In a really bad way

[Frozenimages]

I am in a bad way today. I have that little voice telling me that it's not worth it anymore. I know the inevitable. I don't feel loved by the man I was wanting to spend the rest of my life with. He has emotional mental problems himself that are worse. I think he triggers my emotional and mental trauma. We had a fight a couple days ago. I do not want to go into detail right now, but he said really mean and hurtful things. I have thought of leaving him on numerous occasions. I have two small children, limited resources, we share a car, and I don't have anywhere to go. I have talked to counselors and a close friend and they have suggested I pack emergency items and a grab bag in case anything happens to where I need to get out.

I don't feel like trying to work on this issue with him. He hurt me in a way that has tossed me into a state of numbness, hurt, rage, resentment. Worse is, I don't think he cares.

I don't want to see him, be around him, or even talk to him. Normally I can shake off certain things because I have learned about his mental health issue. This time, I just don't care. If he wants to be mad at me, fine. I'm feeling so emotionally wounded, I'm finding it hard to even keep my bad attitude from showing through at work. That is a red flag for me.

Things were said to where I feel myself slipping more into a state of coldness to where I feel no emotion, warmth, or love for him. Even my children. My oldest is at his grand parents, but our toddler is still at home. I lost my cool. He started screaming and crying when I was trying to leave for work and I snapped. I threw my hands up and said I can't deal with this right now. I got angry at my brother in law for not helping me when he could see I was in a state of duress. I didn't even tell my husband bye when I left. He was still asleep.

I'm feeling lost, alone, hurt, angry. Like I'm being crapped all over because I made a mistake and lied about a stupid Christmas card. I thought about just locking myself in the bathroom and just making it stop. I don't think my relationship is going to last. Some days I keep telling myself to hold on until the boys are old enough to leave the home and then I'll leave him. I don't have the strength to try to leave my spouse right now. I'm emotionally and mentally damaged to a point where I think if I tried to leave with the kids, I would end up screwing them up beyond repair. As far as the kids know, mom and dad have problems, but still love each other. They are happy, healthy, and love their home. I can't bring myself from destroying that for them because I am struggling.

[Stilltrying_]

This time of year brings out the stresses in life like no other time! It is often at this time that we are reminded of our and others emotional damage and it can get exaggerated and take over your entire thoughts because this is such an emotional time of year.

The argument is very recent and has left you reeling. You need not to make too many demands on yourself when you are feeling so vulnerable. Just try and eat and sleep and survive; the time for decisions comes later when you are better able to plan.

Please know there are people here who care and who have been through similar stuff themselves. Try and hold on for the next few days and then just deal with one thing at a time. Thinking of you.

Gemma X

[Frozenimages in reply to Stilltrying_]

I appreciate it. It was really hard when he called earlier and talking like nothing was wrong and in a normal voice. I tried to keep it neutral, but my disdain for him seeped out and he caught it. He got mad and snapped saying, oh so you want to have an attitude with me, I don't have to deal with this sh**, F this and hung up. I was on my back to work and I stopped. I went into the bathroom and shut the door. I sat on the edge of the bath tub and started crying.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? Act like everything is just fine because he got out his rant and apparently feels fine now? Like since he's okay with our fight and got past his "mental issues", that I should too. I didn't even get an attitude. It's probably because he could pick up on my coldness and distance in the conversation.

I can't talk to him about I feel. He blames me for the fight because I lied. I lied thinking I was protecting his feelings.

I usually don't talk about my relationship problems, I feel it's an open invitation for people to criticize, put in their 2 cents, or simply say "well just leave him". It's never that simple. There is a lot of factors and ones that I simply do not have the mental health or ability to do right now.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Frozenimages, I am sorry to hear you are so unhappy. Stilltrying is right when she said that this time of year brings out the stresses in life like no other time. It is a very emotional time of the year. Be kind to yourself by eating and sleeping well and then you will be in a much better position to decide what you want to do. Give yourself time. The Pinned Posts on the website have some useful information, and if you are in the UK, you could contact the Citizens Advice Bureau citizensadvice.org.uk who will be able to advise you on various aspects of your situation. Please continue to post on this caring forum where other members will be along to offer their support. Thank you and best wishes.

[Frozenimages in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you for the kind words. I don't get them much at home. The only thing that concerns me is this isn't just a holiday thing. He's been like this long before. I've been like this long before. I don't see how my current situation is going to get any better. I feel like I can't do this anymore, I'm not happy anymore, I don't want any of it. I really hope everyone is right that the holidays just amplify problems. I just don't see it as any change in the holidays, only what I've been dealing with before.

[Hidden in reply to Frozenimages]

Hiya, so sorry to hear about your difficulties. It's easy to give advice and some of it is very good, but at the end of the day it's your life and only you know the full situation and how you really feel. The priority has to be your own health, safety and happiness and that of your children. Be kind and generous to all people (as I'm sure you are) but most of all be kind and generous to yourself. Listen to advice, but then weigh it all up, see which way the scales tip and make the right decision for you and your children. Only you willl know what that right decision is, so once you have decided, move forward and never, ever look back. We only have the present. Take care,

[Hidden]

Mental health issues or not, treating you badly is not acceptable. I have mental health issues and I would never treat anyone like that. And I would never use it as an excuse if I did in the heat of the moment.

If I were in your shoes I’d go to the council and see if they can help you get emergency accommodation (or other relevant body if you are not in the UK). They are normally quite good if you have kids, which you do.

Fingers crossed for you. Don’t just put up with him. He shouldn’t treat you like that!

[Cara78]

Get out. Take the car and go.

[Frozenimages]

I appreciate the advice. I like what Sebastian58 said. That's really why I usually keep that aspect of my life to myself. I can throw out bits and pieces, but never get the whole picture. I know people say get and just go. The other forum I'm in and national hotlines I talk to really help. They don't tell me whether to stay or go. I wish I could just say, okay kids, hop in the car and be on my way. The truth is, I don't think that is very safe.

I know I'm probably going to catch heat for this, but the situation for my kids at this moment is to not uproot them and force them to live in some shelter or some emergency accommodation. It scares me to death the thought of subjecting them to something like that. I would feel selfish and like I was only thinking of myself. My kids are happy, healthy, well rounded, love me and him, and their two uncles they see. I cannot bring myself to take all of that away. Maybe when I can offer something better for them, then I will be open to discuss the "just go" aspect.

What would be helpful me right now is self care advice and a way to focus on self healing.