Am I the Only One?

I feel so small right now. I came home from work and took a shower. I went downstairs and ate dinner. I sat by the kitchen table watching my mom sort through bills and call people to argue about incorrect bills. As much as I love my family, I don’t want to be around them right now. What I want is to be under these blankets and to be warm and soft and away from everything. I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be dead, but I just with I didn’t exist. It’s not for me. This world that I was put into just doesn’t match whatever rhythm I need I think. Everything is too much for me. Cars on the road, buildings, businesses, grocery stores, people, work hours, distance, schedules, facebook and snapchat…everything is too much. I want to wake up and not hate the world I am living in. I am so sad. Sam and I aren’t talking so much today and I know that it is my fault. Everything is my fault with him and I. I am so bad at having a boyfriend. I feel so guilty. I feel like I am not a good girlfriend, I feel like an awful daughter, granddaughter and sister. I feel like I am weak when it comes to trying to help myself because I hate myself so much. I don’t mean to be mean to myself but I can’t stop it. I can’t stop crying. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I feel like I don’t deserve having anybody care about me. I look down at my body wrapped in soft pants and a robe and I feel comforted by it. It’s only when I am freshly showered and in fuzzy clothing where I feel comfortable. But my body feels slow and weak. It looks pathetic. I wonder how it feels to love yourself, look into the mirror and smile because you are who you are. I don’t listen to music anymore. I stopped doing yoga. I barely make it through the work day without breaking down at least once. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday and he recommended me to see a psychiatrist next Monday so I can have some medical treatment aka medication. I don’t know if my depression is causing anxiety, or if it’s anxiety that’s feeding the depression. Everyday is a huge mountain I am always surprised I made over.

[Winniepooh1976]

Hi I too suffer/live with depression an anxiety I too find things hget too much. Please talk to someone you trust I have been on meds for seven years and get less bad days. Maybe you need to take anti depressants to help. Your not alone you can and will get well anxiety and depression sucks but a day at a time you can get through. Stay strong xxx

[Hidden in reply to Winniepooh1976]

Thank you I appreciate that. I am going to a doctor Monday - I feel so alone when I try to talk to other people about it because no one really understands, they just listen.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Pkulawiak,

Thank you for sharing - it's totally honest because I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, especially the mountain analogy.

Depression often has anxiety for a friend along for the ride. Your psychiatrist will work out which one should be the major diagnosis and then prescribe the appropriate medication. Taking the right medication will improve your mood and physical symptoms and best of all put you in a better place to participate in talking therapy.

Let us know how you go with the psych appointment

[Hidden in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you, I am so eager for my appointment this Monday to get onto a medication she thinks is going to help me. I can't wait to function as my old self.

[Hidden]

Keep surprising your self..Im exactly like you..I've detached myself from music, society people, Facebook and all that..The One thing i hate aswell and I struggle with is Hating myself aswel..I hate doing this to me..I am my own worst enemy..I don't want to be like this to myself but I just don't know why I'm like this..I don't hate others why myself?..I also feel as if I don't deserve anything..Im discusted in myself...i forgive myself to God..I ask for forgiveness everyday for being like this...I ask for my sins to be forgiven..do the same.. everyday..One piece of advice..don't go on the meds..it's a cop out in my opinion..My brain is messed up as it is I would hate to take pills to fuck it up even more..I've been battling this for a long time ..Im a fighter for a better me, I'm wiser, growing, I'm not giving away all this effort for a wonderful pill coz there's no such thing... you can do it and you are..be strong, take your time as time heals everything..get over another mountain and another..Just keep going, life wasn't meant to be easy..it's challenging it's a journey..you will get there but there's obstacles we have to overcome..by learning, strength, falling and getting up..your progressing in getting there..don't give up on yourself..

[sweetiepye in reply to Hidden]

You might want to edit your reply for suggesting not taking meds and use of the F word. Someone will be sure to turn you in and your reply will be deleted

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Why are you against getting help medication wise? Not being rude at all, I'm really just curious. I believe I am messed up in the head to compared to everyone else's brains. No one should feel the feeling we get. I know they can cause issues, but don't you think they saved some people's lives and allowed them to possibly function more like a regular person? And thank you. Reading this was enjoyable. I appreciate it all.

[Winniepooh1976 in reply to Hidden]

I had post natal depression after the birth of my last child if I had not of gone on meds I would not be here FACT. I do not consider myself to be not strong intact I am stronger having experienced life's challenges. I lost my mum to alcoholism and had to identity her, my partner lost his job. In !y opinion you shouldn't see depression or taking antidepressants as anything but a necessity an aid to get well. If you broke your leg you would want pain meds why are brains any different?