Hi guys - I am new on the site. Here's my story - well part of it!

Hi, I thought that I would introduce myself. My name is Ellen and I am 16 years old.

Some of you may skip this post because you'll think that I am too young to know about some of the problems in life. That I am not mature enough to be on this site.

You are wrong.

Yes I am a teenager but I am much more mature than what my years suggest. I have had to be.

I have self harmed for almost three years now so I know what it's like to struggle with addiction. I know how hard everyday life can be. The constant fear of parents finding out. Friends finding out. The reactions people have when they see your scars. I know. I have lived and I am still living through it.

Although my parents already know about my self harm I still feel the need to hide my scars from them. I am ashamed. Ashamed that I cannot stop. I will try and cover them up but the same question will always come out of my Mother's mouth: "Have you been cutting again?" - I hate that expression - cutting - it's a horrible expression. It makes people believe that the only form of self harm is "cutting" - that is wrong. There are many forms of self harm that people struggle with and each form is much different than the next.

My parents do know about my self harm - my school told them. I had started self harming when I was 12 years old. I was scared and I wasn't even aware of what I was doing. I didn't understand what was happening to me. That night I phoned my best friend - at the time - and I confided in her. She convinced me to tell my Father, who was away working. I told him. I don't remember what he said but he was upset - I don't really remember. The next day I told a woman who was student support at my school. I went home that night and something was wrong. My Mother started crying and wanting to know why - the school had phoned them. I ran upstairs to my room - ashamed of myself. My Father followed me and hugged me. He started crying. I vowed that day that I would never tell my parents anything again - in fear that they would be that upset again.

I became depressed so very depressed. Life continued like that for a while. The cold and emptiness feeling. The self harm. The continuous cycle of negativity. My friend had spread rumour amongst my friends about my self harm. I began to push people away. I didn't trust people with my secrets anymore.

I have suffered with depression for almost three years now. Depression isn't something you choose. Depression chooses you. It preys on your mind and sucks away every little bit of happiness in your life - until there is nothing left but numbness. You loose all feelings. You don't feel sad anymore because you adjust to the constant feeling of emptiness and hopelessness.

I have suffered with social anxiety and generalized anxiety for two years now. Living with the constant fear of going out with my friends. Of going to school. I used to make myself late for school - purposely. I believed that the later that I made myself - the less anxiety and fear I would have to endure. I was wrong. I was 13.

I would be late for school because I would want to avoid it - I was scared. I tried to tell people that something wasn't right. That I needed help. Nobody ever believed me.

My school would punish me for being late. First it was a break time detention (20 minutes). Then it was a lunchtime detention (40 minutes). Then it was a break and lunchtime detention (20 minutes and 40 minutes). Then it was an after school detention (60 minutes).

Then my school put me in isolation - (I spent all of my five lessons by myself in a small room; I would have a break time detention (20 minutes); a lunchtime detention (40 minutes); and an after school detention (60 minutes or sometimes 2 hours). My school was punishing me for having anxiety disorders.

On top of this - at home my Mother had grounded me and confiscated all of my electronics until I got into school on-time - which was 10 months later. I became even more depressed because of this. I couldn't see my friends at school because I was isolated. I couldn't call them at home because I wasn't allowed to.

Life continued this way for a while.

I have had an EDNOS - (self diagnosed) for over a year now.

My life has been a roller-coaster because of this. On October 8th 2014, I started restricting what I ate. First it was less than 800 calories. Then it became less than 500 calories. Then it became less than 300 calories. Some days I wouldn't eat at all. I became and I have become obsessed with loosing weight. Due to my disability I cannot do certain exercises but I do what I can. Currently I do 2 hours of exercise per day and - unfortunately - I am eating two, or sometimes three meals per day.

Sometimes life is easier and other times not so much. I have become with seeing my bones sticking out and when I eat I feel sick. I hate it. I feel disgusted with myself. I have tried to make myself throw up after meals on many occasions but I have never been able to. This makes my depression worse because I feel that I am not strong enough. Not good enough to make myself throw up. I haven't been able to use laxatives because I don't think I am old enough to buy them for myself. My Mother doesn't know that I starve myself or the amount of self hatred I feel. I hate it. I hate me.

Anyway this is my story so far. I hope that if some of you relate to this then you realise that you are not alone. Also please seek help because this is not something that you should go through alone. I have seen 5 counsellors and a mental health specialist - although I currently do not have a counsellor.

Please feel free to message me if you have any questions or would like any advice.

I also volunteer for an organisation that improves mental health services in the South West of England so if you have any comments I would happily put them forward for you.

Take care!

Ellen xx

30 Replies

  • Hi Ellen nobody will ever judge you on anything even at your age hugs Paula xxxx

  • Thank you Paula! I really appreciate it. Many people have judged me because of my age xx

  • Well they should be ashamed of themselves mental health issues can affect anyone i was ok till i lost my daughter six years ago to cancer then i had a breakdown hugs Paula xxx

  • I am so sorry to here that Paula. I hope that you are feeling better now xxx

  • Yes im doing fine now still have moments when i feel down but im coping alot better and talking on here helps too hugs Paula xxx

  • Hi Ellen you don't have to justify being on here as you are old enough at 16 anyway. It sounds to me like you are suffering from a very serious mental health disorder - anorexia. This can kill you so you need to seek more help please. People have died from this illness so don't let it go on please. I don't know a great deal about it but do know sufferers feel they have no control in their life and the only way they can get it is to starve themselves. It is a very dangerous thing you are doing.

