Struggling.....but trying my best!!

[En1234]

Another morning and half way through my third week of training in my new job.

I am finding the learning quite daunting. There are so many different computer systems to get to know and we have had so much information thrown at us. The problem I have is that I learn a wee bit then we move on to something else. By the time we have moved on to something else and learned about another part of yet another system I have forgotten what I had learned earlier!! I do take notes and we have a manual that we can refer to. My notes are a bit of a mess to be honest and the manual is quite complicated. (Im sorry this all sounds so negative!). The people in the class are really lovely and I asked one of them yesterday how she thought I was getting on and she said she thinks I am doing just fine but I cant help thinking that because I felt I had to ask her in the first place suggests I know myself I am not doing as well. ??

The Trainer told me yesterday that I "make life really hard for myself". I am afraid I am SO low in confidence and self esteem that I am making it really noticeable that I am struggling a bit. I feel as though I am going in every day and plodding through it because I dont want to let people down. I hate the fact that folk will think "Oh here we go again, thats ANOTHER job she's left".

Another person has told me that once I actually leave the training room and the classroom environment, and actually start to get hands on and actually do the job for real, then it will become better and this is what I am trying to look towards. Each time I get or do something wrong in the class I get so down on myself because everyone else appears to be picking it up. The guy next to me yesterday actually fell asleep beside me, was snoring and I nudged him to waken him up because I didnt want him getting into trouble for sleeping in the class. This guy still managed to do everything right even though he slept through most of it. I, on the otherhand, was fully awake and STILL managed to get things wrong!!. I dont know what is wrong with me. I thought starting this new job would give me BACK my confidence but I feel as though every day I leave (and one day is starting to feel like a lifetime when I am there), another piece of my confidence has been taken away. I actually feel physically sick when I am in the class although to look at me you would think I was having a great time because obviously I dont WANT everyone to know how I am really feeling inside and this is putting an awful lot of pressure on me!

I will be getting my first wage this weekend and should be feeling really excited. I am beginning to wonder if I will every be truly happy anywhere again. (This has only happened to me in the last 6 months - If you could have seen me this time last year, you would not believe it was the same person. They say leaving a job and starting a new job is quite stressful, well I have left 3 jobs in the last 6 months and have had to put up with other things as well and I just feel mentally exhausted).

On a Friday, the Trainer normally has a one to one with everyone to discuss their progress and last Friday she actually said to me that she thought I was going to tell her that this was going to be my last day! I think she actually thinks herself that I am not suited to this work and is EXPECTING me to leave. I do want to keep trying. I dont believe the Trainer is very keen on me to be honest. She is also quite young herself and I noticed the other day when I asked her to help me with something she kept telling ME to "just refer to the manual and you will find the answers there" but whenever anyone else asked she was straight over beside them on her chair showing them the steps on the PC. She has a very good relationship with the others and although I do join in, I feel she doesnt have the same manner with me!

I feel as though I am stuck. If I dont go, I dont have a job and I am letting everyone down but if I do go I am struggling with confidence issues and the fear that I am making a fool of myself!!

Again, I have written this mainly for my own benefit, so please dont feel you need to respond. (It is a very long post I know!!)...

Love to you all and hope you are all doing OK today.

I am sorry if there is a lot of negativity surrounding this message but believe me, I really am trying. My bus is due in 10 minutes and my stomach is like a washing machine but I am trying to think of my first wage and the weekend is only 2 days away.......and it is my birthday on Saturday, so I will look forward to these things!!

Theresa

XXXXXX

[hypercat54]

Hi well done for persevering for so long as it's not easy. This is how I felt whilst training in my last job but was a lot better when actually doing the work.

I doubt whether you will on your own when you go live as there should be someone to ask questions of so try not to worry so much.

I would put a different spin on what your trainer said to you - she obviously knows you are struggling which is why think she said she thought you would be leaving.

Like you said it's only another 2 days until the weekend and your birthday so happy birthday for then and have a good break.

