Did I do something wrong?

I know you're not supposed to look for reassurance but, I need someone else's perspective on this, and I don't feel comfortable telling my family about it.

So I was hugging my grandma, and I was afraid of my nipples touching her while we were hugging. And then I think I was like, stop letting your OCD not have a good hug with your grandma, so I think I moved my chest towards her, because I was holding my chest far back from her when I was hugging because I was scared of my nipples touching her (I know this is really gross sorry)... if I was, it wasn't sexual, it was because I didn't want my OCD to affect my hug with my grandma if that makes sense. Then I started googling stuff about breastfeeding and arousal? I'm not sure how that really had much correlation to the "situation" I was dealing with, and I feel guilty for searching that up as a way to maybe validate what I was afraid that I did. Maybe because I was thinking that some mother's get arousal when they breastfeed, but they breastfeed anyways, not because they want to feel arousal, just because they need to feed their baby. I could have been relating that to my situation because I know I wouldn't have tried to do that for arousal, and maybe I tried to as a compulsion (again, I don't really think I did try to have my nipples touch her, but I was scared that I did). I love my grandma so much, and I would never want to ruin my relationship with her. My grandma only has me, my sister and my mom, so she relies heavily on us all.

[Hidden]

this whole thing makes me feel really weird and gross, every time I think of it, I think to myself "do I deserve to just live my life like everyone else?" And every time I feel happy, I think of this, and I feel like I don't deserve my happiness. I just wish I didn't google those things because it made it much worse. I might be over it now if it wasn't for what I googled.

[ChristianWolff]

Sam, do not feel alone in this. I have had an aversion to hugging for the same reason. I haven't looked into it further and just avoided hugging if at all possible. When someone surprises me with an unexpected hug I make sure to keep any body contact to a minimum. Don't worry about it.

[Hidden in reply to ChristianWolff]

Thank you, that makes me feel less alone

[cambridgeborn]

Please know that you are not alone with these thoughts and fears... I, too, had avoided hugging my Mom and my sisters for those very same reasons that you have described. I continue with a similar aversion to hugging my own adult child.

I know, without a doubt, that I have absolutely no sexual interest in my family members!

But OCD hijacks my brain with absurd notions and dread. Like you, I hate this disease... it prevents me from being the spontaneous, warm, loving person I truly am.

But I forge ahead, knowing that Exposure/ Response Prevention is the only antidote to this affliction. I continue hugging my friends and family members despite the acute anxiety. My relationships with my loved ones are much more important than my irrational fears.

The compulsion to google for reassurance is just that -- a compulsion, one that needs to be avoided. All the googling and reassurance in the world will not relieve the obsession; they feed the obsession.

Childhood trauma may have been a factor in my OCD condition because I experienced some extreme behaviours with an unstable parent. However, it is now my responsibility to deal with and cope with the symptoms of this illness. Knowledge is power. The more I learn about OCD from books and therapy, the more confident I feel that I can lead a wonderful life full of love and happiness. You can too!

[Hidden in reply to cambridgeborn]

Thank you! That made me feel much better

[LuvSun]

Don’t stop hugging your Grandma because of these OCD thoughts! You have NOTHING to feel ashamed of regarding these thoughts- it’s just the OCD monster making you think this.

[Hidden in reply to LuvSun]

I won't! thank you

[OpieD]

A great many people who have lived with OCD know exactly what you're going through. You are on the right track realizing that this is just one more way that this insipid little creature can bug you. The day will come when you will ignore that thought, and eventually win the battle. I look at the few remaining occasional thoughts with amusement. If I can help you in any way, just ask. It began at age 12 for me, and I let it consume my life for years, with no idea what it was. I beat it on my own, and only discovered what had ruled my life when I stumbled on an article about OCD. I decided to join a few groups in the hope that I may help someone in speeding up the healing.

Smile and hug your Grandma. You'll be okay.

[Hidden in reply to OpieD]

thank you so much.