Hello. I'm guessing you get a lot of posts like this, but I'm literally typing this through a stream of tears. My therapist recommend I come to this site after talking with her.
I'm really sorry to anyone who reads this because I feel like all I bring is misery to people. This may be a little long, so please bear with me.
I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. My childhood was very hard because of it. Mostly since it wasn't understood very well and I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 30. I spent so many nights feeling so alone and tried to hide it from my friends and family.
I finally couldn't stand it anymore and got help about 10 years ago. It took a long time, but eventually I felt better. It was great. I felt like I could live a life that was worth living. Unfortunately, all that came crashing down a few months ago. My medicine wasn't working well, so we tried switching. The results were less than desirable. I understand now why these drugs have black box labels. I have never felt that depressed or panicked in my life. It was like being in one of the deepest pits of hell.
What we find out is that I had become dependant on lexapro and ativan. That was 4 months ago. We've been trying to get my meds sorted out, and I do feel better, but my OCD came back, my depression came back and I feel so alone in this.
I don't know what I'm even asking in this post. I feel like a burden to my family, a failure as a husband and father. I feel like the earth opened up and swallowed me whole and no one can help. I feel no joy, just OCD thoughts jumping from one ridiculous scenario to the next.
I don't know how to move from here.
Written by
IStillHaveHope
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Sounds like your in a really tough place. And I'm really sorry your going through this. But know that you are not alone. You have a disorder. This isn't your fault and you deserve to get better. Ocd, depression, it all sucks like crazy. But there is hope even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Sometimes it amazes me how strong ppl with OCD are. We live for weeks months and some even years with OCD but some how we keep hoping it will get better. It takes strength to get up everyday and face the OCD thots and the depression. We are not weak, or failures. We are strong ppl, we may be broken, but we are strong.
I came across a quote that says, " Anxiety isn't weakness. Living with anxiety, turning up and doing stuff with anxiety, takes a strength most will never know."
Keep going, I know things will get better if you keep seeking help and working towards healing. I'm praying that you will find healing and peace.
Thank you for your very kind reply. It's been so hard and I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. I'm praying too that I can find peace.
Know that you are not alone. I have had OCD more than 35 years, and the last 15 months or so have been particularly hard on my family. I suddenly developed an obsession that has a lot of external compulsions instead of mostly ruminations in my head. Mental ruminations were always easier to keep to myself and I don't think my family knew how disruptive the disorder can be.
I've increased my medication and started therapy last year. I'm also attending a local support group, which of course is online now (live on Zoom once a month). There are a lot of virtual support groups and you might benefit from talking to other people facing them same challenges. (Here's a list of some: iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/....
All these things are helping, but I have to remember it's not an overnight process. It is so frustrating at times, but OCD is my challenge in life, and I am making progress. ERP therapy has helped a great deal.
Try to remember that you have felt better in the past and you will feel better again. Communicate with your family often and make sure that you are all battling the disorder and not each other. I hope you start feeling better soon!
Thank you so much! I've been thinking of trying a support group but didn't know where to look. And thank you for your kind words to. I hope you are finding some peace in all of this
I highly recommend a support group if you are feeling isolated. I am an introvert and don't go around opening up to just anyone, but the OCD group is different. When I sat down at the first meeting, I realized that for the first time in my life I was with people who would know exactly what I was talking about if I shared my weird disturbing thoughts. It was a big deal for me.
I’m so glad you reached out; I hope not helps to know that you’re NOT alone. And that’s empowering—I’m 61 and have had OCD as far back as I can remember. My son struggles with it too. Yet there is hope—you didn’t ask for OCD and you’re showing strength and determination by coming to this site. And by working with your therapist and trying to find medications that will help. I’m so, so sorry that you’re in a low spot—but remember that it WILL get better. You’ve done hard work before and you’re continuing to do so. Keep coming back!
My son found a remarkable therapist via this site and is making huge strides. I admire and respect my son for putting his recovery first. I respect and admire you for taking care of yourself too.
