OCD Messing Up Dates and Conversations

[Winchester2022]

It’s been a while since I posted- for a little background, I am still living with my daughter's mom. My daughter is almost 18, and my wife and I for the last 9 years or so have been living together as friends, with a sort of don't ask don't tell policy, because we didn't want to separate before our she graduates from high school.

Lately I’ve been trying to date but am plagued with OCD over where to go on the date to eat. I have written down so many potential places in the notepad of my iphone. I obsess that it can’t be a place where I bring my daughter because my daughter does not yet know about my status with her mom (although it’s been hinted at a few times before). I worry that if I bring a date to a restaurant and then bring my daughter there, the waiter or waitress will inadvertently say something in front of my daughter related to the woman I was with last time or that it will just be awkward in front of the staff.

I don’t know why this clouds my mind every time I have to text or communicate with a potential date, even if the conversation has nothing to do with where we’ll go to eat. Also, there are thousands of places all over as options where I don’t plan to take my daughter. During conversation my mind just freezes trying to figure out where we’ll go, and then I come off as unnatural. Please help!

Thanks

[Winchester2022]

I left out some important context. I met someone a couple of weeks ago for the first time who I’m crazy about, but didn’t think I’d see her again. She finally told me she was interested to keep meeting after I hadn’t heard from her for a while. Then last night I was trying to coordinate something, and she was responding, but then stopped responding. I think it’s because I sounded unsure of myself and lacked confidence due to OCD. I proposed a place she was interested in but then wrote back with something like “or if you prefer we can go to ….. instead.” No word back from her and my OCD is shooting through the roof.

OCD has ruined too many relationships and opportunities in my life, and I don’t want it to ruin this one! Part of the reason why my ocd is so strong is because I recently got over being sick and taking antibiotics and I’ve just been fatigued.

I really don’t want to ruin this. If she decides not to meet with me anymore I can handle that, but I don’t want it to be because of my ocd.

Thanks

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[Lauragbr in reply to Winchester2022]

There is no way to know why this woman stopped responding. You can blame it on your OCD, but in reality you have no idea. You really don’t know much about her and her life and what she may be going through. Give it a day, if she doesn’t answer try to look at it as her loss.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Lauragbr]

Thanks… should I touch base again after a day? We’ve been in on off communications for two weeks, and I’ve been trying to set up a second meet that whole time.

[Lauragbr in reply to Winchester2022]

You can try to get in touch with her in a day or so. If you don’t hear back from her then it’s time to move on. Remember things like this happen even with people who don’t have OCD!!

[Sallyskins]

I think for a start it might be sensible to be open with your daughter. Children - and she is almost an adult! - do pick up on things that are wrong with their parents' relationship, and she is likely to have noticed quite a lot already.

It's best to be open with your kids from the start, but I appreciate that this isn't always easy, particularly if you're still trying to work out problems in the relationship. Having said that, it's hard to suddenly come clean that you and your wife are no longer a functioning couple in case it comes as a shock to her. But my guess is that she already knows.

Being ill and feeling rather below par does make your OCD play up. Having OCD is so energy intensive, that if you feel depleted then you don't have enough energy to fight the OCD. So give yourself a break, take it easy, and allow your health to recover. There's often a recovery period following a bout of illness where you need to build up your strength and resources.

I do appreciate where you're coming from in wanting to keep the restaurants where you meet dates and where you take your daughter separate from one another. It's all right to meet other women, but you don't necessarily want to introduce them to your daughter if you don't know where the relationship is heading. In any case, your daughter might not want to know.

How about making a list of possible places to eat, with a category for dates and another for your daughter? Then before a date you can refer to your list and say 'How about such-and-such a place?' I know how OCD can cause mental blocks, but if you have a list, then perhaps it would be easier.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you Sally. I’m not sure if this matters or not, but I’m not actually worried about my daughter coincidentally coming to the same restaurant while I’m on a date- I’m worried that if I go to that restaurant with my daughter on another day after I’ve been on a date there, then someone from the wait staff will make a comment in front of my daughter relating to the woman I was on a date with. Highly unlikely that wait staff would do this which is why I think this is all OCD.

[Sallyskins in reply to Winchester2022]

I think that it is mostly down to OCD, though it's possible that a waiter or waitress might say 'Hello again!' or 'Good to have you here again!' If that happens and you're with your daughter, you can always say, 'Hello again! This is my daughter!' That way they might understand that they should be discreet.

Running into your daughter while you're on a date might be embarrassing, and for you both, whether or not you've got OCD - children really don't want to know about their parents' sex lives - but that's a risk you've got to take. I should have thought, though, that the sort of places your daughter goes to with her own friends are not the sort of places you might take a date to anyway - teenagers have less disposable income, for a start, and their tastes usually run to cheap 'n' cheerful.

Try not to stress about it, though I know how hard that is. If it happens that the staff say something or other in front of your daughter, or if your daughter happens to come into the restaurant you've gone to with a date, then take it in your stride. Put the effort into easing any embarrassment your date or daughter feels. They might not feel embarrassed anyway. And this is all conjectural, because it might not happen.

And be open with your date about your home situation from the start. Honesty is best in these cases. And although some women might not want to go out with a man who is still living with his wife, although they're no longer together, I think most women will be perfectly cool about it.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you this is helpful!