can anyone anyone relate?

[SCC1]

(I'm sorry for the bad punctuation, etc but my phone is acting up every time I type something. )

After reading many posts, I realized that I suffer from so many of the same things others do. Is it possible to have that many OCD symptoms where almost everything affects me as discussed by others? !

I have episodes where I have to cancel a thought or do a behavior AS im doing something, like petting my cat for example. If I have a bad thought right at the moment Im petting him, I have to pet him differently like go a different direction or move my hand a certain way on his fur to stop the thought from happening. It's this way for a lot of things. It's worse in the morning, I think, because my nighttime meds have worn off. IT IS TORTURE!!

When I'm angry at something or someone, I start talking to myself about that person or situation and can't stop saying the same things over and over. I don't realize how much I'm repeating myself til after a while, though.

I also have thoughts about God, that He will make the bad stuff happen to others if I don't get a compulsion or thought right (for him). Like he's demanding I do it and if I dont or can't he will punish me by making something bad (death/other, happen to others I care about. But it's not just toward people I care about .It could be someone on the street walking by or driving.

It's not always for him ,, but a lot of the time it is.I have schizoaffective disorder, too, as some of you might've read with my previous posts. This could be the reason for the God thoughts ??

Also , do any of you have to do a compulsion such as move a body part like fingers or arms or breathe a certain way or other similar things to void your thoughts even if they're not all bad? That you just feel uncomfortable with? I do so many odd behaviors and mental compulsions ,1 right after another, and different ones even in the same episode. I hide them very well and no one can tell I'm doing them. Is all this regular OCD and if yes , would it be considered severe or just "normal" OCD?

[MothFir]

Those all sound like OCD thought patterns and behaviors, and I have experienced many of them myself. Are you seeing an OCD therapist?

I think the severity depends on how much the OCD disrupts your life. If you can hide the symptoms from other people, but they still torture you all day every day, then it is severe for you, and you could really benefit from therapy.

I have made a lot of progress over the last couple years by doing OCD therapy. I'd had OCD for decades but only lately had it taken a form that I couldn't hide very well. Once I started addressing that issue I realized how miserable OCD had made me for much of my life. Even though I could always function, I had spent so much time ruminating and worrying about ridiculous fears that I hadn't enjoyed life like a "normal" person.

[SCC1 in reply to MothFir]

Yes, I am seeing a therapist, but she is not specifically an OCD therapist. She knows a lot about it though. She had suggested I do CBT w/ her, and I tried, but my OCD/intrusive thoughts are so strong, that I couldn't do it for long. I only lasted a few days. So after a little time had passed, (a few weeks), we talked about doing it again. And I was ok for another 3 days. When I get initial help for an illness-related issue, it is easier for me to work on. But after a couple of days, that help "wears off", and I'm back to square one. I am going to ask her about doing CBT again, and really, really try. I don't know why I have such a hard time w/ it. Sometimes I feel like I need her or someone else who may help, physically, right by my side, to step in when I'm having such a hard time. Thank you for writing back to me. I really feel welcome in this group. 😊

[LuvSun]

Hi SCC1!I wanted to let you know that I share the same crazy thought about GOD and that if I don’t do or say something somehow GOD will punish me in some way. I don’t really truly think that GOD would do this but it is constantly been my battle with OCD. The fear of causing harm to someone else is so strong that it just creeps into every scenario. Deep down I know it’s the OCD but like you I’m always afraid of the risk of something happening in a negative way that it’s always easier to give into the OCD demands. However I’ve really been trying to challenge these thoughts lately- just wanted to say that you are not alone. I truly believe in a loving GOD and get mad at myself for thinking otherwise but it’s always there.

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

Hi LuvSun. How do you challenge your thoughts about god? I feel like he's against me in every way. I believe that he has hated me for a very long time. The thoughts I have about him are so real and strong, it feels like that's the only way I can look at my situation. How do I know if my beliefs are true or if god really does have it in for me? I know this is a question no one may have a direct answer to, but how do you get thru it? I had never considered before, that this could be a symptom of OCD. Thank you!

[LuvSun]

I think it is definitely related to OCD!! I don’t believe that GOD is capable of hating anyone, and is definitely not out to get you in any way. Not sure of your religious beliefs but I believe GOD loves all of us no matter what and only wants the best for us. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way but it is all meant in a loving way. I just have to keep telling myself this every time I have a thought that GOD is out to punish me. It’s actually the OCD voice that is out to punish and go against us. This faith keeps me going . I hope you can understand this.

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

Thank you. I don't have any religious beliefs, since I had pretty much always believed god was against me. That made me think he was "bad" and that he didn't care and other things. As a result, my thoughts became so negative against him, that now, even if he is a loving god, I can't see or believe it. Although, occasionally, I do get a glimpse that he is not being hateful toward me. At those times (which only last for seconds), I get a pleasant feeling about him and that maybe he really does care about me. But then the thoughts start again and they outweigh the little good I had just felt, and make me think what I originally thought. They are just too strong and too real! If god is truly not against me, I wish I could see that. Its really a sad situation.

