Hello.
I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m working with a therapist once a week on my OCD themes so things are very present for me right now. What I can’t understand is how horrible I am to myself.
If OCD is egodystonic, then why do I hurt myself?
I’m in my 40s. I have a successful career. At my lowest, most private moments I apparently hate myself, and yet I’m an expert at appearing completely fine.
My SH is very calculated to be unnoticeable or explainable, which to me, in the rational daylight moments, makes it seem even worse.
I’m a little confused about how this ties in with OCD thinking. Am I beating myself up (literally now, as well as mentally) because I don’t like how my brain works? Is SH becoming a compulsive response to critical thoughts? If so, it’s particularly malicious.
Thank you for reading this. I feel stuck and very sad. If anyone has any tips I’d appreciate them. I don’t feel like I can contact any friends or family when I’m feeling very low because I don’t want them to worry about me.