I’ve suffered with OCD and anxiety since I was around 8 years old, I’m coming up to turning 23 and since starting therapy and speaking very openly about how I feel & how I have felt for so many years, I finally feel as though I’m getting better & I can see light at the end of the tunnel!
As I’ve started to feel better, I’ve noticed that I have absolutely no idea who I am, I feel like for the past 15 years of my life since being so young, everything I’ve done or decisions I’ve made, has been influenced by how I’m feeling because of my OCD and anxiety, for as long as I can remember I’ve had the mindset of ‘well if I change this or I do this, or I become this or that’ I’ll be happier and I’ll feel good enough but truthfully, nothing I’ve done, has made me happier or feel good enough, I do believe that the way I’ve felt inside, is why I’ve not felt true happiness for so long.
I’m really ready to feel myself again and to feel happy again but now I feel as though I can one day be free of OCD and anxiety, I now have no clue who I really am! Has anyone else felt like this during recovery, as though because OCD and anxiety has controlled them for so long, without it, they don’t really know who they are, and how did you manage this?
Thank you!!
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Puppydog2222
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How about starting by reminding yourself what you have done in getting to grips with OCD. That is, someone who is strong, resilient and determined? That is a pretty good start!
I do get where you're coming from, though I haven't really experienced it myself, and have a pretty strong sense of who I am.
Our sense of who we are is made up of various things. They include things that are decided for us, like who our parents and family are; our sex, ethnicity, colour and other physical characteristics; how and what we feel and think; how other people react and interact and respond to us; our interests, passions, values and beliefs etc. Perhaps if you start to write these things down, you will realize that there is a great deal to help you understand who and what you are.
Also remember that you are still young. The brain continues to undergo the rapid development that starts with puberty right up to the mid-20s. That isn't a cut-off point for brain development, and you will still continue to expand your knowledge and understanding.
Have a good think about what your values are. These, along with your opinions, don't need to be set in stone - experience means that you will be constantly re-evaluating them. But clarifying them as they stand now, and perhaps writing them down, should help.
I do know how it feels to have OCD constantly on one's shoulder, trying to direct one's thoughts and feelings. But it's those very thoughts, wishes and desires that give you the incentive to fight back against the OCD.
Happiness doesn't come about if you pursue it. It comes about by forming and maintaining friendships, relationships, satisfying jobs, outside interests, having fun. It's not necessarily something you're conscious of - it's hard to grasp.
Try to go along with what interests or inspires you. There's lots that you can do - go to college or university or train for a job (make sure it's something you want to do), play a sport or music or take up a hobby, connect with friends. Doing something creative is rewarding in itself.
And always remember that you don't have to be stuck with an identity. There are things about ourselves we can't alter, and it's best to make the most what we actually are, rather than aspire to be something we can't be. But each of us is a work-in-progress, as it were - and making the most of ourselves is part of that. Don't feel inadequate, or not good enough. Think about what you've managed to do, in spite of the OCD.
The real you is still there, underneath all the OCD trauma. It isn't static, or unalterable. It can be discovered and nurtured.
I am definitely going to write things down and give that a go, and I really agree with that happiness doesn’t come if we persue it, which is something I’ve learnt for myself too, I really appreciate your response ❤️
oh my gosh I remember this part so vividly!!! I felt like I was having an identity crisis!!! A lot of me did change but it’s ok. Not all bad. Was Interesting re learning what I liked and didn’t like and re discovering myself post treatment when I started to go back out into the world again. You’re not alone in this! My only personal andvice is to not try and “go back” to you who you were. Parts of you will remain annd come back slowly because they are true to you at your core but some things may be new for you. It’s inevitable. A journey like ocd recovery will change a person. Tons of growth and realizations and lessons. Enjoy the re discovery!! And be so proud of yourself 🩵
As from my own experience and what I've learned from individuals similar to me, OCD is deeply rooted in neurotic character structure. It's why neurotic individuals usually listen to outside opinions, judgements by people around us more than we listen to our true being, the inner core with all those valuable intuitions. Huge part of the healing journey for me is to learn to love myself. Accept everything, especially my own self, with all those positive and negative emotions and all in between, my bad and good traits, hardships, hopes and dreams.
When I gradually learned how to love myself, then everything else started to fall into place. That's where self compassion therapies and meditations are really helpful. And then you see that love is truly the real cure for fear. Love yourself first, only then you are able to operate from the place of abundant love which you can share with others.. if you want that, it's not an obligation. (Sometimes the most loving response might be slapping some jerk in the face, just saying).
Good luck on your journey. It's great that you were brave enough to reach out for help in your early 20s. I wish I had more clarity and guts to do it earlier, it would have saved me lots of time. I finally said enough of this crap.. actually, screamed to myself and the Universe at my lowest point in my early 30s.. but for each his own journey.
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