I feel so small right now. I came home from work and took a shower. I went downstairs and ate dinner. I sat by the kitchen table watching my mom sort through bills and call people to argue about incorrect bills. As much as I love my family, I don’t want to be around them right now. What I want is to be under these blankets and to be warm and soft and away from everything. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be dead, but I just with I didn’t exist. It’s not for me. This world that I was put into just doesn’t match whatever rhythm I need I think. Everything is too much for me. Cars on the road, buildings, businesses, grocery stores, people, work hours, distance, schedules, facebook and snapchat…everything is too much. I want to wake up and not hate the world I am living in. I am so sad. Sam and I aren’t talking so much today and I know that it is my fault. Everything is my fault with him and I. I am so bad at having a boyfriend. I feel so guilty. I feel like I am not a good girlfriend, I feel like an awful daughter, granddaughter and sister. I feel like I am weak when it comes to trying to help myself because I hate myself so much. I don’t mean to be mean to myself but I can’t stop it. I can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I feel like I don’t deserve having anybody care about me. I look down at my body wrapped in soft pants and a robe and I feel comforted by it. It’s only when I am freshly showered and in fuzzy clothing where I feel comfortable. But my body feels slow and weak. It looks pathetic. I wonder how it feels to love yourself, look into the mirror and smile because you are who you are. I don’t listen to music anymore. I stopped doing yoga. I barely make it through the work day without breaking down at least once. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday and he recommended me to see a psychiatrist next Monday so I can have some medical treatment aka medication. I don’t know if my depression is causing anxiety, or if it’s anxiety that’s feeding the depression. Everyday is a huge mountain I am always surprised I made over.