I'm 21 and a student in the UK. For a long long time I've struggled with mental health but due mostly to family opinions I've never been to a therapist. When I was younger and kept saying I should get help my mum said I should be careful in case it affected my future career choice and I know this is so so stupid but I just can't get it out of my head. Yesterday I got as far as starting to fill out a self-referall form for uni counselling but something stopped me. The irony is I know just how ridiculous this is because if I don't get help at this point I think it's likely I won't be able to finish my degree anyway.
So obviously I've never actually been to a mental health professional so I don't actually know if I have OCD, and I have been super hesitant to post this because I know people self-diagnosing is a big problem. All I know is that when I was like 14 and came across an article about OCD on the internet I broke down in tears thinking that maybe I wasn't broken for doing what I was or a monster for having the thoughts that I was, but that this could actually be a condition instead. I'm pretty sure whether it's OCD or not I could definitely do with some psychiatric help, but things that make me think it could be OCD are the horrible intrusive thoughts I sometimes have and the things I do. It was worst when I was about 14/15 and I would wash my hands so much they would bleed because I was terrified about bringing something home from chemistry class that would kill my sister, or had to throw mountains of laundry in the wash because I saw a piece of grass on the school bus and was convinced I'd been in contact with marijuana. Recently things have changed, and now it's mainly doing my Cross a lot and repeating a prayer in my head, I still wash my hands too much probably, sometimes I have to check I've turned the tap off lots and lots of times and will just stand in the hallway staring at the bathroom tap for ages because I can't convince myself it's actually off. The last thing has become a nightly occurrence, and now I race to bed before my flatmates so it's not on me if the tap is left on, or just go without peeing before bed because I can't deal with having to stand there and stare at it. Things came to a head yesterday when I woke up with a cold sore - I have had maybe 3 of these before in my life, the one before this one I washed my hands too much at the time but this one for some reason felt like the end of the world. I am freaked out and paranoid about it being on my clothes, on my pillowcase, on the right way to wash it off utensils so my flatmates don't get it. I had what I'm pretty sure was a panic attack just about cold sores yesterday morning and then it calmed down a bit but I was up until 4 washing things over and over again with boiling water and even when I went to bed I couldn't sleep properly I kept waking up thinking it was on my pillow and all over. It's made worse because my hands are sore and cracked from washing them and I've heard it can spread to your fingers through this. At this point it's really affecting my life and I have an essay due in two days and a lecture I should be watching right now but I just can't focus on anything else.
I know it's down to me to get help and that it's really stupid to buy into the stigma around OCD, but I'm so anxious about what getting help would be like and what it would do. Every time I think about it there's just this little freak out when I think what if my mum's right what if this ruins my life and that's so irrational when all that could really ruin my life would be not dealing with it and it getting worse and worse. I'm so tired and I just can't turn off the thinking. Does anyone have experience of OCD or an OCD diagnosis affecting their work or prejudice about it? Maybe this is irrational and this post in itself is reassurance seeking but how the hell would I know if I can't even make myself go to therapy.
Anyway I'm sorry for the super long post and I'm sorry if anything I said triggered anyone. I'm also really sorry if anything I said is offensive in any way. Stigma around OCD is terrible and I'm scared I'm just buying into it with this post and with my thinking but I'm genuinely just stuck and desperate. I'm also sorry if posting this in the OCD section is wrong or ignorant when I have never had a diagnosis or anything, but just an OCD forum makes me feel less alone. I follow some OCD help accounts on instagram that are so useful to read but I feel like such a fraud and so guilty for following them when I don't even know if I actually have it. I just want to feel not alone in this and to hear people's experiences about help-seeking and advice.
Thank you x
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Hdiebdowms
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I am not a therapist but I have had OCD for close to 40 years. I don't know how your symptoms could be anything other than OCD. If you want to test yourself, here is a commonly-used assessment:
You are not alone in this. Plenty of your fellow humans have the same disorder and the same struggles. The good news is that these days there are therapeutic techniques and/or medications that help most of us. It can take time to find the right medication or the right therapeutic approach, but you don't have to live in constant anxiety, and you don't have to do your exhausting rituals. Do some research into ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy -- some form of that is what works best for most people. (It has helped me considerably.)
I can't really speak to issues regarding stigma and your career. In the US, I have heard that an OCD diagnosis can keep you out of certain military careers, maybe there are others. If no one else addresses that here, you should probably talk to a counselor who knows about privacy laws and discrimination protections in the UK. That might put your mind at ease, or at least let you know what the real situation is.
Otherwise, you should not hesitate to seek professional help. I have spent a significant part of my life with OCD-related anxiety, and I should have gotten help much earlier. Nobody except my family knows I have OCD or get treatment for it. Treatment doesn't reduce my productivity, and it has only made me a better person. The anxiety and the rituals are what keep you down, if you let them.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to write this reply, and for everything you said. After reading your post I feel so much better about actually going out and seeking help so thank you I feel like I built up this fear around it in my head but you're so right, it's the anxiety and rituals that make life worse, treatment is what would help. Guess I just need to get past the voice in my head and actually take steps to improve things bc the only way is up right. And thanks for saying I don't have to live like this - reading just that gives me hope.
