So, a background to start.
6 years ago i had postnatal depression that i got over with meds and cbt.
Nearly 4 years ago started meds for depression. 2 years ago I decided i didnt want to live any more so i stopped taking meds so that I could save them up 'just in case'. also stocked up on paracetamol and saved a bottle of vodka. Again, 'just in case'. I started making plans. Worked out a way my partner could still work around the kids so they wouldnt be affected financially and decided i should wait until the youngest starts school full time. This gave me a sort of feeling of relief. I was 'prepared' but still researching knowing i had time.
I went back to cbt for another issue in the hopes it would help clear up a past issue but i went to the initial appointment and didnt go back because i didnt like the therapist.
Since then I have had mood swings that can last hours/days/weeks but not so bad in the last 8 months or so.
In september i started uni but i dont think i did it for me. I get asked what i want to do with my degree and i make something up but the reality is i feel as though im just trying to keep up appearances because i still dont see a future with me in it. My partner cleared the medicine drawer the other day and that sent me into a minor panic so i took my old meds out of the bin and have hidden them.
85% of the time I don't feel that low - I have the odd days/week where i just want to sleep all the time and cry but generally the only emotion i can express is anger. I can flip easily and have often started to pick arguments with my partner for no reason. This last couple of weeks at uni have been hard as i struggle to concentrate and focus in lectures but luckily they are recorded so i can go back and listen to them again. The thoughts are coming back more and more though.
I dont expect anything to come from posting this. Its just to actually say it as much as anything especially since i have no-one i can talk to.
If i felt low all the time i would know i should go and see my gp but i dont so i just wait to feel more normal again. Those thoughts of dying never seem to leave though.