I've been toying with the idea to post this on here for quite a while due to fear of judgement because of the choices I make from my self-destruct mode. Nobody knows about what I'm about to tell you all so please, bare in mind this is hard.
When I'm in my self-destruct mode I don't see it until its too late. I always wreck my relationships around me. Whether it be with my friends, family or with my partners. I don't just wreck them on a rubbish scale, I mean, I go all out ruin everything and sometimes to the point of no return for it.
My main concern is how selfish I am when I'm like this. I fill the void, this stupid gap by basically putting myself out there and getting attention from other men. When I'm like this, I will lie to them, to my partner and to myself. I absolutely hate myself after I've come out of this but when I'm in that mind frame, I tell myself it'll help. It'll make me feel better. Ill fill that stupid void and each time, it obviously doesn't.
I'm sick of doing this and it's just going in a circle. I know most people will be like "Oh if you loved your partner you wouldn't do it, blah" which I get that but, I don't even think about the consequences. I don't think of other people. This is my self-harm. My release or some sort. My way to cope. I admit, I actively look for this attention. I need help with it.
It only gets worse when I feel like I'm useless, I'm a burden etc. I know I'm a rubbish person right now and I would rather take my own life for doing all of this to people.
Me and my partner split up, I slept with somebody else. He messed me around so I slept with his best mate to get back at him and I also ended a 3 year relationship - his, not mine. I feel no regret at all even though, I instigated it all and knew he was with someone.
I feel guilt for doing this to my partners, I really do but it's like I cant stop. I've been awake all night and it's happened again. Someone, just please help me. I already feel like I cant get out of this a logical way.