I have lost interest in my life.I am in depression. i have no control on my action.i want peace of mind

i was mentally disturbed in my past when some people took control over my life.when i was in problem i tried to work and forget my pain started getting verbal abusive problem in office went to psychiatrist to recover.tried to ignore and continue working later got married so that i can be safe from everything.shifted to new city here also the same problem continued.i am not treated normally by any one.people try to make rumors about me and laugh at me.i searched for job and tried to keep my self in some work still same problem continue.i had taken psychiatric treatment before when i went back to her she behaved in a way to hurt me instead for doing counselling i just wanted her to understand my pain but don't know why she reacted like that.there where some mistakes done by me in past by others influence or by force.i had shared things with my friends and recently with husband.when few things happen in your life because of trusting people and when you don't have any bad intention still we will be accused for it.my husband don't love or trust me even though he knows i am not bad and not done any major mistakes.i have no private life, things i share with my husband are not kept secrete have no idea how its going out.i want him to be happy don't know what i can do for it.when i had forgot my past and living happily people tried to remember the past which made me react badly and give a escaping answer.i will speak out of box when i am in anger but there will not be anything wrong in my heart.i don't know what will happen in my future when the person you love don't have trust in you.i am not approaching people to solve my problem i want suggestion since my knowledge was limited.people think i do act, but i don't, i may lie a bit or hide the things but i don't know to act.i failed in each and every stage of my life.now i am alone in this world for believing and trusting people.i need peace of mind my mind is moving towards spirituality.but getting disturbed by external things.

[Stilltrying_]

Hello Manas,

A warm welcome.

From what I can understand from what you have written,

It sounds like you have had a few problems and this may have affected your behaviour in the past. But you have done your best to get well in seeking psychiatric help and have also hoped that marrying and moving to another city would help but then your problems seem to follow you and continue? Am i right? Also that sometimes people not really understanding your pychiatric problems have viewed your behaviour to be a little unusual and they have bullied you or misjudged you because of this? I think you are saying that though you get angry sometimes it is only when people remind you of things from the past when you were ill and that you are not a bad person at all?

I am sorry if I don't understand properly. You say you are lonely and that you have failed in your life. It sounds like it has been difficult for you as people have not really understood you properly but you are a good person.

It sounds to me like you have a good heart and have had to struggle in life. I hope that writing on here can help you.

X

[Hidden]

I will tel about my self first i will try to cover the all the things if possible

i am from a family and relation circle who live a respect full life in society.i was brought up in my uncle house i was feeling lonely from child hood.i was brought up very strictly which had made me bit short tempered and scared of crowd.i was scared to speak when i am in public.i need some time to adjust with any person to speak heart fully.i was searching for friends who can understand me every one took advantage of me and started avoiding me.i had my cousin sister and brother who keep warning me about believing outsiders since they know i trust people blindly.but i dint listen since i want to get rid of my loneliness.all my friends are busy with their boyfriends.one of my friend made my mind to think about a guy,who told me directly that he had no such thought i left it forgot about getting life partner and living a normal life. got a friend whom i felt was in same condition as me.that person understood my innocence and behaved like he is a good person who is metal depressed because his past i believed and started speaking to him he tried to spoil my reputation made me addicted to phone and finally started avoiding me made me confused about our relation if its friendship or love saying different things each and every time.i don't wanted to trouble him took all his mistakes over my head and moved away since he started being verbally abusive and i still had a soft corner for him thinking he is mentally depressed because of problems he faced.got another person in my life who was my colleague in my life who proposed me for marriage, by that time i had lost interest in love marriage and relationships i told him clearly i will not marry.he said he want my friendship i said OK. mean while my friend started calling me i told him about this he asked me to accept since no one has proposed me till now.i was totally hurt by the way he replied.i dint accept i just continued his friendship but my old friend started behaving totally different he proposed me and asked me to stop speaking to the other guy.i felt strange just few days back who was abusive to me now telling he loves me i was not able to believe it.he started telling he dnt want to loose a good girl like me.i wanted to see how strong he is in his words coz he has changed his words many times.i dint had job that time i was discussing only the work related things with the other guy who had proposed me.but my friend started spreading bad about me in all my circle.every one started calling me and asking why are you doing like this.i was angry by that time and i started sharing everything with the guy who proposed me he made my to accept his proposal by force i told him many conditions for accepting but he took it in other way convinced me that i had accepted and said i cant say no again i was in a mental condition where i need a person who believes me.i was just silent i was looking only a friend and a helping heart in him.but i didn't understood it was a trap to misuse me.he created situation so that i lost all my friends relations and finally my career also.created lot of situation making me to listen to him. was scared and listened to him partially to escape from situation.later he referred me in a small company coz i want to lead my life forgetting everything.i tried to love him but i couldn't because for the things he did.

