what should I do?

[dutchgirl71]

I’ve had OCD all my life. My nephew is getting married in a few weeks and I am terrified of a huge trigger! It’s not an option to not go, as my family is close…and I hate to tell my sister (mother of the groom) about my fears . I hope to get sick so I have an excuse to not go. I also hate to lie and say I am sick if I am not sick for real, as the guilt would be hard for me. I just don’t know what to do. My contaminated OCD “travels” and I fear so many things gs would be contaminated that I will be unable to deal. Do I go to the wedding or make an excuse to not attend???

[aparente001]

Have you considered letting your nephew and fiancée know about your OCD, give them your best wishes, and find an alternate way of congratulating them? If you prefer not to disclose your OCD to the rest of your family, you could ask the couple not to reveal it to the others. It's a very personal decision for each person, how much to disclose, and to whom. Regards.

[dutchgirl71 in reply to aparente001]

thank you aparente001. I think I will talk to my sister, his mother about it. My OCD just sounds so weird…it’s embarrassing. I’m hoping to work through it and attend the wedding as I would feel horrible if I don’t go.

[aparente001 in reply to dutchgirl71]

Best of luck. It can be very liberating and comforting to make a disclosure. Often the first disclosure is the hardest. Note that not everyone reacts supportively when the disclosure is first made. If that ever happens to you, keep in mind that sometimes a person needs to live with the information for a while before showing a supportive attitude. Also, with relatives, it can be helpful to reassure them that it's not anyone's fault, there's just something about your brain chemistry that makes your self-protective instincts overactive in some ways, and that many people with OCD are able to improve over time. (For example, my son was able to overcome his specific phobia after a couple of years in treatment.) I wonder if you have a favorite article about OCD that you'd like to print out to share with them? Last comment. I wonder if you and they could brainstorm some ways that the wedding might become easier for you to handle. Having a buddy present who is tuned into you can be a help right off the bat.

[SirUthal]

Hey! It may be tough, but you can find some way to attend. If you are unable to go in person, perhaps you can find someone to bring you in virtually. HOWEVER…

My suggestion is to try to go in person. Keep in mind, I don’t know what your OCD is other than the contamination fears that you mentioned, but there could be a way to go using a baby steps method. For example, if you have to use public transportation and that’s your biggest trigger, you could wear several masks, bring a gallon of hand sanitizer, and wear multiple layers of clothing, gloves, etc... Sounds ridiculous, but it would be a step. The ultimate goal is to recognize your OCD as loud lies, and then to dismiss it. The longer you allow OCD to consume your life without fighting back and without telling yourself that you won’t tolerate OCD ruining your life, the worse it gets.

Therapy for OCD sucks because we have to dismiss our OCD fears which feel so real, but you could use this as a therapy exercise. Remember it’s just a feeling, and see if there’s some sort of progress you can take towards getting out there. Good luck!

[dutchgirl71 in reply to SirUthal]

thanks SirUthal. I am trying to use it as an ERP experience…it’s just so scary! Thanks for the response and encouragement!

[trailwalker53]

Hi Dutchgirl71,

I'm so sorry you are struggling. But I know EXACTLY how you feel. I suffer from contamination OCD among many other themes. I wish there was an easy answer...Are you in therapy using ERP? If so, I know a therapist would tell you to go and make it a huge exposure, but if you are not in therapy then you may not have the "tools" to do that. I have also had OCD my entire life and I'm in my late 50's now! I recently just started counseling for the very first time with NOCD and it is very hard! Many, many times I have taken the easiest road and backed out of plans. My family knows I suffer and most of them understand. Maybe you can share your struggles with your sister?? My OCD always has me looking for ways of avoidance, which is the easy way out, but in the long run its not the best answer. I'm sorry I could not be of more help. I wish you well!

[dutchgirl71 in reply to trailwalker53]

thank you trailwalker53. Yes, I am in ERP therapy…and yes, my therapist is encouraging me to use this as a great ERP experience! I know I should not avoid..but it’s so hard! Thanks for the response and encouragement!

[Rougefleur]

Hello, Dutch Girl,

I too have suffered from OCD since my childhood and can certainly identify with your predicament. Over the years, I have forced myself to face my OCD fears and attended many an event that I knew would trigger those fears (contamination is a big one for me) and it usually worked out as being much less scary and much more manageable than I had anticipated. But the key was that I had the encouragement of a good therapist, which I still do. However, the onset of Covid has made attending any social events a huge challenge for me, as it has magnified those contamination fears ten-fold. To the point where I have to evaluate whether taking the risk of going to an event and suffering through the OCD triggering tha will result is worth it. Only you can make that decision. I recently declined an invitation to a family dinner where relatives from another state who had just attended a funeral the day before would be attending, and I simply didn't know their level of exposure from that event. But I agree that declining a family wedding invite is a big deal. What I have gotten much better at is telling family members and close friends about my OCD, and asking for their understanding if I feel I cannot attend a social function due to the emotional and physical toll it would have on me. Most people who do not suffer from OCD cannot fully understand how difficult it is to overcome the triggers and how much we can suffer because if them. But if they truly care about you, they will try their best to support you in your struggle. I also have been able to diminish my fear of being exposed to covid by still masking up in public and making sure I follow the medical guidelines for getting boosted. I am no longer ashamed of appearing in public wearing a mask, as I consider it a necessity for fending off my OCd triggers, just as people with other medical conditions need to take certain precautions. If you really do want to attend your nephews wedding, and would feel more comforyable wearing a mask, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. It should be viewed as a personal choice. How other people react is their issue, not yours. Dr. Seuss had a great line that could apply here: "Be who you are and say what you feel; those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind." Whatever you decide, after conferring with your therapist, just be sure it fee right for you. None of us should be ashamed of fighting a battle we did not ask for, and those close to you should be able to support your . l wish you the best.

[dutchgirl71 in reply to Rougefleur]

hi Rougefleur. I’m sorry you suffer from OCD as well. I guess a “good” thing about my OCD is that it is quite illogical… I am worried that a certain person will wear a coat that triggered me a few years ago (at another celebration)….sounds so crazy I know…but that’s ocd! I like your thoughts on just telling my sister as I’m sure she will be supportive.

[Sibby33 in reply to dutchgirl71]

Just to say I get how you feel. We know our fears are irrational but they are still scary. I hope you manage to go to the wedding!

[dutchgirl71 in reply to Sibby33]

I did go! And it was fabulous! Thank you for your message!

[Vasilijzgr]

Just go. No matter what you fear, go.

[dutchgirl71 in reply to Vasilijzgr]

yup Vasilijzhr…in a nutshell that’s all there is to it!!

[Phoenyx]

Hi dutchgirl71. I don’t have contamination OCD. Mine is HarmOCD but the disorder makes us all feel the same horrible way. The truth is your close family/friends might try to understand but they never will if they don’t suffer from the same disorder. It is so hard to do certain things when you are wrapped up in fear and intrusive thoughts. Often times, I feel so sick and tired of my thoughts. I don’t want my life (or yours) to pass by in fear of if OCD strikes. We are probably one of the bravest people on earth because it takes a lot mentally to do things others don’t even think about- like attending a wedding.

So go ahead, try to push yourself and live your life to the fullest!!!

[dutchgirl71 in reply to Phoenyx]

Yes Phoenyx….I have already lost so much to OCD…I am trying to make the second half of my life I have better than the first! I read a quote from the keynote speaker at the ocd convention a few years ago that said we are among the bravest in that we conjure up these horrific scenarios for the simplest tasks…yet we still do them anyway (the quote was something like that..it’s hanging on my wall at home and I’m still at work!). Thanks for your thoughtful response!