Cheating ROCD

[Georgiayates24]

I keep being convinced I cheated . The newest one was a guy I slept with before my partner. Anyway I was in college and I saw him he kept looking at me and I was with my friends. I'm convinced that I kept showing my body off to him for him to find me attractive. The boy put me through hell he did revenge porn on me and hundreds of people saw videos of us having intercourse while I was so drunk I couldn't see. I kept asking my friends if he was looking and I'm convinced I pulled my trousers up to make him look etc behind my partners back. I had male friends and I'm convinced one of them has touched me inappropriately behind my boyfriends back like touching my thigh or something it's driving me mad

[80_Zil_ian]

Sorry to hear that; that is truly a terrible story.

Practically speaking, you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend because of your past—this is just OCD making you believe otherwise.

Regarding the second part, where OCD makes you feel like you are trying to get this person’s attention, try to distinguish this from actual OCD (intrusive thoughts that come to your mind and disgust you) and a possible real attraction that may still exist. If this guy made your life miserable, reflect deeply on your feelings to determine:

1. If you are truly disgusted by him because of what he did—and every time he comes to your mind, you genuinely feel disgusted.

2. If you still struggle to accept what he did to you, making you feel the need to understand why he treated you that way—because you find it hard to accept that sometimes people are simply mean.

3. If, in the end, you remain attached to him, whether emotionally or sexually.

In my opinion, points 1 and 2 are very common in OCD, as the disorder punishes you with unwanted thoughts and uncertainty. However, point 3, unfortunately, sometimes happens due to human nature—the tendency to remain attached to people who have clearly only used us.

To summarize, no, you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. But you need to better understand your feelings toward the other guy to determine what you truly need to fight against: OCD or a possible lingering attachment to him, which would be best to end as soon as possible.

[Georgiayates24 in reply to 80_Zil_ian]

I'm not attached to him at all. I hate him. I don't even think about him. But I saw him that one time since being with my boyfriend and I felt like I showed myself off so he'd look at me in a certain way to see that I was attractive and that I had a boyfriend who I love. If he had approached me I'd have told him to f off. I'm not attracted to him at all. Yet I'm convinced I was and that's why I did it. How can I do that to my boyfriend

[80_Zil_ian in reply to Georgiayates24]

So, if you hate him (which is totally understandable), this is pure OCD… your mind punishing you with guilt you shouldn’t have. It doesn’t matter what the object of our OCD is; it will always punish us: “Am I a cheater?”, “Am I violent?”, “Am I contaminated?” It doesn’t matter what the obsession’s object is—the pattern is always the same: self-punishment with things that are basically out of touch with reality or, at the very least, overestimated.

And since this is totally OCD, the first step is to accept reality, not what your thoughts are telling you: you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. That’s reality, and reality should be stronger than any thought.

And if you allow me to give you one piece of advice, please don’t take this the wrong way: when you start asking people, like your friends, to confirm things, you may be opening a flank for them to say bad things about you, thinking you’re still worried about this man. Having lived with OCD for almost 50 years, one piece of advice I always give to younger people is this: try not to let others know about your obsessions—only parents (for those who have a good relationship with them), professionals (doctors, therapists), or anonymous support groups. Friends will rarely understand, and when we involve other people, hoping they can help us by providing clarity in our uncertainties, we sometimes end up exposed—and the very people we trust can be the ones who spread bad things about us.

Many years ago, when I didn’t have the proper tools to understand the disorder, I lost many friendships because I was so desperate to seek comfort that I started exposing myself—asking other people for opinions, help, confirmations… In the end, people literally started to run away from me. Now, I don’t care about friends at all, but at the time, when I was younger, it really hurt.

[Georgiayates24 in reply to 80_Zil_ian]

Thing is I did hug my male friends probably too closely which has made this all worse

[deValentin]

It seems that a part of your mind believes you cheated, and another part thinks that that belief is ridiculous because it’s not based on facts and common sense. The question is, which part of your mind is right?

It sometimes happens, that, intellectually, we believe something, and, emotionally, we believe something else. How to reconcile the two? In my opinion, the first step is to step back and let things cool off for a while. Then it becomes easier to look at the situation objectively.

There are two things we need to consider when we feel guilty: the reason we feel guilty and the feeling of guilt itself. If we feel guilty when there is no reason to feel guilty, that’s no good. If we don’t feel guilty when there is a reason to feel guilty, that’s no good either.

Most people don’t feel guilty when there is no reason to feel guilty. For people with OCD, it’s different. They may feel guilty even if there is no reason to feel guilty. So, once they regain some perspective and are reasonably sure their guilty feeling has no basis, they need to count on the passing of time for their guilty feeling to fade away.

“The fact that someone feels ‘guilty’, ‘sinful’, by no means proves that he is right in feeling this way; any more than someone is healthy just because he feels healthy.” (On the Genealogy of Morality, Nietzsche)

[vencedora in reply to deValentin]

It's great to see you here in the Community again, I missed your answers and explanations on the posters. I hope you are well.

[deValentin in reply to vencedora]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm just spending few weeks in the Algarve region of Portugal, and learning few words of Portuguese, but unfortunately not enough to communicate with you in that beautiful language.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to deValentin]

I’m glad you’re just traveling. I was beginning to wonder because it’s unusual for you to go so long without commenting or posting. Welcome back!

[deValentin in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thank you. Unfortunately (or fortunately) there is no wi-fi on the innumerable beaches and trails of the Algarve. 🙂

[Ocdli]

I KNOW how you feel because I also have cheating OCD. The thing is that that is what we most likely WON'T do. I have all theese thoughts in my head too "What if I cheated when I was drunk and did not remember and did I cheat if I was looking at my ex Facebook or did I post that picture with the" wrong "intentions? I am in therapy for this and I have learned that keep confessing to your partner just keeps the OCD going. It is so hard because you get relief from confessing and seeking reassurance but it will help to stop doing those compulsions. Easier said than done.