Struggling with the everyday life!

[x_b_x]

Hey everyone.

I am sorry if this will seem to go on and on with me just venting about everything and anything, I just need someone to talk to so bad and some advice to make things seem a little bit clearer within my mind.

Currently I am awaiting to see a psychiatrist for a possible BPD diagnosis, I have had counselling and such but they feel they are unable to help me further until I get a proper diagnosis. March 8th I have my appointment and after 18 weeks of waiting for it, it cannot come soon enough, I am struggling so bad I cannot cope with even the every day life anymore. It is really taking its toll.

I think one of the main factors as to why I am so down lately is my new job, I started in January thinking it would be a good job. But it really isn't. I feel ostracised, paranoid, always stressed, I do not like the dynamic and the atmosphere of the office. The office has only been going 6 month and already they have had 12 staff leave. I just cannot cope there. I cannot cope with office life anymore, I want to be free of it. I am in debt though, I have a mortgage and bills to pay, so escaping from there seems like it can never be a possibility and I feel stuck. I would love an outdoor job, and recently I have been contacted by two companies offering me the position to train me up and such. I hear what you are about to say, this is your opportunity and you should take it. And do not get me wrong, more than anything I would love to take it, but once again my anxiety, my stupid stupid anxiety is making me doubt. I worry because it is seasonal that I will not find work over the Winter period, therefore I will be stuck financially, I worry that I will go to another job and hate it, which I seem to be doing a lot. I just worry about letting everyone down. But I cannot be stuck in this office another day longer. I self harmed at work the other day, because I was so stressed, they moved me away from all of my friends and sat me next to the boss, I have to write every thing I do, how long it took me to do, times I go to the toilet, when I get back from the toilet, they say my productivity isn't very good, I just cannot cope with it at all! As I write this, I am crying, I have to go to work in an hour and I just feel like I can't, but I am to afraid to call in sick too.

I feel so lost right now, my relationship is starting to become affected by all of this. I cannot even let my partner near me lately, I do not like the fuss or love. I am always crying, moaning or angry and I know it is starting to take a toll on him. He always puts on a smile and says everything will be ok, but deep down I know he is probably getting fed up having to deal with me going from job to job, never been stable and having to deal with me pushing him away.

I really wish I could have the strength to quit this job. I wish I didn't get as anxious as I do and just take this seasonal work. I know it will probably make me so much more happy, as it's what I want to do in life and now I finally have that opportunity, I wish my anxiety would't stop me from taking it and been so worried about it all of the time.

I would really appreciate any advice right now, has anyone else been in this boat, what did you do? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

[DavidS61]

Hi X_b_x

So sorry to hear that you are so unhappy. You have come to the right place for support. There are some great people on here,to be there and support you.

I had a similar exerience and i found breathing exercises helped me to calm and helped me to make some forward moves. You have identified the main problem which sounds like the working environment. Maybe look for jobs and prepare to resign. Put a plan together to move forward and look for a new job. Its great to hear you have other opportunities, take them, eve if its to get out of that place. Meditate in the evening and morning use an app called Headspace or Calm. We need to help you to calm and then you can start to progress. No job is ever worth the type of anxiety or stress its causing you. I understand about the financial side but money will come and go but your happiness and health are imore important.

Sorry im going on and on but i understand what you are going through and want to help. Im still here and work for myself now. So there is another life you can lead. We are here for you, continue to reach out. You are no longer suffering in silence. Great first steps to a better life. Take care.

[Dessertmouse58]

If you truly feel you would be happiest at an out door seasonal job then go ahead., if it makes you feel better to apologize to your partner and who ever you want for changing jobs, they will understand. They may not like it but they understand you. Don’t ever hurt your self for any reason. Instead when your feeling pretty bad inside about the job you’re currently in., do as I did, I worked at a job I hated for 13 yrs.. not that you have to.. but when I was feeling pretty low at my job and the people who worked their were all feeling awful working there.. we found little things to make us smile and laugh . Not all day . But what ever got us through the day. Yes we cried and complained about to each other.. but I also gave my support to whom I knew was going through a bad day. Many times while at work I would imagine and pretend I was some where else. But very aware of my surroundings. I also played a little happy music at my office desk and made the day go by faster. Well. In time I was able to cope with the struggles I had. But if you just can’t bare it any more. Take a few days off. To recuperate. Try it.

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Were you ill before taking on this new job ?

The problem is as you have mentioned your job you feel is not for you, although you mention the chance of been retrained on a job you know you will enjoy, you are stuck because you have bills to pay and the work is seasonal. Only you know if the need job would eventually work and if with your Partner wage you could manage. Sometimes we all get stuck in the job we hate, we need to on many occasions need to grin and bare it.

It sounds you are on a rocky road as far as your Manager is concerned and is now questioning your work, again it would seem to many you may be on your way out. So a jump before a hard push has many benefits especially if your future would be a good way follow, again only you can make those decisions. At the moment you are in a very hard place.

If you had this condition before all of above upset you must have been given coping techniques to help yourself. In fact it is possible if this is the case you may have had the chance or assistance to move on to past concerns you had. The problem you may have if the problems have not been addressed they will add on to the above problems and made matters worse.

In my past I made some really hard decisions because of my Reactive Depression and I am still dealing with its climax, after thirty years, so on occasions. This can also cause circumstances that cannot be planned for. You need to consider your needs and expectation and make way to new future plans if that is what is decided.

Of course if your problems are just related to this job, and this is causing problems at Home you need to be rational and discuss your problems with your Partner. Or you could await your Appointment and see what they suggest, sad to say people and Specialists can only advise. Only you have the chance of making informed choices

BOB