i had changed my self a lot i tried to be like others not sharing anything.but being foolish person some times i speak unnecessary things which are not real which has been told by some one to me.he finally said he cant marry me i had tried to convince him but he was not ready these things used to happen from both the sides.but suddenly my colleagues become verbally abusive indirectly speaking in back when i scolded a person who misbehaved .telling i am acting like a good girl having so much in back end.i spoke about my problem to my boss asked to relive me since i was feeling uncomfortable.he didn't accept.i left everything went to my native.this guy came back telling he will marry i had decided to end my life by that time.but wanted to get married before that.he came back to get married for name sake having a bad intention not ready to do registered marriage and asking me not sign in any paper. till now i believed him and faced so many problems now i understood why he wants to marry that to with out telling his parents.i rejected to marry him.people started laughing at me in public places.

went to psychiatrist took treatment.i left everything went back to office to get my exp letter he asked me to continue.i continued the job and informed about my treatment in the company gave all the details about psychiatrist.he started bothering me again with out telling me that he is getting married.i came to know about it i dint react.i got a marriage proposal i accepted it for my secured future.but he started flirting with me again.i was disturbed and thought to kill my self in a fear that i will cheat a person by marring him.i dint tell my husband anything for many reasons which my husband knows well.

i Changed my behavior, thoughts and got ready to face the truth.people had used social media to spread about me.even if at that time when i am getting a marriage proposal that means the guy who wants to marry me knows that my mistake is not there.left everything step by step but it was difficult to forget the past used to remember some times.accepted the guy whom i am getting married heart fully but not revealed it out side since people will make me weak again. after marriage i never thought about my past.when my old friend contacted me i shared few things and told him consult psychiatrist for his good future.but things went in other way and i stopped speaking to him.asked him sorry if i had hurt-ed him even though he had used vulgar words about me.still i started feeling guilty of my past sometimes i indirectly told my husband about past.when i shifted to new city i dint get the job even though some company gave the job they started mistreating me.making me to do the same work again and again.when i reacted they took the things personally and become verbally abusive.some person tried pushing my chair continuously and kicking it.blocked my files so that i cant continue my work my system was working not in my control.telling you will become more famous now.i left that job by mailing to hr about the things happened in brief.went there and explained them they gave knowledge transfer option but not ready to send mail on the same.i got mentally depressed by continuous torch-er from the company to pay huge amount for leaving with out notice my husband was supportive to me at that time.i felt like telling him everything i told him in brief.his behavior changed suddenly he took me back my old city and his native left me there and came back every body started treating me very badly except my parents.i went to meditation center the main person spoke well and asked me to take the coarse i informed my husband and when i went their for meditation some other lady made me to sit with some guys and spoke very bad.i had sex only with my husband but people speak like i am a bitch.i will get angry when some one speaks about me i will also speak out of box.i wanted to be with my husband for my mental support but people started speaking like i am not able control my physical need.actual i love him a lot he knows what i am exactly.but he will change continuously he thinks that i have not told complete truth i dint know how i should proceed with my life.i feel in secured.i fell like i am in hell.i had shared everything with one of my best friend who had cheated me by sharing to out side world it after marriage.i think my life is at risk now i dint have job, dint have money,have a legal notice in hand i am in place where i dint know any one other than my husband.i feel my marriage is also at risk. plz let me know what and all was my mistakes how i can proceed in my life.i am a normal human being i am not allowed to speak anything what ever i speak people say its bad.i have become silent from a long time.but still its a problem for everyone.i want to do some thing good but even though i am doing good no one believes me instead hurt me telling i am acting.i want know what is my mistake when my inner soul is pure and and my behavior of anger is due to my past experience.

[Stilltrying_]

Hello and thank you so much for sharing your story once again.

I think the situation is that you have tried to be honest about things and you have been judged badly for this and people have made up bad stories about you because they misunderstand how things happened for you. You did not have to tell everyone about your past but you did because you are an honest person. It also seems to me like you did nothing wrong in your past except for trusting another person and then them playing around with your head and your emotions and because you are a nice and kind person you have taken some of the blame on for yourself. There is such an emphasis on reputation and pride and some people have misunderstood what happened and think that somehow you were at fault for this and not the other person. They seem ready to judge you but you did not do anything wrong.

I think you should tell your husband how much you love him and say that you are and always have been faithful to him and you have never behaved in a bad way in the past; its just some people think that you did. . The same for any friends. Hold your head high, you are a good person.

People sometimes try to damage your reputation but you must not let them do this. You must now walk tall and stand up smart and don't let other people bully you. When they see you are strong they will stop their bullying and gossiping and just move onto someone else.

