Struggling to Cope ....

[Hols969]

I am struggling to cope at the moment. I found out in-between Christmas and New Year my hubbie of 24 years had had sex with a neighbour (whose husband had left her as she wasn’t interested in sex any more) and I am really struggling to come to terms with it, initially he moved out for a few weeks but has moved back in but I am feeling unbelievably low and can't seem to get past this, I am locked in a circle I feel where it just goes around and around in my head. I do think I need to up my AD's as I haven't felt this low for many years (I only take them every other day currently which I restarted a few years ago as job can be stressful and I can feel anxious sometimes so they really help) but I feel in total despair and don’t know how to lift myself back out.

We have done lots of talking etc and I do believe he bitterly regrets what he has done and would not do it again and will do everything he can to mend it etc but I just feel bitter about the whole thing, I have always been the main bread winner in the household but the last two years he has done less and less work (artist) even though he had the work to do, and it got to the point in December where we had an argument and I said he has to start pulling his weight as I am struggling to cope with the financial burden myself (I do earn good money), anyway 2 days later he had sex with the neighbour (and went back again the following day for a repeat performance, and didn’t use any protection either!), I just feel totally betrayed by him as I have encouraged him to do volunteer work at our son’s school etc (as it can be a bit of a solitary existence being an animal portrait artist) which he loves but I just feel like he has thrown 24 years ago. He said he was feeling low and unloved blah blah, he had been feeling low for a while before and I had encouraged him to up his exercise etc. I think also what didn’t help was he had a female friend (married) who seemed to think our relationship was a bit strange as we didn’t have sex very often so I think she certainly didn’t help matters, but lack of time, getting up at 4am every day, a 4 hour commute (and going to bed at the same time as our 11 year old doesn’t help) and tbh I am tired a lot of the time and my sex drive (being on the combined contraceptive and AD’s I think don’t help libido wise). I think what also hurts is the fact that he is not a one night stand kinda guy so emotions would have been involved so that possibly hurts the most.

I do still love him but don’t want to feel like I do, all bitter and unhappy about life (we have a 11 year old son too, who found the texts from the neighbour, which makes it ten times worse). I have contacted a private relationship counsellor yesterday as obviously I do need some outside help to get to grips with it all but she is quite busy for the next few weeks. So all I can think of is to up my AD’s back to every day to try and keep myself going and able to cope.

I have also had this cough thing that is doing the rounds in the UK for the last few weeks so am feeling quite run down anyway, so it’s the run down and tired mentally as well that is just draining and I am starting to feel twitchy and unable to cope again.

Sorry was a bit of an essay …

[chloe40]

Hello there, sorry you are having such a tough time right now. Seeing a relationship counsellor is definitely the way to go. We can only offer support and information about depression and itt seems you need much more.

Best wishes.

Chloe

[Photogeek]

Hi there and I am sorry that you are feeling so low, you have been betrayed and infidelity is very hard to cope with and we tend to blame ourselves. Rather than the perpetrator, " if I was slimmer". " If my hair was blonde" or " if I was a movie star". You need to concentrate on you and make that appointment for Therapy and Relationship Counselling.

Why is your husbands woman friend a party to your intimate life, I don't think he should discuss this with others. You seem to be under a lot of pressure being the main breadwinner and thus stress would of course affect your libido, so please stop blaming yourself.

Your whole relationship needs to change and he needs to pull his weight, and please don't torture yourself about him having an emotional bond with that neighbour, he probably cried on her shoulder etc, and one thing led to another. In this case I don't think Antidepressants are the answer as you are Depressed and stressed owing to a situation in your life, most people would react the same. It's very hard to cope with. Try and distract yourself from going over the infidelities in your mind, that will make you worse and gets us nowhere. Message me if you want to chat as I had this situation years ago. Now In hindsight I would handle it differently, but we live and learn.

Concentrate on your son and I do think I would be very annoyed at that woman texting your husband and your Son finding it, that is awful and he should be ashamed.

Hannah

[Hols969 in reply to Photogeek]

Thank you Hannah - My hubbie is going to get his ar*e into gear that is for sure and support the family. I have also told him I dont want him telling our intimate stuff to his friend as it is not appropriate and makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it helped hugely writing it all down too but will definitely look to get relationship counselling as I think that will help too. Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

[WhiteAlice]

Hols969, your man did betray you. He gave what is yours exclusively to someone else. He used excuses for why he did. Your trust is shattered and the neighbor is still a neighbor. Counseling will help, but know this: your relationship & your life are changed now, even if you reconcile. You will have many diffucult decisions to make now. Take your time, feel what you feel, and put yourself & your child first. It feels like hell to be treated like that because of a partner's weakness. All couples have rough spots. That's when you turn to each other & try to work it out. When a partner goes running to the arms of someone else, it is shear cowardice. Good luck with this. Stay in touch with us.

[Hols969 in reply to WhiteAlice]

I know it can never be the same again which is really sad but after 24 years I think it's worth trying and if I can't get passed it then we will have to separate. All my friends and family are so shocked he did this as it is not him at all - but he did and I need to see if I can accept it. Thank you so much for replying it does help xx

[Buffy1943]

Hi Hols969 my father did this to my mother when I was 16, she forgave him once but not twice after 20 years of marriage. My opinion get rid of the treacherous scumbag and find someone who loves you and respects you. My mum did and she's been really happy. My mum and wonderful stepdad are celebrating 30 years this year.