Hi, I'm Lullee
Hope today finds you all good.
This is my 1st time on forums I have lived my whole life In 'A Closet'
A long time I'm approaching 50 years of age.
Since very early childhood I have suffered with mental health issues PTSD, ADD, OCD, PSYCHOTIC EPISODES, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, SELF LOATHING, PHOBIAS & the rest (also physical health issues)
Being a victim of physical, mental & sexual abuse as a very small child then it being swept under a carpet & forbidden to speak of it ever (In my heritage in 70s this is what they did) & being taken & raised by family trying to give you lots of love hoping that you will forget or your abusers telling you that you will be taken away & locked up & get worse if you ever speak!
As a small child having people talking to you, the whispering, the touching you, scaring you but nobody else sees them? "The man last night was sitting in the chair talking to me" etc. Spiders, snakes, suffocation, being locked in rooms, the voices etc.
"Oh you must never tell anybody, they'll lock you up in the madhouse or prison, they'll think you're a witch, they won't understand" (In Spanish)
So that's what I did for over 40 years, apart from psychiatrists/CPNs because I knew they wouldn't tell anybody.
I suffered in silence never letting anybody know, never being able to keep any form of relationships because as I use to say the devil rides with me & I was afraid to sleep, the dark, people (I would see them differently) places etc. It's as real as it gets. Attempting to take my life numerous times (this is not the answer) worrying that my 2 daughters, my 4 grandchildren will be like me, not wanting to frighten them ever. Not wanting them to dislike me. My lonely secret life of fear, shame.
This year is different, I told my daughters everything about me, the abuse but they've always known about my mental health they said but because I love them more than life & given them so much love & care (something I never had) they said they got use to my episodes, how I am, who I am, my antics & it makes no difference to them because I have been the most loving caring supportive mum always.
I'm currently on 500mg Quetiapine, 60mg Citalopram & others.
I'm a good person, intelligent, high IQ, though if people found/find out it frightens them an optimologist was petrified of me when he found out & about my antipsychotics etc. Just sheer ignorance & judgemental I'm not Dexter the serial killer!
Many people are suffering, so many young people.
We live in an era that you can speak (unlike my era) SPEAK IT!!!
Don't live the lonely personal life I have lived.
SPEAK IT!
SHARE IT!
You are not alone!
There are many of us who have suffered over 40 years with experiences & knowledge, advice, help mechanisms.
After so long I'm finding my peace with who I am, what happens to me, what happened to me.
I am liberating myself & removing the shackles that have bound/gagged me.
Be yourself
Yourself to me
If you can't be yourself
Who else can you be.
Love yourselves.
Lullee x
Why am I depressed even though every in my life is good?
Don't know where I'm going, who I am or what my purpose is
Has anyone changed their whole support system? 
Am I the Only One?
