Worse than I've felt in a while..

[Arlanar06]

So I've had diagnosed depression and anxiety for nearly 3 years now I think. It's been a rough ride and for my partner of 5 years it has also been rough on. I don't work because I'm prone to panic attacks and I don't deal well with people. Since January this year I have been improving, I finally got a decent anxiety doctor who changed my medication which seems to be working. Changed therapist and my new one is helping me a lot even to look at things I can try and do. I've been attempting to get financial assistance but still waiting for that. Obviously this doesn't put me in a good light with his family. My parents help me with expenses I have but I still live with my partner. However at Christmas this year I made it clear that this isn't who I want to be. I hate myself more than any of them could and I don't want them to view me as a leech. I know what it looks like. But today I've had a bit of a backhanded slapping. Basically my partner and his gran while I wasn't there were discussing how i was procrastinating over getting a job. All because I mentioned to her that other than my financial situation with getting help (It's out of my hands atm so I can't change it) I have been improving for the first time since diagnosis. My partner then told me about it this morning that it's frustrating him and made me feel like that ticking deadline before he gives up on me started all over again. Something I've been trying really hard not to feel. And I had had a really lovely weekend with my family and with dogs that help soothe me. And it came after he told me he felt closer to me. I'm trying. I'm trying to improve I don't want to be like this any more than he wants me to be. But I can't rush it or I'm likely to trip up and land flat on my face. I even have a vague plan for what I want over the next couple months and explained this to him. It hurts that he is frustrated but it hurts that after the heartfelt talks at Christmas it seemed to mean nothing. It meant 0. And everything she said to me and reassured me of just died. Improvement doesn't mean I'm cured. And I hate feeling like the moment I'm not on a jobsite looking for work I'm bad even when I have no idea what I want or who I really am. I thrive off of positive support which I have now, due to abuse received in my past. This has made me question support I had hoped I now had. Including that of my partner closest to me. I've self harmed today because of it and my suicidal thoughts have come out in full force again. How do you manage this kind of mess? My head feels like a bunch of hot needles and I'm trying to pull them out of the fire with the least pain. I needed the rant I think but...if anyone has any advice of how I can accept this as is, I would appreciate it. I'm feeling really lost.