourney too?) because I too indulged in a sportscar. Had my 718 Boxster delivered this week. Joy!
After the initial diagnosis, I went to the Silverstone Grand Prix (2016) and to Japan/Tokyo (2015). Gogo bucket list.
That all said: My advice would be to allow yourself a nice treat or two but still curb your indulgence to a certain degree and limit it to a smaller part of your assets, say 10% (arbitrary number). Else go for smaller 'value for money' experiences like sitting in the park on a sunny day, having picnic with your SO.
Love the twisties. Took the Vantage down to Oxford yesterday. Just getting the driving legs back so did not progress as enthusiastically as I might have done. Let the other half drive back as I had a couple of glasses of vino at lunchtime. 🍷😁
We will have to have a separate car thread instead of hijackinf Sandra’s thread- Sorry Sandra.
Maus - are you still near Munich? If so have you been to the BMW museum there. A while since I have been but excellent.
Ah that's a bit of a drawback. Mind you, caravaning around the beautiful countryside sounds like a perfect treat too. Hope you get to do lots of that and feel fab. Hugs.
HA ha Maus! Yup it’s me. My Monkeyhusband is an utter petrolhead, and I’m very privileged that my ‘everyday’ car is a Porsche 996 911 black turbo - I love it! Mind you if I’m honest it’s hard work atm as I’ve been feeling quite weak and it’s fully manual but driving it still gives me a thrill every single time. Of course our special car is the McLaren. THAT is just a thing of utter utter beauty oh & girls my hubby does say there is such a thing as ‘residual value’ in that if you buy well the exotic cars well they hold their price and go UP in value! Always his argument against him buying me diamonds ha ha!
Also in respect of Little Sans main post we are very lucky in that we don’t have to worry really so in terms of breaks away this is really beneficial but I do think it boils down to ‘BEING’ with loved ones and that can be done quite cheaply. Sometimes the spontaneous occasions that happen randomly turn out to be some of the very best memories huh. Those ad hoc visits that turn into all day affairs.
One last thing, that may not be applicable for those of you who are sadly younger, but the over 50 insurance companies offer some assistance in that if you can afford the premiums they pay out without any medical questions whatsoever. There are catches of course, some of them you have to live at least 12 or 24months it depends on the individual policy. If you do die within that period you get all the premiums back. If it’s after this time the only proviso is that you have to keep up the payments otherwise you lose everything. We have taken out multiple policies, our thinking being we have mirror wills and so if I die my husband will inherit everything, and not my two children (we didn’t want to find ourselves in the position of selling the house to pay out other beneficiaries) so this way the kids will get some money if the worse should happen, albeit I’m gonna live till I’m 85!! We have about 10 or more lol I’m fine with it provided he deals with it all which he does but then he’s a ‘money’ man and very astute like that.
Thanks for this thread as it’s open, honest and very interesting xxx
Can your partner take say about a month to six weeks off work? You could have fun planning a long trip around the UK with your caravan and while waiting for the weather to warm up, the pneumonia may have stopped. A really long holiday like this could probably be more interesting than a two-week exotic holiday destination and you have the safety net of being in the UK.
Many enjoyable things do not cost a lot of money but be prepared to spend more than you would have done before your diagnosis.
Ummm that's definitely food for thought and sounds lovely. Not sure he could take that long off as jobs perpetuate more jobs and he'll have to go back to full time when I'm not around. I think the concensus is definitely that experiences with loved ones are the most important things in life.
Having been around my mother as she aged, I realised that calculating whether you'll run out of life before you run out of money, or the other way around, isn't just an issue for those of us with OC, its a dilemma for older people generally. Even when we're waiting for the hammer to fall imminently, we still don't really know when its going to fall, do we... I'd say, if there's something you really want to do, and you're well enough to do it, spend the money and let the future take care of itself. Unless, that is, the thought that you have not a penny stashed away anywhere is going to give you nightmares, because for some people like my mother, the idea of that situation absolutely did. It's a case of each to his own - there are no shoulds and oughts in this situation, its only what YOU want - and that might just be wandering round your garden daily, seeing the family, and that's just fine too.
This topic seems to resonate with many...I have three considerations..I want to ensure as far as possible that both my daughters have a roof over their heads, I want to do some lovely things while I still can and I’m weighing up whether I try to self fund Avastin for a few rounds after my second line to try to get a longer break. Not sure I can do all these things with my payout from life insurance but need to make it go as far as possible!XX
Hi LilyAnne, I too have the same issue, retired, unofficially, due to health care and have to rely on disability insurance, which is very sufficient to live but not for large extravagances. I was planning my dream trip to Paris,initially for May, but the oncologist told me not to postpone anything and to go when the opportunity arises(I’m leaving this afternoon) because you never know when treatments will change or progression will start, not that it’s expected, but could happen at any moment. So I’m going, but am compromising, for example only going for 8 days instead of 14, choosing a hotel a little further out instead of in the middle of things, etc.
I think the point is go and do things when the opportunity arises, don’t worry about the future, it will sort itself out.
I’ve put things into place for my husband in case I die sooner than later. I talk to my sister about financial planning because she is an accountant. Perhaps you should speak to a financial consultant about what will be required for 5, 10, 15 years in the future and then have fun with the rest. As we all know life’s too short!
I think spending time with family is really important, but spend a little, save a little.we go on holidays abroad, but we have also bought a river boat so we can go as and when we want in this country.