[LuvSun in reply to SCC1]

Why may I ask do you think GOD is against you?

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

I don't think I have a specific reason that caused me to feel this way. I've had issues w/ thinking he is controlling me and my thoughts and everything about me. I know this is due to my other illness. Everything started when I was about 15 yrs old. I believed he was giving me msgs and then things just kept getting worse throughout the yrs. More issues all the time w/ him. There are so many issues I have w/ god. But very complicated situation told very short, I have come to believe and feel like god is literally evil and hates me so much. This stuff, I was hoping was the schizoaffective disorder, and have been told that by therapists, but that illness is so powerful, it is impossible to think its just that disorder causing my problems w/ him. I don't mean to offend you/anyone, but since you wanted to know why I thought this way, I had to explain some of why I feel the way I do. This is not even a fraction of my problem w/ him. I know this god problem I have is maybe not the proper thing to talk about in the group, but it has so much to do w/ my OCD. I'm sorry.

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

I had always thought that since he's on my mind in a bad way so much of the time, that he was purposefully "torturing" me (tbh). But now im thinking and hoping its just the OCD. I really appreciate that you are talking about this w/ me. But I totally understand if that ends w/ this subject matter, b/c its a touchy subject (god) w/ people. I hope to still be in touch w/ you though for anything you would like to talk about. 💛

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

Im sorry, but I forgot to add that I will be trying to think of this all, like it is my OCD voice. Thank you for your insight!

[LuvSun]

I am glad that you opened up about your thoughts about GOD. I too, hesitated to bring up the topic on this forum but when I read your post I just felt a connection with you even though I don’t feel the same way about GOD being “evil or bad”. As I mentioned I feel quite the opposite that he is not capable of evil or hate in any form. I’m so sorry you have felt this way for so long . I hope you can come to the realization that GOD loves all of us and is forgiving. I truly hope you can understand that just like in my case my obsession with GOD being demanding of things and punishing me is the OCD. I am happy to discuss this topic with you. Also, I can also relate to you having difficulty with the behavior therapy. I too have seen a therapist but find doing the exposures very hard on my own. I hope you can find the peace you need .

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

Thank you for your understanding msg. I am going to try to look at my situation differently, to try to think it is the OCD.

Note: I feel like my mind has literally, already been damaged by my intense thoughts about god. I don't know if my mind/brain can be repaired on this subject, b/c it has already been rewired to think the way I do now. Is it even possible or necessary, NOW, to change my thinking? (Just asking your opinion). Because I feel like I am beyond messed up from this, even if it is caused from my other illness; It has really affected my thoughts about him.But like I said, I will keep in mind what you said...that it is from the OCD. Maybe if I start thinking that way, I can feel differently. Maybe I can get out of this mindset I'm in. I guess I'll find out! But, really, I do have hope that the god stuff really is repairable and I can see it for what it really may be...the OCD.

I won't keep going on and on about this. I don't mean to be annoying or seem like I'm not hearing what you're saying to me, because I am. You have given me something to think about and I am very grateful.😊

You have taken the time to help me, and I have gotten more insight from you than anyone else I've talked to (therapists, doctors). 💛

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

Quick question. How do you know something is from OCD in general, and not something real? (I know it's late, and I don't expect a reply from you now.) You are more knowledgeable than I, on OCD, b/c I have trouble discerning things. I know what I go through, but can't figure it out like you do. No hurry on a reply (if you don't mind giving me one.)

[madame-souris]

The thoughts you describe sound like classic OCD to me. There's even a word for god-based OCD, "scrupulosity". It might help you to look it up and read a bit about it. It's not uncommon at all for people with OCD to harbor thoughts that god, or some entity is controlling them because of the intensity of our obsessions and compulsions and the nature of our rule-focused delusions, the paranoia, and the fact that so many of our fears are based on the idea that we will do something "bad". People sometimes think they're demon possesed or that god hates them but it's just the result of our overactive brains and the fact that our minds are damaged in some parts that prevent thoughts from cycling over and over and over, unlike normal brains that think something and just let that thought go. OCD grabs onto ideas and won't let go. We aren't our thoughts, though, and it's okay to let them go, even if it's really scary to do so. The thoughts may feel oppressive, or frightening, or like something is judging us, but really, it's just us. We do it to ourselves. Whether or not you believe in a god, or the universe, or the dog next door, it's just connections our brain makes that aren't really there. It's superstitious thinking. There are some good books written by people who have OCD that I really enjoyed. I feel like reading their memoirs helps me understand how similar our OCD thoughts really are, and help me recognize those thoughts when they creep up on me. Maybe something similar would help you. Good luck and I apologize if I'm not explaining things well, it's kind of late and I really need to go to bed.

