please anyone help me

[juliaaappp]

Hi everyone. A couple years ago I struggled with harm ocd, quite literally thinking i will wake up one day and become a serial killer. Anyway, i struggled with that for 2 years and then i finally got over it.

Now 4 years later and mind you i thought i completely battled ocd and was done with it, i started to deal with existenital ocd. This consumed me for a good month until i got over it and another thought came.

I started thinking about how time goes by way to fast, and how thing's from 2 years ago feel like yesterday. I then started to to become obsessed with remembering everything. Then somehow this thought trickled into me and my boyfriends nearly 3 year relationship. I started saying to myself "omg, i can't remember every little hug, cuddle, kiss, laugh, touch, conversation from like 2 or 1 year ago", this then led to me panicking and thinking that, if i cant remember those memories then I don't really know my boyfriend. I know this is confusing to understand but basically my brain convinced me that I can't remember how my boyfriend acted exactly when we first started dating s well as a year ago. This then led to me thinking that because i cant remember exactly him a year ago, then i dont know him "is he the same?". Like i know him right now but i dont know that past him. This then led to me thinking that if he ever died, i wouldnt be able to grieve because i dont really know him and since i cant recall every interaction perfectly then i dont know him and i wont have any memories to remember him by. Like when he does something funny or acts a certain way im like "did he do this before" was he always like this. I feel like i need to remember everything from the past to validate the present moment. like i need to remember everything to know the present him. Then i was like i know he is my favourite person now and that i love him more then anyone, but did i think this a year ago or 2 years ago. Like i cant remember his laugh from a year ago, or how he acted. I also know that we have cuddled every single time we have been together, but since my brain can't remember it from a year or 2 ago, i convince myself that it never happened. It's like i need to know things from the past happened to validate the present moment. Like knowing the present moment isnt enough for me, i need to remeber everything to validate where we are now and that goes for him and his personality.

My relationship with him is something that i cherish most out of anything in my life and just 3 months ago this thought was never a thing. I hate this because i feel like im not in the moment with him because of these thoughts, constantly trying to compare to the past. I love him so much and i just want to go back to when this wasn't an issue. I don't know why i feel like i need to remember everything to know him even though ive ben dating him for 3 years and know him better then anyone else. It's like my brain is convincing me he is a different person even though i know thats false. please help me please

[LuvSun]

This is a classic example of how the OCD mind attacks the things we cherish the most. You obviously love your boyfriend so much- try not to let your OCD mind take any of that away. I know it’s not easy but you have to just ignore all those pesky thoughts that keep popping up in your mind. Enjoy your relationship!

[juliaaappp in reply to LuvSun]

thank you so much

[80_Zil_ian]

That’s all OCD, unfortunately. When you start to learn how to deal with one form, it changes to another. I’ve already had religious OCD (and I’m a God-fearing person) and harm OCD — all aspects I learned to deal with over the years. Now, I have a milder form but also more resistant, which is real-life event OCD. What I’m trying to say is that it’s very hard to get rid of OCD. Medication works for me, but I always fight not to be on it for too many years because the side effects exist and are a real pain in the neck.

What you describe is something I believe is the same transformation — OCD finds other objects of obsession. With all these years, the advice I can give you is: never, ever let OCD stop your life. If life is hard with OCD, life with OCD but no real life is even harder.

Twenty years ago, I attended a group therapy program in person at a university program in my country, and I learned some very sad cases of people who let their obsessions become compulsions so severe and time-consuming that they couldn’t have a life anymore and lost everything.

The advice: Live.

[juliaaappp in reply to 80_Zil_ian]

thank you so much for the advice, i totally agree and it already is time consuming and effecting studies so i am going to work on it.

[Natureloverpeace]

Long-term recovery doesn’t happen without accepting uncertainty and realizing that you are capable of managing whatever occurs in your life, even the painful and challenging stuff. We with OCD already accept uncertainty in most areas of our lives but can get stuck when it comes to the areas that we value the most. We can end up feeling extreme distress if we don’t have certainty and do mental and/or physical compulsions to relieve the distress. The OCD cycle takes hold because we feel temporary relief from the compulsions but the compulsions reinforce the obsessions. Chasing certainty creates even more doubt. We don’t get the relief we think and feel we have to have because it’s dependent on having certainty but certainty doesn’t exist. Trust and confidence don’t require certainty.

[FirstResponder23]

hello,

I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with ocd being loud right now. I am also going though a loud period. First piece of advise I can share is that ocd is constantly looking for something to latch onto. I had the same feelings as you when I first got through my ocd. I thought that was okay and wouldn’t experience it again. It took me some time, but I came to accept that I will always have ocd and it’s a journey, not a destination. I have heard this a few times in different books, podcasts, etc.

Now I understood that concept, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get upset and frustrated with it. And that is something I have to continue to work on in my life as I grow in this journey. Because like you said, I too wish so much it would just not come back. But I also learned that this is a compulsion. Wishing just keeps ocd stuck. I am still learning like I said, but being able to accept the fact that ocd is louder right now and continue moving forward is a big step.

As for your fears, we must remember that ocd also disguises itself and is sneaky. It makes these things feel real. And it wants us to ruminate and try to think back for certainty. This biggest goal is to not give it the satisfaction of looking for that certainty. Instead, letting the thought be a thought. Don’t give it power by giving it emotion and trying to “figure it out.” Instead label it as a thought, and it’s not something you need to solve. This takes away ocds power. It’s not easy. And takes many repetitions (for me at least) but eventually ocd starts to quiet down.

This doesn’t mean it won’t cycle back around or try something new. Because that’s what it does. When it does, you catch it right away and you remind it that you aren’t looking to solve that problem. Over time, this decreases our anxiety and we are eventually able to, when the thought comes in, brush it off and quickly focus on something else.

[OCDgone]

OCD is like a chameleon, it changes color depending on the environment he is in. OCD will transform itself and exhibit new patterns. It is still OCD nonetheless. Don't pay attention to the topic itself (harm, relationship, existential), it's all the same underneath, just with different flavors. I think it may be helpful to rephrase "I need" with " my ocd tells me to". Give it a try and notice how it weakens the intensity of the power a bit.

[Lauragbr]

The first thing I would tell you is that the “ theme” of OCD doesn’t matter. This when you say you “got over” whatever and now have a new obsession the important thing to remember is that it’s all OCD no matter what the theme and you treat it all the same. In other words do not give it any value. It’s easy to say and difficult to do. But the more you try and figure out, understand and so on the stronger the beast that is OCD becomes. I’ve been there as have everyone else in these boards.