Help I am chickening out!!

[Lois1959]

Having read the blogs on here over the last few days my problem seems miniscule in comparison.

A couple of weeks ago I felt like I had come to the end of my road to be honest. I felt so down and depressed I felt I couldn't go on. I have been poorly with a horrible virus as well and am now on antibiotics. It seems silly but whilst I felt so ill the depression went slightly into the background (I mean slightly...never going to disappear).

The thing is I got so fed up of looking at (and talking to) 4 walls that I decided I needed to get out by myself as everyone else has their own plans and is too busy blah, blah...

I am supposed to be going to an opening of a film festival this evening which is being opened by a famous Oscar winning British Actor....but now I'm getting cold feet about going on my own...it's pathetic I know. I really want to go but being on my own absolutely terrifies me. I still don't feel at all well either which isn't helping; I'm now arguing with myself "if you don't go you'll regret it etc etc" but am I really brave enough to do it when my confidence is at rock bottom. As I said in a previous blog I have put a bit of weight on and my clothes don't seem to fit as they used to...so now my illogical mind is telling me that's a good enough reason not to go!!!

My sister and one of my friends know I've booked myself a place and I can hear it now if I don't go...."it's your own fault you're fed up...you had the opportunity to go out...". It's very easy for someone else to say when they never have to be on their own and would have company to the opening of an envelope...sorry I know that sounds flippant but that's how I feel.

[Jeffju]

I had to go out last night and felt anxious about doing so. I got around it by thinking, 'What's the worst that can happen?' and I will survive this and wake up the following day.... it's not going to kill me. I went and had a great night. You go and do the same.All the very best. P.S. I had been under the weather with a cold too. xx

[Lois1959 in reply to Jeffju]

Thank You for this; I have given myself the "don't be so ridiculous" talk and had decided I was going.....but my face is very swollen-I have a sinus infection and I honestly do look like a hamster. I look like I have a "gobstopper" sweet in my mouth and it is mega painful and I do still feel ill.....not good if going out alone.

Am going to see how I feel after taking some more painkillers; I have to make my mind up one way or the other as the event was oversubscribed and it would be unfair of me not to turn up without letting the necessary organiser know as there are people waiting for a space-I wouldn't be very happy.

[Gambit62]

Really hope that you do manage to get out.

Sinus infection sounds horrible.

Know its difficult but try to not to worry about what other people will think or do. We all have 'reactions' but in general most of us want other people to be 'happy' - sorry can't think of a more appropriate word - and we have our images of what that means and they can be totally wrong sometimes and when they are we need help recognising that ... probably makes no sense whatsoever ... hey, ho.

Viruses have a nasty habbit of accentuating negative moods so you may be stuck with a bit of that.

And sometimes it is the really silly little things in life that just stress us out completely.

[Lois1959 in reply to Gambit62]

Thanks for your reply. Yes sinus infections are horrid; I am prone to them but haven't had one for ages....the pain in the side of my face is nearly too much to bear! It's also affecting my eye as well; I don't just feel run down, I feel run over. I am half way through my course of antibiotics...just have this feeling I will be going back to GP (again) for another lot.

I have already sent my apologies for this evening-I know it's just not going to go away and I would sit there feeling ill and worrying I was on my own. It's a pity because this is the one thing that has kept me going this week to be honest....something to look forward to at last!

You are right of course; it doesn't matter what other people think, I think that's part of the depressive state-paranoia..doesn't stop me from being angry with my physical self for being too ill to attend though!

[Gambit62 in reply to Lois1959]

Hope trip to GP is fruitful.

Good that you have given someone else the chance to go and you should be slapping yourself on the back for that bit of philanthropy.

You are doing the things you can do.

Just need to be a bit more understanding with yourself about the things you can't do ... and not being ill is one of those ... unless you caught the sinus infection deliberately ...

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry you are unwell, specially with sinus problems as they are really debilitating.

I think you are brave going on your own whether ill or not! I identify with your comment about not wanting to go on your own - there are things I'd love to go to but don't feel comfortable going on my own - there's the coming out at the end and making my way home on my own which I no longer feel comfortable with as I get older although I used to wander everywhere with no worries. Then there's sitting feeling lonely and noticing most people have someone with them, perhaps I shouldn't look. And then there's the feeling of no-one to share the experience with which reinforces the feeling of loneliness. I think we're silly really because not everyone has someone with them and even if they do it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us for not.

I hope you feel better with the painkillers and do feel able to go if YOU want to - but I wouldn't worry about letting people down when you are unwell! You are entitled to be sick like veryone else. As for your sister and others knowing, if they are really so judgemental then their opinions really shouldn't matter. If you feel unwell and not up to going then don't go! Take care of YOU.

Suexx

[Lois1959 in reply to Hidden]

Hello Sue,

You are spot on. I can't help being unwell and shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone but feel I should. The logical bit of my brain states the obvious that everyone is poorly at some time or another. Even my son has said see how you feel later on! (He's only 17 Bless Him!) I had to cancel though as it wouldn't be fair to leave it until the last minute and derive somone else of the opportunity; I am cross because my body has let me down instead of my brain for once.

[Hidden in reply to Lois1959]

Hi Lois

I'm really glad you had the good sense to cancel. I do hope you feel better soon. Stop beating yourself up about it!!

Suexx

[Photogeek in reply to Lois1959]

Hi Lois,

Hope you are feeling better, dont worry about not going, If you are ill going out is the last thing you want to do. Accept that you are now making an effort to go out and about, so you were ill, that is not a crime. Do not pay any heed to what others think or say, make this all about you " What do I want to do"

Take the pressure off and look after yourself, I can identify with not feeling good about yourself too. I had to go out last week and tried on a few outfits, and when I looked in the mirror, they all looked awful, Things I liked on me a few weeks made me look like Shrek, even though I am petite,When we are depressed our percecption gets.skewed to negative. If you are overweight, you can still look good, my last boss was a very big lady, and she always looked great, she had good makeup and nails done, and nice hair, so please dont be down on yourself, no one is perfect and people know that the outside is fairly superficial.

Take care and just relax and mind yourself.

Hannah x

[SueBeeSue]

Hi Lois,

Sorry to hear you are feeling ill. I had something similar a few months ago but it was the weather that let me down, rather than health.

I worked myself up to going out - you know, did the pros and cons, asked myself what's the worst that could happen, devised a back out plan or two if things got too much. Then made my decision - I'll go.

Then the weather turned dreadful and the snow stopped me from going. I think I was more annoyed at the wasted effort and stress involved in choosing whether to go or not, than missing the event itself. As you say, things come along to stop us in our tracks sometimes, but there's always other opportunities.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sue xx

[Jeffju]

Sorry about your sinuses, I know they can be very painful Hope you are feeling better soon and have another opportunity to get out and enjoy yourself. Wishing you well soon. xx

[Suzie40]

I make plans and cancel them all the time. Funny how you mention the reaction you expect fom your sister. What my sisters will say / think about me is always at the forefront of my mind. Thanks for your kind words on my blog by the way. Lots of people care. Now and again I come across folk who care AND understand. Thank you x