ROCD/ cheating

[Georgiayates24]

Can someone give me advice who's been through similar. So 2 years ago me and my partner had an argument, I stupidly messaged another guy. Me and my partner moved past it and worked on it. However, now I'm convinced me and this guy slept together. I can't remember his name. What he looked like, what happened etc. But now I'm breaking my heart convinced I have to confess and split up with my partner. Any advice or similar stories?

[deValentin]

If you have a tender conscience, it's very easy to be convinced of having done something you didn't do. Some people even go to the extreme of going to the police to confess crimes they read in newspapers just in case they may have committed them.

The other day I read a story in the news that some teenagers were caught trying to smuggle some prized African ants out of Kenya to sell them on the European black market and they were going to trial. My first reaction was to feel relief that I couldn't be accused of that because I've never been to Kenya. I felt the need to find a reason to exonerate myself. Because I know to some extent how OCD operates, I didn't dwell on it and the thought was very fleeting . However, if I had tried to find an absolute proof I didn't smuggle any ants out of any African country, I'd have been caught in the OCD trap, no matter how "foolish" the thought may appear in the eyes of an independent observer.

Likewise, if, based on evidence and common sense, there is no reason to believe you were unfaithful to your partner, leave it at that. Don't try to dig into your memory in the hope of finding an absolute proof. You'll never find it. It would only serve to drive deeper in your mind the thought you may be guilty.

It's not going to be easy at first, but, instead, try to prove to yourself that you can refuse excessive responsibilities (it's not your fault if you can't be absolute sure you did nothing wrong in the past) and assume normal responsibilities (it's okay to have from time to time baseless self-accusatory thoughts as long as you don't dwell or act on them, and do your best not to let them prevent you from living the life you really want to live).

I read somewhere those words of wisdom: “You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair.” In other words, we can’t stop whatever random, evil, or strange thoughts that come knocking on the door of our imaginations, but we don’t have to invite them in for lunch.

[Georgiayates24 in reply to deValentin]

It's making me so so depressed. I can't cope. I'm convinced that we slept together all because we did message. Yes it was in appropriate but I moved past that. The fact it could have gotten physical makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so so sad and broken

[FatherOfC]

The tricky problem is to somehow know when to take a thought, a suspicion, seriously and when to not do so. It would be foolish to not take any of our fears, thoughts, and suspicions seriously. We might in that case, disregard a car coming towards us or the report of a snow storm in your area.

OCD, anxieties and the like, take advantage of our amazing ability to imagine, to consider counterfactuals. We rely upon our imaginations even to take into account the effects and consequences of an approaching snow storm, and to use that imagination to mitigate our travel plans.

We think it however, unreasonable, to hear about a snow storm in the Rockies and then change our travel plans in Georgia. This is because we think we understand about the limitations and possibilities of snow storms. Storms in the Rockies don't affect the weather in Georgia. We come by this understanding through our experience and that of others. This collective experience is communicated through common wisdom, a wisdom we learn from a very early age.

This suggests the importance of trusting others, of trusting our communities. Our community, our neighbors and friends, don't ever say that if you think about someone other than your partner that means you have slept with them. No one says that if someone smuggles African ants into Europe that means that you did. Both of these things are possible. It is possible that you could or might sleep with this other person. It is possible that if someone smuggled ants that you might also.

Possibility is the mighty fuel that fires our suspicions and doubts. It is possibility, even the size of a grain of salt, that the demand for certainty thrives upon. Certainty demands, if it is to be certain, impossibility. No one suspects that they might have taken wings last night and flew to the moon and back. We regard this as impossible. As such, we are certain, even if we had a powerful dream, that we certainly did not do that. And this impossibility is the Only thing that will put our suspicions, doubts, and fears to rest. It is possible that this morsel of food I'm about to eat is contaminated, so I take a risk by eating it.

To me it seems that at least one way out of this trap of the possible becoming probable is our communities and common practice and understanding. We are all of us part of a larger community, the very community in which we dwell has raised and cared for us. When we are beset by these fears and suspicions, even if we can't silence them, we can appeal to the common wisdom of the world and community in which we dwell and live. Trust their common knowledge and understanding in the storm of our doubts and fears. Look to it for solace and guidance. Are they pulling out their snow chains in preparation for a snow storm; are they confessing to the police their theft of ants; are they ending their marriages because of something they saw on TV?

No, they are not, and neither should you.

[Georgiayates24 in reply to FatherOfC]

The thing is I can't even talk myself out of it anymore. It really might have happened and I can't cope with that. I did cheat by messaging the guy I know that it was inappropriate but now the fact I might have taken it even further is breaking my heart

[FatherOfC in reply to Georgiayates24]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It feels like you are caught up in a whirlwind, spinning you round and round. Somehow you've got to get some rest.

Consider, right now, are you in danger, are you about to betray your partner? I suspect the answer is a resounding NO. This misstep that you did TWO years ago. Is far away. It's on the moon. Both you and your partner have dealt with it, you say. It's so far away that it can't get at you. Let it be. Concentrate on NOW, not TWO years ago. Where are you NOW. You can't touch TWO years ago, but you can touch NOW.

See if this refocusing and attending will provide you some rest and assurance.

[Natureloverpeace]

Intrusive thoughts are ego-dystonic, they go against our values. People without OCD get them too. They may get startled momentarily but then let it go because they realize they aren’t going to act on it, it’s just a thought, nothing more. The same applies to intrusive thoughts about the past. Thought-action fusion is when we assume a thought is equal to an action. If we ruminate on them and give them meaning, we will feel distress since they go against our values. OCD attacks what we value. It’s harder to accept uncertainty about people or situations that we value. This is a common thread in OCD.

There’s a well-known OCD specialist who takes his clients to the top of escalators and train platforms who are absolutely convinced that they will push someone down the escalator or off the train platform. He trusts them not to act on their thoughts since the thoughts go against their values. No one has pushed him down an escalator or off a train platform. He knows he can trust the client not to act against their values and that thoughts don’t equal actions.

Doing compulsions such as confessing or ruminating may provide temporary relief but they feed the OCD and make it stronger. Compulsions essentially tell the brain, you got some relief so your thought has meaning and it’s alerting you to danger. OCD lies. I wouldn’t suggest breaking up over an OCD lie.

[Georgiayates24 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

The thing is I don't know if it is a lie. Maybe it's the truth. Maybe I really did do it. I am sick to my stomach

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Georgiayates24]

The more we search for certainty, the more doubtful we become.