So sorry to hear you are in a difficult stage. I've had OCD since I was 6.... now I'm 68 so it's been a ride. I understand about medicine stop working. I took Prozac for years and years, but a few years ago, it just stopped working. I was a mess. OCD took over and depression came along with it. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't put any flowers outside in the summer (unusual for me), didn't want to go shopping (again, unusual for me), etc. I developed religious OCD which the most upsetting of all the OCD types that I have. I was in a terrible funk after being pretty good for years.
My doctor put me on Trintellex which was the miracle drug for me. It took time to work, as well as to crawl out of the depression, but I can say that today I'm very well, learning tools to use with my OCD, am very very happy and fulfilled. I have learned that my intrusive thoughts will probably never disappear completely, but am learning how to deal with it.
If one drug doesn't work, keep trying until you find the right one! Is your therapist trained in how to help with OCD? This is so important.
One thing that really helped me more than I can say is to participate in the International OCD Foundation town halls and other webinars they offer online (iocdf.org). If you are on facebook, go to their page and "like" it. These are also available for all on youtube. If you participate live you can actually ask questions while it is going on and I've had many many questions answered by the professionals they have leading the session. There are also so many supportive people also watching that really help you to realize you are not alone. Anyone is able to comment as the webinar is happening. This was a tremendous help for me. I learned so many tips that I use all the time.
Blessings to you as you move forward. Keep going.... you will find the right thing.
I just wanted to say I really feel the same. I come to this group and post or read others struggles usually when I am not doing well and it helps alot. I totally feel you not on being a husband but being a burden of a wife. I keep reminding myself what my husband tells me all the time. If the tables were turned, I would do the same for him. I feel most of us are so humble and embarrassed by our illness and just the fact you feel your a burden shows you are not. We do the best we can and making the best of the good days are what I strive for.
I am crying as I type this reply. I just joined this group after hitting another wall in finding treatment for my son, who sounds about your age. His story sounds similar, in duration and agony. To the outside world, he has achieved observable and measurable success. Inside, he is in constant agony. After years of fighting, he has also crashed. I understand what you are saying about feeling like a burden, as he voices the same thing to me. I wish the world understood the agony of this disorder. That it's not just about washing hands and keeping things straight. It is about feeling like a constant failure and a disappointment. About seeing people around you be happy, and feeling that any moment of joy you have will be short lived and colored with worry and doubt. You are so not alone, but I know even that knowledge doesn't make it much better. Maybe knowing there is another person out here who does get it will help you feel a little less alone❤️
Thank you for your post! I am 62 and have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety since I was 33.. I live in a very remote area in a town of about 250 people. No support groups in town. I am feeling so alone with this and wanted to find something online that may help. I have tried several different medications like Zoloft, lexapro, trintellix, and Paxil. Along with anti-anxiety meds like Xanax, lorazepam, etc. plus I take a sleep medication. Every year, I go off medications because I think I should be stronger than my anxiety, but I always come back on them. And I currently went off them right before Christmas and making my way back. Paxil seems to work the best and for me it can take 8 weeks or more before I feel better. I have not been diagnosed with OCD before. However, reading posts from people on this site makes me feel like there are similarities to what I experience. And that makes me feel less alone.
I have a very difficult time keeping a job because I can feel like no one in the job relates to me and I don’t like to be in a situation where I feel unwanted. I had an experience where the manager actually told me that NO ONE likes to work with me. I felt that was harsh and did not stay. And then when I leave a job, I beat myself up for not staying and I feel like a failure.
I realize that my post may not be directly addressing what you posted, but perhaps knowing some of my thoughts may help you to feel you are not alone.
I do a lot of praying and God comforts me and keeps me strong and guides me.
I pray that you will continue to find the strength and courage to find what works for you. The search can be painful and I believe in you!!
It is interesting to me how things can be pretty good for a time, then it just isn’t. Stay strong!!
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