Gemmalouise x

[Hidden]

Hi

I agree with Gemma Louise, but you say you get very angry and I wonder if that pushes people away and leaves them thinking there is something wrong with you rather than understanding that you are responding to the way things that happen to you make you feel.

You could seek help with your anger? It can be good to FEEL anger in response to being hurt or put down but when we behave angrily often it does more harm than good. It may help you to talk with someone about what has happened to you in the past so that the feelings from those experiences do not continue to damage your relationships now - you could ask your GP to refer you for counselling which would support you and enable you to share your story with someone who can enable you to find productive ways of using your anger.

I do hope things ease for you, you have clearly had a difficult time and want things to change

Suex

[Hidden]

Hi Gemma, thanks for having so much patience to read my story.

thanks for the positive words.

My husband knows that i love him but he don't have trust in me since i changed my mind based on situations.

I am from a culture where people should have only one guy in there life even i belong to same kind of mentality.but things went out of my hand.people call me half boiled chicken. for them sex is not the only thing which matters all other things also important what ever reason it may be how ever it might have happen what ever the guy do,you should go behind him else you are a bitch.

This is happening only with me.i have no idea why do the people target me.

i was ready to adjust but just to manipulate me they did everything and to spoil my family name.i was not strong enough to take any decision.the decision i took my self was getting married now i feel that too went wrong.now they can torch-er me even better using my husband.i am scared to go out side alone.people unnecessarily try to touch and my husband feels nothing for it.even i tried to ignore thinking it might have happened by mistake.for this reason i thought of killing my self many times.i told my husband also he is asking me to beat them.but laughs when it happens in front of him.when i shared few things about past he said good family girls will not do like this.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

This is very very sad that you are feeling like this and I do feel very sorry for you in your situation. I do understand what you mean about people's ideas if they see you are appearing not to have just the one guy, that they will put the blame on you and discredit your families name. It sounds terrible that when you go out people are disrespecting you just because you shared some things that have happened in the past.

I wish that I could do more to help your situation. All I can say is try to stay strong in your own heart and know that you have not done anything wrong; I do not understand why your husband would laugh; that seems very cruel; I must admit I do not understand the culture completely but surely if your husband loves you will he not support you against this sort of thing? Has anyone else got any advice please from this culture as this is all I can think myself.

Could you try explaining to your husband that this is serious and that it affects you badly and you need him to support you with this and defend you from these people ?Maybe you could explain this to him that you do not find it funny and these things are hurtful to you.

Sorry if this is not of any real help; I am just trying to think what you could maybe do in this situation.

Gemma

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

At least you felt what is happening with me is not correct. You understood my pain that's more than enough for me.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Bless you manas. I will hope for you to have strength in this and that things get better for you x

[Hidden]

hi sue,

i have kept my anger in control from a long time.i react only when people cheat me or tries to cheat me.

now even i am not doing that even when people criticize me.

[sam130]

You said your last counseller did not help you, Im sure we cant all do well with the same people so why not try to go to your gp and ask to be referred to someone new, maybe to talking therapies? It sounds like it will help you to be able to talk to someone you just need to find the right person x

[Hidden]

My husband don't allow me to go to a doctor or any meditation classes.i went to meditation class by forcing him but when i went there things had changed that lady spoke very bad to me.when i told this to my husband he was laughing and telling i told you not to go..he says i am absolutely fine.

i spoke to him today about my problem.he is not ready to accept the things which happened in front of him.he says he didn't see it.but he was laughing that time.when some one dares to do it in front of him can any body imagine how bad my situation is.doing all these things they ask me to laugh and speak to the person who misbehave with me.which is highly difficult.

[Stilltrying_]

Well it sounds like a positive step to me that you spoke to your husband about it although once again he does not seem to be supporting you or not in any way that I can understand from reading your reply. I am not sure exactly what you mean all the time but I think you mean that men and women are trying to "show you up" by behaving in an inappropriate manner, sought of "teasing" you as though you are not a respectable woman? Please forgive me if I got that wrong. I have read your other post. It seems you are trying to sort these things out which is good; could it be you are very shy and sensitive person as this sort of thing is very intimidating if you are? Depression can make us extra sensitive to things so this could be making it even harder for you.

Whatever it is I think you need to try and find someone and convince them that these feelings are very serious feelings and should not be laughed at and that you need help with this situation. Thinking of you

[Hidden]

Thank you Gemma, i didn't read this since it was not coming in list.what you understood is correct. That's What is happening with me.Today i did some meditation no mind it bit clear mentally getting ready to face everything.I need to control my anger and blindly following others words which may fix some of my problems.