I just need a hug to be honest. I couldn't rly function at work today, I couldn't do my work, my mind was focusing on the obsessions throughout my meetings and I was performing mental compulsions throughout. It was such a debilitating experience. It pains me so much that I am not living the life I could be achieving, that I am not performing as well I want to. My brain was literally frozen and it was so tough to try and get myself moving.
Trigger was that I watched porn previous night which caused some obsessions to flare up.
I really hope that I can still produce good results from my job, this job is amazing and has many amazing opportunities but many days I am barely hanging on. I am also given the opportunity to travel, but on all my trips my OCD flares up and I cannot perform. There was one time it was so bad that I had to stay in the hotel the entire day.
I just rly hope that life is going to turn out okay. I hope my life works out. Like everyone else I want to have a good job, settle down, start a family, buy a house, and travel the world. I just want to have a normal life. I'm 27 this year, so I see many friends developing their lives really well. Whereas I'm here just trying to get through each day. It's infuriating when I know that I have many gd things in my life but I cannot enjoy them because my mind is not well, and I fear that one day I will lose all of them. Thank you for reading, I just rly feel so defeated, I just want a hug and someone to tell me it will be okay. I feel so sad. I cried on the train on the way to work tday, and I'm crying now as I'm typing this too at the cafeteria on my lunch break. It's such a lonely and isolating experience.
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lavender514
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I understand how you feel. OCD is like someone knocking on your door, motioning you to follow him towards certain self-destruction, and you feeling unable to say no. You don't seem to know anymore who your real self is. The good news is recovery is possible with the right therapy. Hang in there!
I feel you. I get unbelievably sad and weepy too. Sometimes it feels like I have two brains fighting each other for attention and the internal pressure, especially at work, is just crazy. If I may offer some advice, what helps me, is to step outside and take a breath of fresh air and look at the sky before going back in. Or leave for the toilet and release some pressure with a little cry. After work it really helps to chat to a friend. I find all these things quite grounding. I also agree with deValentin - help is out there. Best wishes
I found the OCD Stories podcast to be a good inspiration. It provided motivation and encouragement for me to take on OCD. If other people could overcome OCD then I could too.
Hi Lavender - I'm so sorry you're having difficulty right now. I really am and my heart goes out to you. <3
It's strange that we all have such similar experiences. We often think we're unique with our OCD, but there is a lot of overlap with what other people have felt. Like you when I was younger I used to worry that my OCD would stop me from doing the things that I wanted in life. Like you too, I used to travel and have my OCD spike. Sometimes I would go for days without sleep worried sick. I felt very beaten and worthless. I know now that these were just other lies that OCD told me. I'm in my 40's now and I have a wife, kids, home, and a career. I also know that all that worry I did didn't matter 1 iota in the grand scheme of things. I know it may not feel like it, but you are not weak. Most people wouldn't be able to contend with what OCD suffers deal with for 5 minutes before breaking down. The fact that you are reaching out and getting help proves you are strong and have the will to get better. Recovery is not easy or fun but it is worth it. I can promise you that. With medicine and therapy I've been able to do things I never thought I'd be able to do. I was definitely scared when doing them but it has allowed me to grow so much.
I know it's hard to see people around you who you think are doing better than you, but we never really know if they are. Most people are fighting unseen battles we'll never know about. One good piece of advice I got was, "Don't compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.". That's the only valid comparison we can really make.
I also used to have a very hard time in my job with OCD... I would spend all day having mental compulsions and checking my work over and over again thinking that I made a fatal mistake and that a patient died in the hospital because of me it was excruciating!I meditate now in the morning and it helps me put my mind in order and be more focused and present at my work. I also practice being mindful not only by doing meditation and I can see a tremendous change! I finally realized that I wasn't bad at my job.. Sometimes we face hardships at work no one is 100%.
I can also tolerate my feelings better when I make mistakes.
Oh, I am so, so sorry and I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I don’t know if your OCD is always consistent. Mine comes and goes. I’m currently coming out of a relapse that started last March. When I have a relapse the first three months are the worst, then it very slowly gets better. At my worst I cried , really ugly cried, at least three times a week. Sometimes I would come home and just collapse into tears. I always felt better afterwards. So I would encourage you to cry whenever you feel the need. I hope you are getting professional help as well. Things will get better. Hang in there. ❤️
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