Tomorrow I get to see my therapist for the first time in two months and I am so excited! Normally I see her once a month but she was out of town and I wanted to test the waters and see if I could manage on my own. There have been some rough spots, but overall I think I have done pretty well.
Unfortunately, I have been having a lot of concerns lately with my breathing and after a few tests most signs are pointing to asthma. I now have an inhaler and medication to help and I know this is not the end of the world by any means, but having OCD makes even the simplest of things more difficult. I am also waiting for test results back to check for the possibility of an autoimmune disorder since blood work showed some inflammation slightly elevated from the normal range. So please put out some prayers and send them my way!
My point in sharing this is that it has been EXTREMELY difficult not to google about these things in the past week and I have given in multiple times but tonight I am staying strong. I am not allowing myself to search anything on the internet even though the urge to do so is worse than ever. I am also wanting to seek a lot of reassurance about OCD and false memories relating to harm since that is my major theme but I know if I do I will set myself back. I just want certainty so bad that I am not this horrible murderer OCD tells me I am and that other people struggle with the exact same thing. But I cannot feed the monster, even if I am uncertain about having OCD in the first place. (Seriously why does it have to attack everything?!)
Anyways, hoping to hear from some of you and what is going on in your lives — good or bad! Any recent successes? Also, please do not try to give me any reassurance about my false memories etc. I want to be able to continue to use this platform to connect but not in a negative way that would have me seeking certainty from others. Wishing you all the best! 💖
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MyOCD123
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I ended up staying home from work today due to back problems, but that is probably good for my project that I'm working on right now as well. This will give me two more days to do prep work and get ready for another try at things on Thursday. I know (absolutely know) that I am going to get triggered tomorrow and Wednesday as I work on my project, and Thursday as well. But I want this. This is my chance to show OCD that I can act against the anxiety, even if it feels impossible to do so.
Hi Selesnya - I know that you will be able to handle your project well. You just have to know that you can. It sounds like at work that employees are allowed to set your own daily schedules? I know at my job that I get so much more accomplished when my days are more structured & scheduled, with some goals in there. Those things keep pushing me through the day. I also pray at the beginning of each work day. I need God's help & favor to succeed.
Thanks for asking! My appointment was really difficult and required some tough work but it is all necessary for me to overcome this rough patch. We are addressing a really dark obsession that we have not done much work on before, but it has been controlling my life and I have to figure a way to get unstuck and untangle myself from it. I just want to feel ok again. I am hoping to get there and I am going to put in the work the next few weeks before I see my therapist again. I hope the rest of your week improves and you are able to perform to the best of your ability. Sending positive vibes your way!
Hi 123 - It's always great to hear from you. I'm sure your appointment went well today. I envy people who always seem self-assured about most things, while those of us with OCD struggle so much mentally & emotionally. It can get really exhausting. I am thankful for my Sertraline. It helps me maintain, that's for sure.
Hi Sunn-E! I am definitely exhausted and down right now but I am hoping to get back into a positive head space. I also take Sertraline and have been on it for many years and it is definitely a big help. Hope all is well with you.
Hi again 123 - I am VERY proud of you for resisting your compulsions. You are so strong!
Googling is my worst compulsion. And I even force myself to do it in even numbers (an even number of searches), so that makes it even worse. Congrats on resisting!
Thank you! This process is one step forward two steps back but I have been doing really well lately. I hope you are able to stop the googling. I know how hard that one can be! Even if you can delay for a few minutes or hours that is a success! The more you feed the OCD monster through compulsions the bigger and uglier it will get. You can do this, I believe in you!
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