[SCC1 in reply to madame-souris]

No, you explained everything really well. I need to research the sources people are suggesting to me. I thank you for your comments. All are helpful to me.

[LuvSun]

I think the reply from madame-souris explains the way OCD works in our brain very well. You CAN change your thoughts and I hope you do. One book, in particular, I recommend is “Brain Lock” by Jeffery Swartz. He explains how you can rewire your brain. Please don’t think you can’t. So many other excellent books on OCD have been written over the years and have really helped me to better understand why we are having these thoughts. I urge you to do as much reading as you can. We with OCD are good people who are just tormented with thoughts that our brains are not processing normally. Please continue to reach out on this forum and we can all work through this together.

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

Hi LuvSun. When you said that "we are good people w/ OCD..." I felt relieved to hear that, b/c I do think I'm a good person. At the same time, though, I had believed that w/ all my bad thoughts, not just about god, but about other people, I was a horrible person. When I had said in a previous MSG to you, that sometimes I get a glimpse that god is not out to get me (or something like that), that could be b/c he really is being good to me. That he knows my thoughts are from OCD, even though I hadn't, and is not holding them against me like I thought he had been. If I were that bad of a person, I probably wouldn't feel like he's trying to come through to me w/ that good feeling I get from him. That would be great, if that's what's happening! Thank you all so much for helping me understand things better. Those who have responded to me, and those who have posted their own thoughts, have been so kind and informative. I can't thank you enough. I will be reaching out, and I hope to help someone else who might be struggling.

[LuvSun]

GOD knows your thoughts are from the OCD not your true self and that is why he loves you. I don’t know why some of us have this disorder but I truly think it’s possible we are too caring- that is why we worry constantly about hurting others, etc. I am so happy to hear that you may be beginning to accept this. I still struggle with these thoughts that I feel GOD is telling me to do or say something and if not followed there will be some kind of punishment from him. I get upset and ashamed that I feel these thoughts are from GOD and just try and keep telling myself that GOD is not like that- he only wants the best for all of us. It’s the &&@!! OCD that is to blame. You will be ok 🙂

[SCC1 in reply to LuvSun]

I think it is interesting that there are others who feel the same way I do, w/ the thoughts about god. I had always thought I was alone in his. That I was god's only victim, b/c the thoughts were so strong. I did not believe that there were others who could possibly be going through this. My thoughts are so "out there", I had really thought I was singled out by him. I'm also glad that you had come to the understanding that all these problems are from OCD. Even though it is hard to go through, at least we are aware that it's not from something "sinister."

[dutchgirl71]

This sounds very much like OCD. OCD grabs on to things that are very important to you and manipulates your thoughts! But you are not your ocd!! You are not a bad or evil person…OCD is very tricky and makes you think you are!! You do not have to engage with these thoughts! Easier said than done…I am still a work in progress. Look into the NOCD app…I have suffered for over 30 years and am finally beginning to make progress with my therapist on here. They have free initial consultation phone calls. Also look into YouTube videos with Ali Greymond…they are free and sooooo helpful!!

[SCC1 in reply to dutchgirl71]

Hi dutchgirl71. Thank you for your reply. I did check out NOCD, but prefer to do therapy in person. From what I'd read on their site, it is an online session ??. I am doing a little better, b/c I have more understanding b/c of this group. Of course, I am still having problems, but not as bad as I had been. Although, I am worried that I will go back to feeling how I had been, and soon. I am trying to think that god is not part of ME. It has been working, but I'm afraid that after a little time has passed, the positive that I'm experiencing now, is going to go away. I'm going to continue to refer to this forum for strength, though. 😊

[dutchgirl71]

It is very difficult to maintain the stamina to challenge OCD. I am working on that as well. I have contamination OCD so virtual session have been fantastic for me as I can actually work on triggers in my home…bit you need to do what is most comfortable for you. It helps me to help others as I have learned so much over the years….it also helps me to be accountable to practice what I preach! 😊. This is a process that takes time but recovery is possible.

[SCC1 in reply to dutchgirl71]

Yes, when I have a bad or intrusive thought, I refer back to what I've learned from people responding to me here. I try to just kind of "walk past" the urge to do a compulsion. It literally feels like im mentally skimming by the urge. I think it feels a little like me telling the OCD that, "You didn't get me this time"! I try not to think ahead of myself, that I will be successful every time I try to let a thought/compulsion go. I will take it as it comes. I have been successful more, lately, and try to recognize when my thoughts could be the result of the OCD. It is amazing how many thoughts are related to it. I hadn't realized how many thoughts I was having, were OCD. I just did the behaviors.