I’m not really sure where to start. I have been a little absent from this forum lately because I have placed pressure on myself to only write posts that inspire and help others, posts that are positive and uplifting. I can not tell you how many times in the past month I have drafted up a post in my notes only to be at a loss for words and angry with myself for struggling. Right now the truth is that I don’t feel positive or uplifting or encouraging. The truth is that OCD is a torturous and cruel bully, and that even in recovery, relapses do happen.
I am struggling with a particularly nasty obsession that focuses on a false memory of me harming a loved one. A loved one who passed away suddenly four years ago. Lately I replay that day in my head over and over again. Before I can stop, I find myself going over every detail and every reason why it is impossible for me to have caused him any harm. I know I am doing compulsions, and I know it is not helping me. But how do you just let go of something that was so traumatic in your life? Something that OCD chose to latch on to? My therapist always encourages me to try replying to my thoughts with a simple “Maybe, I don’t know”. But I wonder if she would be able to do the same if even an ounce of her believed that there was a chance she harmed someone herself. When you have OCD, you can’t just let go. It’s not that simple.
In all honesty, I’m angry. I’m livid, actually, that I am having to face this setback not knowing if I will be able to come out of it. I hate the way my brain malfunctions. I hate how I still question if I do in fact have OCD. I hate the way the world misunderstands this disease, but mostly I hate the way I can’t take the advice for myself that I give to others. It makes me feel like a fraud, but I know that is OCD speaking to me. So here I am asking you for support or just a simple word of encouragement. I can’t do this by myself, and that is why I am so thankful to have the support on here that I do. So please, if you have something nice to say send it my way! I’ll be praying for all of us on this difficult journey.