I am not looking for reassurance; I simply want to share, and this is the first place publicly I want to disclose this story... thank you for taking the time to read!
My OCD was undiagnosed for most of my life, and I was really good at hiding it or explaining it away. Four years ago, when my first daughter was born, my OCD exploded. Looking back, my OCD was always getting worse, but my new daughter made it metastasize exponentially. Understandably, this was taxing my wife and I do not judge her for that. Somehow, and I don’t know how, but I was able to force myself to function... eventually, it all caught up to me and was no longer manageable or sustainable... we had another daughter, I got worse, work was suffering, I got diagnosed and then that’s where it all truly spiraled...
When I was officially diagnosed in March 2018, my wife lost it and she left me alone to take care my daughters and she had an affair (at the time, I didn’t know about the affair). She came back and was different, her behavior was odd, we had been seeing a counselor to help with my OCD and other issues, but she was resistant. Eventually her risky behavior got me so scared that I looked in her journal (not my proudest moment, but I didn’t know what else to do)... what I uncovered was a torrid affair, hate towards me, calling me crazy, risky behavior, and so many lies and so much sex and betrayal! This was June 2018, and I called her on it. She again left me alone to take care of my daughters (on Father’s Day Weekend no less) and she went to have an affair; she was gone all of June. It was painful, but I have documentation of the affair, the horrific text messages that were exchanged between her and her lover and it all unfolded in front of me. Still, I persisted to work on our relationship and clung on to hope; I convinced her to come back, but now finally... she wants out. It’s too hard. I’m too crazy. She can’t do it. 20 days before Christmas and she chooses now to leave! I hope she finds what she is looking for because I gave it my all and I am proud of how well I took it all... in the end, it wasn’t for any lack of effort on my part. This choice is on her and something she’ll have to explain to her daughters and take ownership for. I can look at myself in the mirror, perhaps one day she can too.
My well-being of my daughters is the most important thing to me, and I will always fight for them!
I guess what I’m trying to say in this ramble of a post is... THANK GOD I GOT TREATMENT! I have severe OCD, my wife cheated on me and she is now leaving me so my marriage is a mess, my job is hanging on by a thread so there isn’t much confidence there financially, and I am isolated away from family... buuuuuut, I’m so confident in my self now irrespective of all this bullshit chaos. I accept this. I don’t like it, but I accept it. I want to share this so others can have insight and perspective... struggles run deep with OCD, and my story isn’t necessarily unique, but I know that by sharing it I get relief and I might be able to inspire and help someone else. I am certain that uncertainty is all around us. Just like you can’t control your thoughts, you also can’t control people, but you can control your own actions! Own your values. Develop your values. Cherish your values. Your values will be there in your darkest of hours to help guide you. Thanks for reading, be well; cheers!