Long story short, I’ve had depression including self harm for approximately 10 years, and been purging on and off for around 4. Last year in May I got so low that my friend managed to persuade me to go to the doctor.
At the time my purging wasn’t particularly prominent; I was referred to the mental health services, prescribed sertraline and placed on a waiting list for CBT. Fast forward to last month, I finally got an appointment for therapy. However, recently due to a few reasons, my purging has become daily, and after two initial assessments, the therapist decided that I needed to see an eating disorder specialist.
I agree that this was the right decision, but unfortunately it’s not possible to be under 2 departments at the same time, so despite still needing help for my depression this has to take priority. I was assessed last week, and again put on a waiting list for bulimia therapy. No official diagnoses atm but it is most likely I have purging disorder, as I don’t binge, I just restrict food, over exercise and vomit.
The wait time at the moment is 4-6 months, which really got to me as I feel very low with this right now. So I did some research and decided to do everything I could to help myself, even if it would be difficult.
My behaviours all stem from a desperate need to lose weight, so I decided to start the NHS weight loss plan and try and do it a safe/healthy way. For two days I was incredibly proud of myself - I ate two reasonable meals, exercised a normal amount, allowed myself some sweet treats and still maintained a calorie deficit. Today was the third day and was going well, until I decided to eat some jelly beans. This was the first food I haven’t weighed/recorded and I felt so guilty and awful that I had to purge. It was gross as ever, I god bad acid reflux and I feel like I’m back to square one. As much as I want to carry on trying to be sensible and safe I’m terrified that in the past two days I’ve eaten way too much food.
Sorry this is so long, I don’t expect any replies, this isn’t an easy problem to solve. I just needed to vent