Fear that I am a Narcissist

[3BirdLover]

I've been hearing Dr. Phil talk on TV lately about narcissists. It has caused me to wonder if I am one. At times I really feel I care very much about people and never want to hurt anyone in any way (emotionally). Then on the other hand, I feel I'm the most selfish and most unempathetic person there is. Never having children, it's hard for me to put myself into the place of a parent and understand why they do (or don't do) certain things. I feel like I'm so judgmental and critical. It concerns me as to why I am like this. I don't like it at all. But on the other hand, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and my values are my extended family and my faith. I'm widowed and alone and really long to have friends. On the other hand, I value my alone time and am much an introvert. Can anyone relate? I have been in therapy for my OCD and just recently we decided to take a break since my OCD is doing well. This narcissist thing has come up since then. It's quite a 'head-scratcher'.

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate]

Hey there 3BirdLover,

When I've had moments like this where I feel truly confused and torn it has been really helpful to reach out to my therapist and discuss what I'm going through with him.

It has also been helpful to revisit my values and see if OCD may have latched onto them. I've found OCD loves to hook itself onto everything I care about the most.

Do you have any guidance from your therapist on what to do in moments like this where you're feeling doubtful?

[3BirdLover in reply to alexandraisobsessed]

Yes, I have a "toolbox" with tools. I am hoping that the "if you think it might be OCD, it probably is" tool what is going on. Thank you for reminding me to look at my tools.

[PaperTigers]

I have this same fear. I seriously do understand and hope you can see yourself from another perspective, like that of a friend or family member- someone who truly knows you and how much you care about and love them, I think it would help.

[MothFir]

Of course I don't really know you, but I've never gotten the impression from your posts here that you are self-absorbed, attention-seeking, or lack empathy. Your descriptions of yourself sound typical of many humans (including me, though it's possible I'm a narcissist too...). If it's bothering you, you should probably talk to your therapist and/or a family member who knows you well and will give you an honest answer.

However I do suspect that your OCD is just latching onto something new. It seems like it's quieted down in other areas, and it's throwing out this "You know what, maybe you're a narcissist!" to see if it sticks.

[3BirdLover in reply to MothFir]

Good observation. You're probably right. Maybe the fact that I just broke from therapy for a bit got my OCD woke up again to bug me. Thanks for your prospective on this. I always value your input!

[Sallyskins]

I don't think for a minute that you sound like a narcissist. Narcissists don't generally like being on their own and are often extroverts. They prefer to be amidst people who they feel validate, applaud and congratulate them just for being them. They crave attention.

Being critical of others doesn't make you a narcissist. On the whole, narcissists don't think of other people enough to be critical of them, except when they don't feel they're getting the attention and celebration from others they think they deserve.

It's normal to want to have friends, and to wish you could socialize a bit more. Having OCD can be very lonely as it impacts on friendships and relationships. It's also normal to value being by yourself.

I live alone, and though I haven't always liked being on my own, I've grown to appreciate being able to do things the way I like to, and not being accountable to others for my day-to-day life. If I had had a lot of people around me, I would most likely have adapted to living with them.

I think if you read up about a condition, you soon start thinking 'Is that me?' It's a bit like that bit at the beginning of 'Three Men in a Boat' (one of my favourite books) - the narrator explains that he has been reading a medical encyclopaedia and has found he has all the diseases in it apart from housemaid's knee!

Most of us have our curmudgeonly and unsympathetic moments. And it's impossible not to be self-centred, as you are the centre of your own life. It could be just that OCD has decided to put this on you!

[3BirdLover in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. I do appreciate it.!

[Thedragonfly77]

Sounds like you’re a human being. My mom is a malignant narcissist who is draining to be around. We all have some narcissistic tendencies, because we have egos. I have adhd too and many of the symptoms are the same. The difference is that I do care a lot about people, but I still do thoughtless things like say the wrong thing. My mom would get on my case about that as a child. I still feel bad about something I said to my friend almost 40 years later. LOL

[azaleacrimson]

Can relate, definitely. I have worried extensively and greatly that I'm an awful person. A lot of that is worrying that I'm selfish and don't actually care about people, only about myself, and etc. One thing to consider is that if I was like that, would I be worrying so much about it?

Anyway, I've heard that it is common for OCD to make you worry you're a bad person, and the compulsions and ruminations often occur because you want to do what is good. I'm trying to be assured that I am doing the best I can, but it's still hard.

I don't claim to have all the answers yet. Though, it definitely sounds like you do care about others a lot, and you're doing the best you can. Keep your chin up. 🙂

[3BirdLover in reply to azaleacrimson]

Thank you. I appreciate your comments. Makes sense!

[Hidden in reply to azaleacrimson]

yep- its extremely common for us OCDers to think we are bad people.Very, very few are. The opposite is true in my experience.

Thats how OCD works...it latches onto things that are important you. eg. "I want to be a good person"...so it trys to convince you you arent.....