In a weird place

So, a background to start.

6 years ago i had postnatal depression that i got over with meds and cbt.

Nearly 4 years ago started meds for depression. 2 years ago I decided i didnt want to live any more so i stopped taking meds so that I could save them up 'just in case'. also stocked up on paracetamol and saved a bottle of vodka. Again, 'just in case'. I started making plans. Worked out a way my partner could still work around the kids so they wouldnt be affected financially and decided i should wait until the youngest starts school full time. This gave me a sort of feeling of relief. I was 'prepared' but still researching knowing i had time.

I went back to cbt for another issue in the hopes it would help clear up a past issue but i went to the initial appointment and didnt go back because i didnt like the therapist.

Since then I have had mood swings that can last hours/days/weeks but not so bad in the last 8 months or so.

In september i started uni but i dont think i did it for me. I get asked what i want to do with my degree and i make something up but the reality is i feel as though im just trying to keep up appearances because i still dont see a future with me in it. My partner cleared the medicine drawer the other day and that sent me into a minor panic so i took my old meds out of the bin and have hidden them.

85% of the time I don't feel that low - I have the odd days/week where i just want to sleep all the time and cry but generally the only emotion i can express is anger. I can flip easily and have often started to pick arguments with my partner for no reason. This last couple of weeks at uni have been hard as i struggle to concentrate and focus in lectures but luckily they are recorded so i can go back and listen to them again. The thoughts are coming back more and more though.

I dont expect anything to come from posting this. Its just to actually say it as much as anything especially since i have no-one i can talk to.

If i felt low all the time i would know i should go and see my gp but i dont so i just wait to feel more normal again. Those thoughts of dying never seem to leave though.

[Hidden]

Hi it sounds like meds helped you before so why not go back to your doctors and go on them again? You don't have to feel low all the time to be depressed you know as it can also express itself in anger and extreme irritation. You can also feel ok sometimes but it doesn't mean you don't have it.

Thinking about suicide is a red flag that you need to go to the doctors straightaway and get some help. Maybe more therapy would help as well?

Oh and you are not alone any more coz you are here and we all totally get it. Talk to us as we are very good listeners. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply.

They had actually stopped working. I was on 40mg citalopram and GP was weaning me off them to change them but as i felt better i just stopped taking the lower dose and never went back.

I tend to need to hit a real low before going docs because until then i just feel as though im wasting their time.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

And having suicidal thoughts isn't a real low? If that's not I don't know what is! Did you know mental health issues are the second most popular reason for people to visit a doctor? Why would you think you are wasting their time?

It's up to you of course what you decide to do. As you posted in here I presume you are looking for our opinions and I have given you mine. x

[spykey]

Hi Haleyb86

Welcome to the site, everyone here is friendly, supportive & non-judgemental.

You've obviously got a lot going on in your life with husband children & Uni! Do you mind me asking what you are studying at Uni?

You said you don't feel like this all the time, have you noticed any particular triggers in advance or at the point of your mood changes?

I can understand your panic when your partner decided to go through the medication drawer & that you had to retrieve your pills & hide them! Some individuals can feel they don't have complete control of everything in their lives & need to know that despite what is going on in their life, they still need an element of control, and as you said d you are just keeping up appearances, as you don't at this time see a future with you as a part of it!

I'm sorry to hear your second Cbt therapist wasn't helpful to you & you didn't get on! As you've said you started uni in September, does your Uni have any student counsellors on site that you may be able to try & talk to? Different therapies work for different people & there are different counselling styles & services normally at each Uni!

Are you able to talk to your tutor & let the know you are not finding the lectures easy to concentrate in? I know that you said you can go back to the units & redo them, but it's not ideal & your tutor may be able go support you a different way! Maybe an hour here or there extra to support when you through this sort of time frame, when you are having to rewatch the lectures! It is easier to tell your tutor when you are in a semi-positive time & you can explain to your tutor how you feel when you are not in a easy or positive time?!?

When you asked what you are doing with your degree you can tell people, basically give me a break! When I'm ready or when I'm done I'll let you know!!

I know it's difficult to get rid of thoughts you are having, & that you are for 85% of the time, but for the other 15% thoughts & anger you said you are going through it is important to get to either your GP or Counsellor & get support for yourself to cope with those times! Can you talk to your GP about going to a different CBT therapist maybe in a different area or if there is a different one in your area, there is usually more than one attached to the service area!!

Don't give up, keep posting! We'll try & support you as much as we are able! Thinking of you & wishing you more better days!

Wishing you warm positive thoughts. Take Care of you & yourself.

spykey

[Hidden in reply to spykey]

Thank you for your reply

I am studying Law so it's hard going but when in the right frame of mind I do really enjoy it. My brother is also on the course so having him there means I can't just not go because I dont feel up to it. It tends to be the thought of going in is the worst part. Trouble is we have to start looking at employability now but I can go with the flow on that one.

There is more than one therapist where I went last time. The first time I went I saw a different one and he was great and really helped. I don't think he's still there but I know someone else could be just as good.

[Reposting1]

Hi .

I've been at that door of exit that you're talking about , it's interesting isn't it the first time was 50yrs ago , but I was fortunate enough that someone pulled me back from the edge , but , you can't get rid of the demons that easily , they're yours , now that's weird isn't it . The last time i nearly lost my footing was about 3-4yrs ago , I kept all the necessary arrangements at hand and once again the exit doors were closed on me . I managed to get through uni God knows how but I enjoyed it . I went as a mature student , it was something I missed out on when I was a kid . But , demons don't go easily , do they . Do you know anything about yourself ? or the strange reality around you Hayleyb86 . The trouble with people like you and I is that instead of braving our way along the path when those demons pop their heads up we shrink in terror , we have nothing to to fall back on , no armour , no grounding , even with the amount that i have gained I'm still vulnerable . BUT . I get to that door now and I know that I will miss the point . It's not that I'm chicken but , I would run to the edge and then chicken out , because I know what's through the door . The only reason I'm talking about this is if you're bright enough to go to uni then you're bright enough to start to find out more about yourself and what's around you and why .

Do talk to me ,

Repostin1

Wilf

[Hidden in reply to Reposting1]

Thanks for your reply

The demons i have are definitely my own. They are ones i dont talk about to anyone. I had hoped cbt would make me face them and move on but maybe i will try again. The hardest thing right now is looking to the future so i tend to live a day at a time and just focus on the here and now.

[Reposting1 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hayley86b

See if you can get hold of a book on Pythageras's numerology . He started a university about numbers not just PI~r squared , that is just the tip of the iceberg , I'm not sure how much you might get on Google but you must look , it will show you your destiny and all other things as well as those around you . You must find for your self that it was your desire to come here and to learn certain lessons which you set for yourself before you came with the objective to learn and grow . That is why I would not pass through the door however challenged until it's time to leave . It's not our place to decide when that is . We set our own challenges don't chicken out , your life is not for you to take .

Talk to me some more kind regards

Reposting1

Wilf

[Reposting1 in reply to Hidden]

Hi there hayleyb86

How is it going.

Reposting1

[Hidden in reply to Reposting1]

Great reply Wilf x