It is so cathartic going up and down the river and I love this time of year as the summer is all ahead of us.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with, no one wants to worry about money, but no one wants miss out either,
Spend it, enjoy it and make some lovely memories for you all, it’s only money and, as we all know, you can’t take it with you so have some fun ❤️Xx Jane
I am comfortable but it irks me a little, that most of it will be left to my husband’s children. I have travelled, I have everything I want and yet I yearn for something more to fulfill these last years or months of my life. What is it that people do in their bucket list that they need to do. I have jumped out of planes. Eaten at wonderful restaurants. Sailed on beautiful waters, climbed mountains etc. I have a great little Mercedes. I don’t need anymore diamonds. My closet is overflowing to the point that I am giving things away. All this material stuff is just not doing for me. I need to find my heart and my spiritual essence. I have a buddist nun that visits me. Perhaps she can bring light into this for me. Maybe this is the answer for you as well. It doesn’t take a lot of money to find your spiritual self. Thanks for making me ponder this. 😊
I did exactly the same had a pay out on private pension on health grounds blew it on breaks with the children grandchildren etc
Don't regret it as made lovely memories but now with not working on health grounds and being four years since I was diagnosed have had to really tighten the purse strings we can still get by but holidays etc are not on the agenda
But I could have left it in the bank for a rainy day and this disease could have taken me sooner
That is the uncertainty with it the not knowing
But thinking about it I don't think I would have done it differently even if I had known I would survive this long especially when so many of our teal sisters have been taken so unexpectedly lately x
This is just how I feel (although I have been frivolous as well as doing family treats) and I think I'm feeling a little guilty about spending even though if I was on the outside I'd be encouraging me! I need to set a course and have the confidence to stick to it!
Hi...When my wife was diagnosed, and then when I/we realised that whatever the timeframe for her it was going to be a life limiting illness, we just went to as many places as we could for as long as we could. Some examples: Singapore. Malaysia. Indonesia. Dubai. Rome. Amsterdam. Paris....etc etc....every opportunity really 'off we went'.
Now 55 months after she died, I may not have a lot of money, but boy do I have some memories of places we went to. My wife would have happily not gone anywhere so that I would have had more money after she passed....but my philosophy was (and would be again) who knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us, so for me I was so very glad we travelled.
Travel does seem to be one of the things that a lot of people want. You both visited some great places. It is said that you regret the stuff that you didn’t do rather than the stuff that you did.
Thank you for this post -I have been paranoid about leaving as much as possible for my husband but he is keen to go on holiday and not so wound up about security as I am- although I do think he worries about having a roof over his head in the future.
It is a conundrum, and my wife was like yourself, saying well if this and if that.....what would you do? But I was adamant that come what may I would be fine. I ended up giving up work for the last 6 months of her life, just so I could spend virtually 24/7 with her. In the 30 months before that my working hours gradually went from 100% down to 40/50% due to the many hospital etc visits we had, plus the holidays we took when she was ok to go. There isn't a right or wrong answer to this, it is such an individual choice.
Hi Sandra great advice from everyone, here's my pennies worth. Do whatever you feel like if you feel up to it. I have gone the other way don't want to do anything. In the past I have made plans and then let people down, last May was booked to go to Tenerife for 3 weeks with friends but wasn't well enough.Hubby wants to take the caravan to France for a couple of weeks in June so to please him I said ok, fingers crossed.So you enjoy time with your friends and family, just keep something for a rainy day. Lots of love Bridie
Ah, lovely Bridie, if it's well planned I'm sure you'll have a lovely time in France. You need to get your lovely sparkle back - go on do it! Much love to you. Am going to be back on chemo soon by the looks of it. Xx
Ah thank you Everyone. What fabulous, lively responses. We've had a lovely weekend in the Lakes with wonderful weather. I'm going to see a financial advisor and book a holiday as soon as I shake off these bugs! X
There is of course the woman I met in Tenerife who was told she could have surgery but no chemo as it wouldn’t add to her time. They sold up, cashed in their savings and went on an around the world trip. Returning to rented accommodation and ready for what would be. In 1978! She is still here. In her 70’s. They don’t regret it but said they had to start again lol
I kind of fall somewhere in the middle. I’m only 40 so have my kids’ financial security to consider in the future, even if I am no longer part of it (even more so for that reason, maybe?), but we had a payout on our critical illness policy that left us with an ample lump sum after paying off the mortgage. We’re using it for some treats like the recent sea fort trip and our forthcoming trip to Orlando, but have also put some aside so that if hubby had to give up work to care for me, we’d be OK. I’d love to have a massive splurge on something incredible, but I’m too cautious - don’t want the kids to be destitute in the event of my demise!
I definitely like ‘experiential’ activities these days - less of the big holidays, but fun and light hearted. The fort has been on my list for a while and it was incredible to tick it off. I’m looking at doing one of those ‘colour runs’ where people through coloured paints (powdered form of something colourful anyway!) at you and there’s music, obstacles, foam...all kinds of good stuff. Did Pretty Muddy last year and loved it!
Whatever you decide, enjoy it! If you splurge, splurge on something great, if you save, savour all the experiences you have with your loved ones.
That sounds fab Vicki. You seem to have the balance right. My critical health policy ran out the same month as I started having investigations for OC (I had timed it for when my youngest daughter finished Uni). Hey ho! I am so lucky that my children are adults. I still feel that if they have to face life without me I'd like to leave them a good sum of money to compensate a little.
I think after everybody's responses I shall take a little more joy in splurging or saving!
If you do the colour run, post some pictures. I was looking at it on TV and wondered how you stop it going into your mouth, up your nose and any other crevice!!
Spend it ! I went to Orlando with kids and granddaughter, many memories for them and a great tonic for me! Spend it spoil yourself and others! Live today don’t worry about tomorrow 😘😘😘
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