Flare up - Need support

[disneyandme]

Hi guys,

I’ve had some stress in my life today (just some boy issues honestly). But I realized i finally had to put an end to a 5 year on and off toxic person in my life. It made me have some realizations about myself and how I allow myself to be treated and what that must mean about my self confidence.

Anyway, it made me start over analyzing- my biggest compulsion. Analyzing myself, analyzing him, analyzing why all of us as humans are why we are the way we are, if narcissists are really at fault if its just the way their brain is programmed— you can see how the thought spiral started. Basically all of my themes are now on full blast begging me to analyze them and telling me its urgent. My existential OCD, religious OCD, fear of suicide OCD (no not suicidal, fear of losing control and becoming suicidal).

My main worry right now is, if something this minor in my life causes me such a flare up, what would happen if something awful happened? Would my OCD drive me to psychosis? (another huge fear of mine, please no comments about anyones experience with psychosis as its very triggering for me).

In addition to this, earlier I somehow came across an old article that triggered my OCD long ago about a kundalini awakening, third eyes, chakras, etc. I’m hugely triggered by any idea that suggests reality is not real. And when I get too triggered by it, I’m always worried that I’m gonna make myself go crazy because someone once told me that if you find yourself believing in the possibility of another reality its a sign of psychosis developing (again, please dont confirm or deny this as its a huge trigger).

I just really need some support right now guys and suggestions of how to calm my overactive mind as I’m spiraling quickly

[Hidden]

Hi Disney - Are you still seeing your therapist and being open to her? I remember in your last post that you were questioning her in regards to thought-stopping. How is your relationship with her going? In tonight's post it sounds like you are going through the same OCD themes as you were earlier. Remember that OCD is the enemy who wants us to believe things that are not true. OCD can be very powerful in trying to convince us of terrible things with its lies. Also try to remember that your mom was correct in not wanting you to be involved with this toxic relationship. I'm glad that you are gaining insight into why you allowed yourself to become involved again.

Granny Sunn-E here.

[disneyandme in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sunn-E! My relationship with my therapist is great -- luckily she helped me resolve those feelings the session we had together after I made that post. Funny how OCD wants us not to trust people. She also explained to me that the stop sign method is for stopping compulsions and not the thought itself, so it's not thought stopping per day. And yes, my mom was very right 🙂. Hoping I can heal from it now. Definitely the same OCD themes, sometimes they don't bother me at all and then sometimes on days like yesterday they hit me full force.

Thanks for the post Sunn-E good to hear from you ❤️

[Aleese]

Hi Disneyandme-

It sounds like you are learning a lot and realizing how you want to be treated by a man that’s not going to forfeit your self esteem, confidence etc...And, being so young, you have a whole world in front of you👍🏼

As far as OCD and it trying to cause you doubt and analyzing stress...remember, if something tells you, ‘It’s urgent’, that is one sign that it is OCD troubling us. For me it was THREAT...which is basically the same thing. That is one thing my therapist told me or tried to engrave in me. Threat is OCD. Hope your mind is calming down. Thinking of you ‘Disney girl’ and sending you a prayer today 🙏🏼 Keep up the great work and keep OCD in its place....’over there’ 😊

Have a wonderful day young lady,

Aleese

[disneyandme in reply to Aleese]

Hi Aleese!

You are so right about me learning how I want to be treated. Self esteem is so delicate when you have OCD.

"Urgency" or "threat" like you said is something I've become more aware of noticing, and you're right- it's always OCD when that feeling comes. Which means we should do the opposite and treat it like it's not urgent or a threat.... Sooo hard sometimes!!

My mind has calmed down- spent time with friends shopping all day yesterday. But reading this thread now is triggering these feelings a bit again, so I'm trying to treat it like I would any other exposure. I wrote a script with my therapist a few weeks back about similar topics, so I'm going to take time to read that a few times this week.

Have a great day Aleese!! Thanks for your support ❤️

[ChristianWolff]

First off dis, there are no minor issues when it comes OCD so you can knock that off your list. Second, I have been there with the existential/religious/kundalini/chakra/etc. topics. A number of years ago I thoroughly obsessed over these issues and spent three years attending classes (psychic development), seminars, trade shows, books, webinars, anything I could find on these topics. I even went out to Sedona, AZ for a two week "wander" and search for some answers. The bottom line dis, is that there are things that are known to us as well as many more things that are unknown. Some answers may be found while others will forever be a mystery to us. That doesn't make the known any more valid than the unknown though. So satisfy your curiosity as best you can by whatever means you choose and try not to fret over the answers that remain elusive. I will add that I am glad that I went through that three year period of exploration.

