I am in a bad way today. I have that little voice telling me that it's not worth it anymore. I know the inevitable. I don't feel loved by the man I was wanting to spend the rest of my life with. He has emotional mental problems himself that are worse. I think he triggers my emotional and mental trauma. We had a fight a couple days ago. I do not want to go into detail right now, but he said really mean and hurtful things. I have thought of leaving him on numerous occasions. I have two small children, limited resources, we share a car, and I don't have anywhere to go. I have talked to counselors and a close friend and they have suggested I pack emergency items and a grab bag in case anything happens to where I need to get out.
I don't feel like trying to work on this issue with him. He hurt me in a way that has tossed me into a state of numbness, hurt, rage, resentment. Worse is, I don't think he cares.
I don't want to see him, be around him, or even talk to him. Normally I can shake off certain things because I have learned about his mental health issue. This time, I just don't care. If he wants to be mad at me, fine. I'm feeling so emotionally wounded, I'm finding it hard to even keep my bad attitude from showing through at work. That is a red flag for me.
Things were said to where I feel myself slipping more into a state of coldness to where I feel no emotion, warmth, or love for him. Even my children. My oldest is at his grand parents, but our toddler is still at home. I lost my cool. He started screaming and crying when I was trying to leave for work and I snapped. I threw my hands up and said I can't deal with this right now. I got angry at my brother in law for not helping me when he could see I was in a state of duress. I didn't even tell my husband bye when I left. He was still asleep.
I'm feeling lost, alone, hurt, angry. Like I'm being crapped all over because I made a mistake and lied about a stupid Christmas card. I thought about just locking myself in the bathroom and just making it stop. I don't think my relationship is going to last. Some days I keep telling myself to hold on until the boys are old enough to leave the home and then I'll leave him. I don't have the strength to try to leave my spouse right now. I'm emotionally and mentally damaged to a point where I think if I tried to leave with the kids, I would end up screwing them up beyond repair. As far as the kids know, mom and dad have problems, but still love each other. They are happy, healthy, and love their home. I can't bring myself from destroying that for them because I am struggling.