Need help but don't know where to start...

[KevinFinnerty]

Nothing makes me happy. I feel so sad all the time, I just can't snap out of it. Any interaction with my family feels forced. I have no friends as I've isolated myself from them. The only thing stopping me from ending it all are my kids, I know what it's like to lose a parent young.

I used to be sociable, enjoyed meeting friends and generally enjoyed life. Now, the idea of meeting up with even family terrifies me as I know I'll have to put the mask back on and pretend to be the person I barely recall being.

I have no interests as nothing interests me any more. I wake up and already can't wait to go to bed again just to have ticked another day off. I feel like I'm just killing time, waiting for it to all be over.

Therapy didn't help, it just made me angry and then felt more helpless. Medication worked for a while but I had to change due to side effects. The new one doesn't seem to be as effective.

I have a good job, no money problems, no health issues, no need to be depressed at all. And that's what makes this vile, malignant, darkness so much more soul-destroying.

I need help.

[Vonus5591]

holidays planned?

Therapist that looks deep down?

New interest or new music or something new begin?

Just allow yourself to rest, sometimes that’s what we need?

New book? Or movie that might inspire?

Journaling or diary to seek answers or just see your thoughts?

New sports or gym and get those happy hormones going with exercise? Swimming? Walking?

[KevinFinnerty in reply to Vonus5591]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I’ve got a trip planned with my eldest son next month but I feel physically sick when I think about leaving the house. Pathetic, I know.

All I do is rest. I work at home and only need to do a few hours each morning so the rest I just waste time watching TV. This makes it worse when I run it through my head as I’ve got no excuse not to do anything outside the house. I hate it.

I’m overweight thanks to the years of antidepressants and the overwhelming feeling is “f**k it, I don’t care, I’ll be gone in a few years”

It’s so hard to explain but it boils down to the fact that I’ve got no motivation to do anything at all, I just want to curl up in a dark room and be forgotten by everyone.

I’ve read this through and feel so disgusted with myself for feeling this way, I know journaling won’t help at all. I despise the person I’ve become.

[Vonus5591 in reply to KevinFinnerty]

You just be yourself and my retired dad in his lifetime watched a lot of tv but by just being their and showing up means great deal. Believe me love in family important

You probably got it right by being you. I know father figure or husband or son means you are part of family. These days hard enough to keep together. Divorced I know. You stand by your family means alot

[KevinFinnerty in reply to Vonus5591]

Thank you for your kind reply.

[BrokenPromise]

You're not alone! I hear exactly what you're saying because I too, feel the same.There's nothing that makes me happy, and I'm just surviving atp.

I'm numb really and I understand what you mean by putting on a mask, I do the same.

I have no friends, I don't speak to family very much and I struggle so much.

Every waking day is dreadful.

The only thing that keeps me going is my kids and the thought of, this won't last forever, this too shall pass.

Find something small in everyday, that brings you bits of joy.

Best wishes ✨

[KevinFinnerty in reply to BrokenPromise]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling in such a way too.

I do sometimes have days where I feel there might be an end to the darkness but most of the time it’s just relentless. And that makes it even more frustrating.

I desperately long for something to brighten my days but haven’t found a spark yet. I hope you find yours.

Thanks again

[Chaz63]

I completely understand what you are going through. I feel the same. I am guessing there are a huge number of people who feel the same too.

It's important you understand you are not alone and that what you are feeling is nothing to be ashamed of. Do not beat yourself up.

I have found that I need to talk to and be open with family and my feeling is that it will take some time for me to turn the corner.

Whatever you are feeling it does not mean you should feel any guilt or that you are in some way a bad person for feeling depressed. The fact that you are reaching out is positive and you will find many many people who will understand and support you.

Wishing you all the best on your journey. Many of us are treading the same path.

[KevinFinnerty in reply to Chaz63]

Thank you Chaz, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same.

The only guilt I feel is towards my family; my wife because I'm simply not the same person I was when we married and my kids because I know I'm failing them as a father.

[Chaz63 in reply to KevinFinnerty]

Completely understand your thoughts which are not unusual believe me. My personal experience is that families understand more than we know and that when you come out of the other side you will find your relationships with them are stronger than ever.

Time is the key.

Just don't beat yourself up.

Don't think too far ahead. Baby steps are the key. Give yourself a break.

Don't be too self critical.

Take care.