Wife has endless despair

My wife can't see a future with anything. She's suffered from depression for five years now and it's torn our relationship apart. We aren't even friends anymore. She requires help from a mental health professional, however despite our family and friends begging her she won't. She has withdrawn from society and from her family. She has even stop taking her medication that helps her. She suffered from a sad bereavement five years ago and has never been the same. Despite me being nothing but supportive we've became toxic to each other.

She can't accept our life together anymore, and if she wants it to end I'll have to accept it. But it's her depression as the route cause of troubles.

I've try my best but my words no longer have any meaning to her. If my presence is making her worse, I'll have to reluctantly separate because I love her and want her to become well again......irrespective if I'm in her life or not

21 Replies

  • Dependent on Her condition if it is all to do with a death five years ago it is important that She can grieve and talk to someone who understands Her loss, in other words She needs to spit out the loss to someone who had a close relationship to the deceased and put the loss into some form of context. For example if She has a Brother they both have experiences good and bad of that relative, She will talk out this loss and move on.

    If She has had CBT in the past the problem there could be the CPN does not know the person and cannot really relate to the Patient as your Wife MAY have withheld a great deal of the actual dynamic of that relationship.

    I am not a Mental Health Professional although I went through something same in past in my own family.

    Time periods do not really come in play here a normal intense grieving can last upward of two years although the grief period in many occasions can go on for longer


  • Thanks for the reply bob, I'm at a loss to see how we'll continue together as we've lost all closeness. As crazy as it sounds I can't help her if she doesn't want help herself. She'll not entertain the idea of councelling or CBT. Sadly I don't think I'm a positive influence on her anymore. She looks at me with contempt and has become withdrawn and spends long periods away from anyone. Hand on heart I've tried.......suppose some things aren't meant to last 😕

  • I really feel for you both and I have gone through this sort of thing many times over the years, all I can really say. The way forward if you could become whole once more would be talking to your In Laws, that is where any real help could come from.

    Good Luck on whatever is decided, I am here for support if needed


  • Thank you Bob

  • Keep going with her. She is a totally different person while depressed and most likely finds it hard to show emotion. At the moment she does not think that anyone or anything can help her

  • Very very true

  • Hang in there. You haven't split in those 5 years. She probably wants to make it work and feel better, but doesn't know how. Ending your relationship would actually be another loss for her to grieve. Until she can reach out for help, take care of yourself. We are here for you both. It's so hard to deal with someone else's pain when it's causing you pain. Keep yourself as mentally/emotionally healthy as possible.

  • Thank you whitealice

    Oddly I think it's usually around Christmas time when she feels lowest.

    I've got to finally get to the root cause of this for her/us.

    Mainly for her as she's got to have life fulfilling

    Thanks for your kind words

  • Not only has your wife lost a loved one she has also lost herself ,possibly you also

    This is such a tragic situation for all concerned

    Understand she is pushing you away because of her illness

    Pity she could not have some time away from the home where she could have

    professional help

    Think she would be much worse if you weren't there,

    I had situation with my daughter who was devastated after

    miscarriage ,many years ago

    I put Bach Flower remedy, 'Star of Bethlehem ' into every drink she had

    This is the remedy for bereavement and shock

    Within a month she was ok again

    I only told her when she was well

    She said she was very grateful I didn't ask her as she would have refused it

    Ethically i think you should always ask beforehand but maybe there is a time for

    exception to the rule.

    Wish you the hope and strength to cope with this situation

  • Thank you Jenny,

    That's very true I think she'd be worse off if we split, I've just got to find the strength to help her.

    Sorry for your daughter's loss too


  • Could your Dr visit your home or another professional to help your wife?

    If someone visited instead of her going for help she may be more inclined to listen

    I hope 2017 is the year that everything changes for the better.

  • Good idea.I'm going to suggest that to her.......oddly to get an appointment at our gp's you've got to go through a telephone appointment first. If someone is despairing it's difficult for them to articulate themselves. So I might have a descrete conversation with the doctor. Surely as her husband they'll see I've got her best interests at heart

  • you know the situation better than any of us here. you have to think about your own life as well. if its not helping either of you then you must do whats right for you. when you do whats right for yourself it is usually the best thing for the other person too. we can only change ourself and cant change other people. when we change, they usually do too. love grace xoxo 🙏

  • Thank you Grace,

    It's weird I dedicated so much time in helping her I've forgotten about helping myself! It's true what people say that mental health problems can impart on those close.

    Thank you for your help

  • So many kind comments and love and advice. It should give us all comfort there's so much good in the world despite despair, fear and sadness being the prevailing emotions in modern society.

    Thank you all for the advice

  • There is nothing more painful than love being torn apart , I do hope you get help

  • Cheers, I'm never giving up!

    I'm feeling the love from here......it's helping me along

  • Dont let the evil monster that is depression ruin your lives, you may not think so now but you can beat it. There is no Hell. There is Heaven and Depression xxxxxxxx

  • You know up till this experience I've never witnessed depression first hand. It's a truly awful disease because as you say it's a living hell. It's taken a toll on me too even those I feel like an innocent by-stander!

    Thanks for the advice

  • Yes my depression has taken such a toll on my loved ones, this and my depression related drinking has caused a chicken and egg situation making my depression much worse and giving me deep shame. They tell me I am not a bad person, but it is hard to see xxxxx

  • Well everyone thanks for all the advice.........sincerely I appreciate it, there's so many good people....My heartfelt thank you to each of you

    But sadly I don't think I can help my wife. She won't help herself. Our lives has became miserable, her despair and depression is affecting me now. I'm no quitter but this is insurmountable. It will never change.

    I've also got to start thinking of myself again. I think it's time we sell our home and separate. It's horrible to say but I can't help her anymore

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