I've been toying with the idea to post this on here for quite a while due to fear of judgement because of the choices I make from my self-destruct mode. Nobody knows about what I'm about to tell you all so please, bare in mind this is hard.
When I'm in my self-destruct mode I don't see it until its too late. I always wreck my relationships around me. Whether it be with my friends, family or with my partners. I don't just wreck them on a rubbish scale, I mean, I go all out ruin everything and sometimes to the point of no return for it.
My main concern is how selfish I am when I'm like this. I fill the void, this stupid gap by basically putting myself out there and getting attention from other men. When I'm like this, I will lie to them, to my partner and to myself. I absolutely hate myself after I've come out of this but when I'm in that mind frame, I tell myself it'll help. It'll make me feel better. Ill fill that stupid void and each time, it obviously doesn't.
I'm sick of doing this and it's just going in a circle. I know most people will be like "Oh if you loved your partner you wouldn't do it, blah" which I get that but, I don't even think about the consequences. I don't think of other people. This is my self-harm. My release or some sort. My way to cope. I admit, I actively look for this attention. I need help with it.
It only gets worse when I feel like I'm useless, I'm a burden etc. I know I'm a rubbish person right now and I would rather take my own life for doing all of this to people.
Me and my partner split up, I slept with somebody else. He messed me around so I slept with his best mate to get back at him and I also ended a 3 year relationship - his, not mine. I feel no regret at all even though, I instigated it all and knew he was with someone.
I feel guilt for doing this to my partners, I really do but it's like I cant stop. I've been awake all night and it's happened again. Someone, just please help me. I already feel like I cant get out of this a logical way.
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AmeliaIvy
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Last year i read a book about a woman who would be getting on with life but would suddenly go out and sleep with strangers and disappear from her friends lives leaving them worried sick. She would take risks during these times and get herself into really dangerous situations. She lost her friends her family her jobs her partners etc. She would wake up in strangers houses or in parks and was beaten up etc then she would settle down to life and try and fix the mess but sometimes not even remember half of it... it went on and on going from a normal life to a chaotic life.
When i got to the end of this book it explained that it was a true story and she had been suffering from a form of bipolar but was treated successfully and her life has changed
Im not saying you are suffering from this but is it possible that your (self destruct ) could be something that you actually need help with and maybe you need to talk to someone about it .
I do have a therapist but I haven't opened up to her about this. I know I should but it's just embarrassing. I cant have a normal relationship. I have to destroy it in these stupid ways. I'm in debt because I cant control my spending habits when I'm like this either. I buy on impulse stupid things too, things I don't need or want x
Impulsive spending is a classic. You have been wise and brave enough to speak to someone you just haven't been ready to tell her it all. If she is a good therapist she should be waiting for you to tell her what the big issue is because the majority of us all follow a certain route in therapy so things wont be adding up for her....Take the bull by the horns and tell her honey you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I dont think for one minute that you will be the first person to tell her this.
I agree. Tell your therapist. That's exactly what she's there for. To help you with all the super difficult internal battles and your desire to change things. Good luck to you.
Again I agree completely with Mandy. How do you expect to get a firm diagnosis and proper treatment if you can't tell your therapist the real problem?
Why is it embarrassing? It's not your fault is it? If you are bipolar then it is a common enough mental health condition and with treatment you might be able to stop your destructive behaviour. After all that's what you want - isn't it?
Otherwise you can come in here forever talking about how bad you are feeling and your self destructive actions, and how you wish you could change it. Well you can. If its hard talking about it write it down with some examples and just give it to the counsellor. Bev xx
• in reply to
Ps or why not print off your last few posts and just give them to your counsellor! x
Hello ThatLawren; firstly I would like to compliment you on your bravery at posting this up and in realising that you need help with this. It made for tough reading for me as I do have a problem in not feeling judgmental when people are clearly hurting others (as well as themselves) but I can see that you genuinely want some help with this and you realise how destructive your behaviour is.
It could be an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain which make you disinhibited and out of control including spending and so on in which case medication could help you so it's very important that you tell mental health professionals eg your psychiatrist especially if you have one about this. Counsellors too are trained not to be judgemental and if it is not due to a chemical imbalance then there are therapies which can help with this sort of thing but they take a lot of ongoing commitment and lots of ups and downs.
Can I just ask did you take any alcohol at the time as this can reduce inhibitions and one way to stop yourself from behaving like this in future could be not to take alcohol if this was a factor? Something to consider; you don't have to answer me right now but just wondered as that was the only thing I thought of that could maybe help you control it better.
Lauren you are very brave and please don't feel you should end your life because of this; you are doing your best to get help and are not a bad person. I've followed your posts up till now and can see you are struggling with very strong moods. We are here to support you through good and through bad times.
I hope too that you are feeling a little better right now. How are you managing with work at the moment?
I() think you need help with your impulsivity... more than anything... You're right... mere logic, won't help... I've been a bit the same, but not way out there... I tend to just withdraw from relationships, and "put them on hold," or, "be a bad friend," and not talk to them for months, But I find My Friendship With God Most Important, And I Focus On Him, And That Tends To Make Me Feel Alright. I heard the devil whispering, the lying words, "it's a mistake," and saw fear trying to make you run from one of your relationships, I See Visions sometimes... If It's True, Then You Need Not To Be afriad, if false, then sorry... I think you might need Jesus's Love, but this is my opinion, because His Love Helped Me To Be More Confident. If I don't want to talk to someone, like ever again, or for a season, I withdraw, but if the person follows or asks why, or talks to me still, I honestly confront them, or I tell their friends, but I have to set someboundaries with certain people, because they like my time, company, energy, Love (From God), And my money, but they don't really love me back, with God's Love, they don't like Him, but they claim they 'like me', but they trample all over me, they take and take, but they don't give, not very often, and I feel spent, so I end up taking from others, who then feel spent on me, which I try not to do, So I Pray To Jesus, And He Gives Me More ... HE NEVER RUNS OUT! … Maybe I Should Have Gone To Him First... Anyways, I Hope This Helps You... and if not, I apologize. That's Real Brave Of You, To Open Up, And Tell Us What (Has been) Going On! I think Things will "pan out" well... It takes me Courage To Write Too, as I feel scared of being kicked off this forum, But I still typed... Because The Love I've Received Isn't Afraid To Ask... If You Want, You Can Call On The True Jesus, Described In The Old King James Bible, And See What Happens In The Next Following Months, I can't promise "I will" answer quickly, because I'm not on here often, I'm in a 'mental health ward' myself, but I'm happy and calm, while broke, and paying off a debt, and appparently overpaying another one... :-), have had my moments, but I Trust God, That Things Will Be Okay, And Look Forward To My Mansion One Day (In Heaven, But NO SHORT CUTS.) … That Keeps Me Grounded, And He Helps, I Call On Lord Jesus, For Things, "(In the) Right Now." I gotta Go...
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