Hello, my 21 yr daughter tried to commit suicide 2 weeks ago. Through the inpatient program she was placed at the ER , it was revealed that she is clinically depressed and has OCD (violent / immoral thoughts). She is on week 3 of 100 mg of Zoloft.
She kept it quiet for almost 10 yrs, with axiety building up like a time bomb, then something in 2021 triggered it exponentially, consuming every moment of her existence to the point that she didn’t wanted to live anymore. She views herself as a monster, undeserving of love or affection. She writes in a journal and most all that she writes is describing herself as a bad person, asking God why, telling herself she is disgusting. I am absolutely destroyed by her suffering.
When she was released from the inpatient program, she was placed on. PHP going 5 days a week for 5 hrs a day. All of this is so new to me and our Family, that I/ We don't know how to behave with her.
PLEASE ANYONE help! How do we conduct ourselves with her on a daily basis, should I ask her to be more open with us? what things should I NOT do. Please help me. I am in agony
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I’m sorry your daughter and the rest of the family are experiencing this. It can be overwhelming and scary but there is hope and help. Your daughter is doing what all of us with OCD have done, believing our thoughts equal actions. It’s called Thought-Action Fusion. It can be especially troubling when the thoughts involve “taboo” themes of OCD. You may find the book by Jon Hershfield, When a Family Member has OCD to be helpful. Jon is an OCD expert and this book is highly recommended by OCD specialists for family members and other loved ones. There is a virtual Family and Loved One’s OCD Support Group that meets on the second Saturday of the month. It is run by an OCD specialist who is also on the board of directors for the IOCDF and OCDSoCal, and his mother, who is an OCD advocate. The group starts out with the OCD specialist interviewing the guests. The guests are usually someone who has overcome OCD, and their parents or other loved ones. The interview includes what was helpful and not helpful on the journey. After the interview is done, the OCD specialist opens it up for questions from those attending the livestream. You can direct questions to the guests or the OCD specialist. The questions can be specific to the interview or general questions you may have regarding your own family situation. After the livestream is done, a detailed email is sent out with all the resources that were discussed. If you are interested in attending this, feel free to send me a private message in the chat by clicking on Chat at the top upper right of the page. I can send you the contact information to sign up. I hesitate to put her email address in the group feed for privacy reasons. She has given me permission to share her email address. The support group is done over a version of Zoom that is HIPPA compliant.
I was already an adult when I was diagnosed with OCD, 20 years ago. It was very hard to understand the disorder—I thought I was going mad. My late mother also couldn’t understand what was happening, but she knew that wasn’t me. I don’t know exactly what she thought, but she was very supportive, always believing that improvement was just a matter of finding a good doctor. It took some time, but it happened.
First, let her know that you trust her. Remind her repeatedly that thoughts are just thoughts—because most people with OCD, at the peak of their symptoms, don’t believe in logic; they want to believe in their thoughts. Show her past experiences and explain that the only way to have an indication of our future actions is by looking at our past. If she has always been completely incapable of doing anything bad, it is unlikely that she will do something terrible in the future.
One of the biggest fears of someone going through an HOCD crisis is losing control for a second and doing something awful. Tell her that bad thoughts don’t govern the will, and if they don’t govern the will, they can’t govern actions.
One thing that helped me was accepting that we can never be 100% sure of anything. People with HOCD tend to ruminate on their thoughts because they feel the need to find “proof” that they are incapable of doing something bad. We can have a strong indication that we are good people, but we can never have absolute certainty—because that’s human life.
If she mentions God, try to show her that sometimes what seems like a curse can actually be a blessing. It took me decades to understand that, but without any hypocrisy or false humility, I now see my OCD as a gift because it reminds me how small I am. Since she is young, it will be harder for her to understand that now—it was hard for me too—but with time, she will.
These are some things that have helped me and still help me today. On the other hand, here are some things I wish I had avoided, had I understood the disorder earlier:
• Talking about it with people who can’t help. Many times, my despair was so overwhelming that, in search of comfort, I started talking to people about it. Terrible mistake—people will not understand. Our parents (not in all cases, but fortunately in her case), doctors, therapists, and anonymous support groups are much more suitable to talk to than relatives, friends, and colleagues.
• Missing too many days of work, school, college, etc. Living with OCD is hard, but giving up on your life is even harder. If she stops, OCD will likely get worse, and she might face financial problems, bad grades, etc which would only add to the struggle. She needs to make a Herculean effort to maintain her routine and fulfill her duties. The alternative is much worse.
I wish you the best, and one day, she will be very proud and grateful to you for looking out for her and caring enough to seek help
Hello - I'm so sorry that your daughter and your family is going through this. What you're describing sounds like textbook OCD symptoms. We often hide what we're feeling/thinking since the thoughts feel so horrible to us. I've had OCD since I was 7 and only started seeking treatment when I turned 30. All that time I carried it with me since I didn't want to burden anyone else with what I thought. OCD can make us feel worthless and unlovable, but it is just a lie that OCD tells us. It attacks what we value most and tells us we are the opposite of it. From what you've written I can reasonably deduce that your daughter is a kind a loving person who doesn't want to hurt anyone. If she were the thoughts wouldn't make her feel so bad.
As for advice on how to behave around her, you should just treat her like a normal person and help her get the treatment she needs to get better. The more you and her can learn about the disease the better off you will be with dealing with it. The International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) has a lot of information on the disease and has a page dedicated to families of OCD suffers
It may also be helpful to remind your daughter that she is not her thoughts and she is not the OCD. We are defined by our choices not by what we think. My heart goes out to you and her. I know well the place she is in now. It can feel so hopeless and dark, but there is light. The good news is that with therapy and medicine something like +80% of people see their symptoms abate. A while ago I put together a list of what I've learned on my OCD journey. It may be of some use to you:
it is also important to remember that having OCD doesn't mean your broken or helpless or weird. There is an issue with some chemicals in your brain, but that is no different than someone whose body makes too much cholesterol or a diabetic whose body doesn't create enough insulin. You are not alone and there are literally millions of people who want (and can) help. All you need to do is ask. May God grant you and your daughter the peace you deserve.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful insight and care. She just started a 4 week program with psychiatrists and therapists, though I know OCD has a strong hold on her, I’ll keep reminding her that she is so much more than her thoughts. I will look at the links you sent, and I’ll foster a normal relationship and behavior with her.
You can always keep us posted and of course your daughter can reach out herself if she'd like. People with OCD can often ask for reassurance from a family member as a compulsion to assuage their OCD fears. It's important to not feed her OCD and to help her wean off the compulsions she has. It sounds like you are on the right path though since you're seeking out information on the disease. It's good she has a mother like you in her corner
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