    Don't you think your parent must be worried sick about you? I know I would be if you were my daughter. Please don't feel ashamed and embarrased it's not your fault, depression often strikes at random and is not a fault or weakness in you. Your parents and those who love you would be devastated if anything happened to you, so you owe it to them if not yourself to get all the help you can. Ok? x

  • But if I tell them I fear that they will be as upset as they were when they found out about my self harm. My Dad doesn't live with us anymore. He moved out over two years ago because he had been cheating on my Mum for two years. My Mum was in pieces when he left and at 13 years old I was left to pick up the pieces. My brother was only 10 at the time. I don't want to upset my parents. I just want to be happy. I just want to be thin xx

  • You need help and you need it urgently. Whats better risk upsetting folk or your life? I know which I would choose! Choose life and seek help please. If you carry on like this you are risking your life and health. You have an illness and it's nothing be ashamed of. If you really feel you can't tell your parents get yourself off to the doctors pronto.

    It's a false hope that you can get yourself better - coz you can't. The adult thing to do is seek help. x

  • Please tell your parents that what they are here for you are still only young and need help we as adults can take what life throws at us you sound like a strong person but you need help please tell them now hugs Paula xx

  • I am just scared of what my Mum will say. A few months ago - I volunteered at a youth club and my school and I was talking to one of the adults. Her daughter had been in and out of hospital with anorexia. I had told my Mum that I was talking to this woman and her response was: "You don't think that you've got anorexia, do you? Because you don't".

    Besides if I tell my parents - they'll want me to stop and I don't want to stop until I am 100% happy with myself.

    I am not in danger at the moment as I am not restricting nor starving at the moment - but I will be soon. I want to loose weight for prom.

  • I can honestly say you wont be happy mental health issues make us un happy xxx

  • I just believe that once I am at my goal weight - which isn't as drastic as you think - I will finally be happy again xx

  • Ok sweetheart what size are u at the moment xxx

  • I am 5"9 and 140lbs :(

  • Thats fine to me only thing is i hope if you want to lose weight you do it propely xxx

  • Tried that. I used to be 168lbs and then I started starving myself. My goal is 110lbs. Maybe 100lbs. Then I will be content xx

  • All i can say to you is take a look at yourself and think im beautiful what ever weight i am .Beauty is in the eye of the beholder it comes from within.xxx

  • I really wish that I could think like that. One of my friends - who I have confided in - thinks that I might have body-dismorphia disorder. He says that I am really thin but all I see is fat.

    I wish that I had his confidence. Whenever he splits up with one of his boyfriends - they will always tell him that he's fat or he's ugly. But he just takes it in his stride. xx

  • Ok sweerheart i think you need to seek some proper help im always on this site regular you can private message me when ever im a good listener and will do my best to try and help you .your friend does right best way to get on in life .xxx

  • Thank you. I really appreciate. I try not to confide in people too much because I feel that I am burdening them with my problems. As I no longer have a counsellor - I have to out-let my problems somewhere :(

  • You can let them out any time its no problem to me or others on here xxx

  • Some facts of life young lady. When you starve yourself your body desperately holds onto the calories it has and consequently lowers your metablism rate, thus making it harder to lose weight. It's a vicious circle. Therefore you starve yourself even more until you are in danger of death.

    The way to lose weight is to eat 3 meals a day (healthy foods and not frying or cake etc.). That way your body will relax knowing it is going to get fed and your metabablism will rise making it easier to lose the weight. You need to do it slowly at around 1-2lbs a week. Otherwise you will mess your body up for life (if you live). You mustn't go below 1,000 calories a day to avoid permanent damage to your body.

    Google healthy eating and it will explain it all better than I can. Look at Weightwatchers online and other sites. Healthy eating is the way to lose the weight and not crash dieting. x

  • Well that stupid women is wrong! You think you are fat - well from what you have said you are not. You just think you are which is typical of anorexia. If you carry on messing with your body like this you will kill yourself. Do you want that?

    I hope I am scaring the s...t out of you coz that is my intention. You will never be 100% happy with yourself coz none of are. Of course your parents will want to stop you starving yourself to death. It's your mindset you need to change before you do. And to do this requires help.

    At your age you are still growing and need to eat enough. If you don't you will affect your bone growth for one thing, for another you could give yourself heart problems. Google Karen Carpenter, the singer. This is what happened to her. Do you want this for yourself? x

  • My grandma always said beauty comes from within and boy was she right xxx

  • Your Grandma sounds like her was a very wise and caring person :) xx

  • Yes she deffiently was just sit down and tell your parents how you feel please you need help hugs paula xxx

  • The last time I tried to do that I was in family therapy with my parents. My mental health specialist had to read out what I wanted to say while I sat behind a one-way window with my little brother. I broke down and I wasn't even saying it to them myself.

    That was also a different issue. My mental health specialist was telling my parents the effect that my Dad cheating on my Mum and leaving had on me.

  • I suffered with mental illness when I was a child (now in my 40's) and the thought of telling anyone when I was in my teens didn't feel like an option. It was and is. In my case I didn't think anyone would care but looking back I know they would have. It sounds like you are getting some help and you need to keep getting that help. There are many different kinds of help and you will find one that works for you. For me the best was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but it is different for everyone. I am glad you are using this site and you have helped me so much. My teenager self harms and your insight has given me some new ideas on how to support them and I thank you so much. Keep talking and keep safe.

  • Hi how are you doing xx

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