I want you to know , tho I am not sure what you are experiencing, you are NOT alone . Just know someone may be able to respond to you today, I also came here looking for answers. I am wishing you luck , and sending you a huge hug . Whatever this may be .....we got this right ?
Hi! Welcome to the Forum. So glad you posted. You do not have to suffer alone. There are many of us that have gone through similar situations as you- me included. Please don’t feel hesitation on getting help- there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting the help you need just as if you had a physical disease and were getting help for it. You can get better 👍
You poor thing....I feel for you so much. What you describe sounds very much like OCD to me. I can relate so much. When you described picking up a piece of grass, then it blowing up into terrible scarey thoughts I can relate to. OCD loves to take something and blow it up in our heads into making us responsible and fearful of causing harm to others, so we go through cleansing rituals that we hope will help. Yes, after being completely exhausted, it MIGHT give us a small sense of relief, but only for a short time and we are back in the panic again over the next thing. Once in the loop for these compulsions it just gets worse and worse.
Also you mentioned staring at a faucet to be sure it was turned off....oh yes.... I have done the same thing (with other similar items as well). The serotonin in the brain is not getting to where it is supposed to go, hence not giving us the brain signal that everything is alright.
Having OCD is a brain disorder. It is not something you just suck up. It is not any different than telling a diabetic they just need to ignore their condition, or a cancer patient that has to go to a doctor. You must take care of yourself, and seek help with this.
I have had OCD for 60 years and I encourage you to seek help. Your future actually DEPENDS on it. To think it might hinder your career is not true (just my opinion). When I was about 20 I was in an internship that I found it impossible to do my work....I kept checking and re-checking my work, starting over and over, etc. My boss even noticed that I was doing this. I wish I had gotten help for it back then, however it wasn't really as much known as it is now.
You have a great advantage of the research and knowledge that has been gained since I was young. There are OCD therapists that really 'get it'. They know how to help you. Believe me, you will be so much more able to function and so much happier once you learn some skills and more about this disorder.
On iocdf.org there is a place to find OCD specialist near you. It may not show the UK, but if it doesn't I'm sure you can send an email to them and they will help you find the right place. Please be sure to find someone who knows OCD so you get the right help.
You probably need some meds also. The SSRI's (I think they are called) and meds that will help the serotonin in your brain to get regulated. THis and the therapy together are so beneficial..... you will be so much happier, have more confidence and be so glad you did this!
You are not alone and there is help now. Get it sooner than later. I have had ocd for 30 years and looked for help but in the 1980's therapists did not really know the prevalence, seriousness, and recovery methods of this wicked disorder! Now therapists are more aware!! Many of the replies to you are filled with great information. Do yourself a favor and get ERP therapy. Wishing you the best. :0)
Let go of any guilt for posting here. Based on my lifelong experience with OCD,, the feelings and situations you describe are very familliar. OCD can be so painful. We feel a kinship with each other because of our shared pain and would never want a fellow sufferer to feel unwelcome.
If you seek treatment, it will be confidential . I don't see how it could affect your career, but, even if it did, your life and happiness are what's impirtant.
As the other guys have said ,,,,it's time to heal., Yep it deffo sounds like ocd to me and I should know ,I've had this thing for some time .Any way you have come to the right place ,nothing will shock us ,and we have all struggled with ocd ,you will improve and have a life and loose the fear ,find an ocd therapist and start your recovery ,,,,,chin up 1in 4 have an anxiety related illness you are gonna get well xx
Your description was very vivid and certainly sounds like OCD to me. Your worry that you triggered a reader especially resonated with me. Fear of doing harm is my big OCD issue. Please get some help. I was misdiagnosed for many years and it was a big waste of time. It was such a huge relief when I finally knew what was going on with me and got the correct treatment. You will feel so much better. BTW, you are an excellent writer.
Where do I start? Maybe with my son who has OCD and went through some of what you describe. The important part is that he lost critical early treatment because his mom thought like your mom, and both are insanely wrong.
Not getting treatment for OCD (and other conditions) will basically guarantee that you fail and your only good bet is to first get mentally better then get back on the path to your career. Get diagnosed immediately and get treatment, meds/CBT, and also check if that entitles you to get some special consideration in test-taking etc. ( is there something similar to the US ADA act?)
Your description checks-off quite a few boxes of classic OCD manifestations: Contamination, Excessive Washing, Scrupulosity, Doubting/Checking, Intrusive Ominous Thoughts and the Compulsions that follow, and even the 'changing over time' is common.
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I feel like I built up this fear around it in my head but you're so right, it's the anxiety and rituals that make life worse, treatment is what would help. Guess I just need to get past the voice in my head and actually take steps to improve things bc the only way is up right. And thanks for saying I don't have to live like this - reading just that gives me hope.
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