Things will get better. x

[En1234 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you. I actually cant wait to get out of the Classroom Training environment. The fact that you have experienced the same makes me feel a lot better. Mas Nurse said something interesting as well in her post about transferring negative feelings on to other people. I would be mortified if I thought I was doing this and never thought about it that way. I would say I was a nice person, very easy to get along with and usually a very confident person. That has definitely got me thinking. Maybe getting my first wage at the weekend will make it worthwhile. Going in tomorrow again (at least I am not as nervous about the building. I am managing to find my way around now without getting lost as much, so that is a bonus!!.. )

Thank you again for taking the time and hope you are feeling OK.

XXXX

[MAS_Nurse]

Hiya,

Hmm you do sound like your having a tricky time of it at the moment. It's very easy to presume what others may or may not be thinking about us, and to misinterpret their actions and body language. You may well be doing better than you think you are. You are not expected to be perfect or an expert, when you are just learning, so try not to put that pressure on yourself. Maybe because you are feeling so low and lacking confidence that you are projecting your feelings of negativity out onto others, and so they may be reacting or mirroring to that back to you unconsciously. Maybe it's time to try a different tack with yourself, and choose each morning to look yourself in the mirror and say something positive to yourself, like you would to a good friend who needs a boost. If necessary at work, act as if you are doing great, that you are an amazing person to know and be around, and that you are doing fine. By projecting a positive self-image and vibes, the others may start to respond positively to you.

It may be worth you trying out some CBT/talking therapies, to help you identify and address some of your negative patterns of thinking and behaviour, and equip yourself with some tools to help you. Also, try mindfulness at moments when you feel stressed and overwhelmed, to centre yourself, calm and refocus.

Just some thoughts!

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[En1234 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you for this. You have definitely given me food for thought but as usual, really good advice and I do appreciate it!!

XXXX

[Hidden]

Good Morning, there is always a steep learning curve when you start a new job but it will level out. There are a couple of things you said I would like to quote back at you:

"The people in the class are really lovely and I asked one of them yesterday how she thought I was getting on and she said she thinks I am doing just fine.."

Yes, you are doing fine !!

and this,

"Another person has told me that once I actually leave the training room and the classroom environment, and actually start to get hands on and actually do the job for real, then it will become better."

Spot on, it will all start to make sense when you put the training into practice.

Then,

"They say leaving a job and starting a new job is quite stressful."

Actually, it's very stressful, so if you stay in the same job that will relieve the stress.

And finally,

"I am trying to think of my first wage and the weekend is only 2 days away.......and it is my birthday on Saturday, so I will look forward to these things!!"

Damn right and absolutely correct !!! Party time !

Take care,

[En1234 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Sebastian!

Always good to hear from you. Only half way through the third week but I am going to start being a bit kinder to myself. The Trainer actually said today that if all of us were getting it right first time and doing really well from the word go then she would be out of job. I understand that we ARE allowed to make mistakes and sometimes this is the only way to learn.

Some people take information in very quickly but when they sit down to do the job, their mind goes blank. I tend to be a bit slower but once I have absorbed the information, it does tend to stick. I just want it to start "sticking" like....yesterday.

When I get my first wage at the weekend, at least I know I have worked hard for it!!

Thank you for your message and thank you for being a good friend!

I hope you are alright today!

XXXXXX

[Hidden]

I know full well that at 60, I cannot absorb new information as quickly as a twenty year old. It's not possible, especially with technology, which the younger generation are brought up with. So I don't even try to compare myself with them or compete, because I'd be setting myself up to fail and why would I do that? Focus on your strengths, your experience, your common-sense, your communication skills, etc - be the glue that binds the team together. I know 100% that will count for more and that is what managers value. Technical skills can be taught, personal qualities often cannot. Yes, you are right, be kinder to yourself - you deserve that. Thanks for asking after me - I'm doing ok, but sometimes the cloud of things I should have done differently makes it difficult to see the sun, so I try to distract myself by keeping busy, in the hope that time will create new happier memories to replace the bad ones. That's the plan anyway ! If that doesn't work, I'm not sure what Plan B is - eeek ! Take care,

[kellypmsw]

So much love to you after reading this.....employment is a huge struggle for me as well - lots of change and transition for multiple reasons and it can absolutely be tough to figure out where and how we fit in. I’m right there with you !