[disneyandme in reply to ChristianWolff]

Hi Christian,

Did this three year period put your mind to rest or did it cause you distress?? For me, I just experience great fear when I read anything about spiritual awakening. Research is definitely one of my compulsions because I feel like if I gather all possible info then I'm "safe". I have no genuine interest in any of the topics, but OCD tells me I need to figure it out because I'm in danger if I don't, because the unknown is a threat to OCD. It also tells me that if I don't figure it out I risk "going crazy" or "drifting into another dimension of consciousness" all of which are frightening to me.

[ChristianWolff in reply to disneyandme]

No need to frightened dis. My three year sojourn was actually exciting. I have a question for you. You say that these thoughts to delve deeper into some of these topics is your OCD talking. How do you know that for sure? We all have some level of intuition that comes across as a feeling or thought. It is a nudge from your higher self to take some form of action. I have a fierce belief in guardian angels and it could be one of them giving you the nudge. I was search you feelings of these things to see how it makes you feel. Try to let go of the fear when doing so and just be still to see what you feel. More often than not, that feeling will provide direction for you.

[disneyandme in reply to ChristianWolff]

It’s frightening to me because I’m Christian, not Buddhist or whatever religion kundalini and those ideas are. And I’m not someone who’s actually interested in any of those things.

[ChristianWolff in reply to disneyandme]

dis, I was born into a Buddhist family, but from the age of five have held a fervent belief in God. In my twenties after leaving home I researched early Christian texts and read as much I could lay my hands on, even studied at a remote seminary for a time. I converted to Christianity not long after. From what I have learned about the original intent before Christianity was modified to suit Power men, you have nothing to fear. Fear can hold a person hostage preventing them from seeking.

[disneyandme in reply to ChristianWolff]

Sorry if this is too personal, but after your 3 year sojourn, do you still consider yourself to be a follower of Christianity? Is that the conclusion you came to for yourself? Completely agree about it being modified to suit power men. You are so right. Basically OCD loves to attack my religion because it means a lot to me.

[disneyandme in reply to disneyandme]

Basically, I read too much about pineal glands and astral travel. Have you experienced this? And if so, do you still believe in God and Jesus? And is it something to be afraid of/evil?

[ChristianWolff in reply to disneyandme]

dis, my relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Mother is more intimate than I can explain. Yes, I have experienced astral travel among other things. I believe in what is not easily explained by mainstream science or religion. I was fearful at my first encounter with evil, but with God in my heart and the Holy Mother and the Angels protecting me I have risen above evil. I have seen and done things most people only read about or watch in movies and would not recommend it without proper training and preparation. I will tell you dis, that there is nothing to fear. One last thing, dis there is nothing that means more to me than my unwavering faith in God, it is everything.

[disneyandme in reply to ChristianWolff]

I guess my point is, I just don't want to experience anything like astral travel or kundalini awakening. I already know my faith is Christianity and my belief in God is very strong. But OCD tries to tell me that my religion isn't true, and that all of that other stuff is real and it makes me afraid of it (meditation, etc.). Can the two really coexist- belief in Christianity while also engaging in/experiencing astral travel and such? The reason i feel it's my OCD is that it's fear driven and never satisfied, especially because there is so much uncertainty with existential questions and OCD hates uncertainty.

[ChristianWolff in reply to disneyandme]

Dear disneyandme, the world is filled with uncertainty. Life is a series of events expected and unexpected. The only thing left for us mortals to do is to choose how we react to each, especially the unexpected occurrences. Follow your heart. Your heart knows what is true. In the quiet moments listen to your heart.

[tri2befree]

Hi disneyandme ! Thanks so much for your bravery in sharing. Ending a toxic, lengthy relationship is not minor at all. This is a big step, and it is not surprising that OCD is coming out to greet you during this time of transition. You are so much stronger than you think you are. I also have a huge fear that I will completely lose my mind if something else huge happens in my life. But I actually think that because of your OCD, you could handle the stress better than anyone (and far better than you think you can). As tough as it might be, trust the ERP and tell yourself that things things might happen. Tell your OCD that this is a perfect time for exposure and that you can handle the anxiety, because you can. You are strong, compassionate, and amazing - you can beat this.

[disneyandme in reply to tri2befree]

Hi tri2befree!! Thanks for helping me realize I actually should be proud of the progress ive made by ending this relationship. You're right- to me it isn't minor. And I also think maybe you're right- that because we have so much practice handling fear due to our OCD, we might even be able to handle the stress better than others if something awful were to happen. Thanks for this perspective. And from an ERP standpoint- maybe we will lose our minds, maybe we won't 🙂. Have a good day and thanks for taking the time to write this!!