Ive not posted on here before so thought I would give this a go. I feel like a mess.
4 years ago my partner admitted to using porn. We discussed it, he said he wouldn't use again. We also paid for me to see a sex therapist as I was quite upset about his use of porn and male sexuality. The therapist said that my feelings on the subject were valid, but, given that my partner said he wouldn't use again we moved forward.
2 years ago we moved in together, my libido started to decline. I would wake up to him masturbating next to me (something I'm not used to as I'd not realised to what extent men need release) we have a few financial issues and this year one of my closest relatives died. This was really difficult for me. On top of this I have been driving 70 miles a day, for 2 years, as part of my daily commute. This has taken its toll.
I recognise that I have likely been depressed over the last couple of years and have pushed him away both mentally and physically.
Recently we went 4 months with no sex. I just couldn't get into it. My head was not there. I asked him if he was substituting with porn and he denied. He even said at one point, we have parental controls on our internet so that I dont think he's looking at porn.
He started getting out of bed at 4am. I asked him again if he was using it and he said that he hasn't been getting up to do that but he has been looking at over last 2 years. I feel devastated. I feel confused that he lied and given that I saw a therapist I would have hoped we could have discussed this. Instead hes been doing this for 2 years and lying about it.
He said that he only looks on the porn site but doesnt masturbate to it as he regards that as cheating. He said he needs to see something as we aren't having sex or if we are it's once a month. He tells me he's only looked at 50 times max. He said he doesn't go on webcams or into chat rooms. I have to somehow trust what he is saying.
I have a real issue with porn in relationships. The idea that he's been enjoying other women has made me feel so sick. My confidence is now at an all time low. My anxiety is unmanageable. I've been put on medication, I'm now with the local mental health team and been signed off of work because my head wont switch off. It will be 2 years until I can see a psychologist so in the meantime I've been allocated a psychiatric nurse. When she assessed me she said I have childhood trauma from events in my childhood (none of the events however are of a sexual nature, I was emotionally abused). I dont know how I'm going to cope feeling like this for 2 years before anything will addressed. I cannot seem to function.
I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I dont want to wake up in the morning, I've neglected my looks and the house is a mess. Ive always said to him from day 1 that porn is a problem for me in relationships. However, all I see on google is that men all look at it and how they need visual stimuli. Which is fine, but what if your partner doesnt want you getting off looking at other ladies? Hes admitted he wouldn't feel great if I looked at men, but he wouldn't have such a massive issue as me.
I'd hoped to settle down, marry and have children but I can't see this happening and this saddens me.
How do women who dont like porn cope with their partners using this?
I have no one to talk to. My friends say that's how men are, they're apes, pathetic etc and that they chose to ignore their husbands porn habits.
I dont want to think of men so derogatory (apes, pathetic). Im already feeling uneasy around them and this includes my dad. This upsets me.
What and where can I go with this to get some grounding and to feel better? I'd be grateful for any advice.