I am losing myself, make it st...

[Sunshine151515]

I am losing myself, make it stop. I just want to be genuinely happy. That’s the only thing i’ve ever wished for. I don’t want to feel the way i do. It’s like I can’t breathe

[hypercat54]

Hi did you see the replies you got on your first post? I was wondering if you followed up on any of the advice you were given or will be doing? x

[Sunshine151515 in reply to hypercat54]

Hey,

I am not at university right now. I’m back home. The break is going on so I can’t really benefit from all the things they provide us back at uni for now. I live in a different country so I can’t use those helpline numbers too for now, we don’t really have any in india i guess? And my parents aren’t supportive, i’ve mentioned going for therapy or getting a psychological opinion but they think i am fine and i am crazy for thinking there’s something wrong w me, so yeah

[hypercat54 in reply to Sunshine151515]

Do you need your parents to take you to therapy? Can't you take yourself without their knowledge? I presume you are at least 18 in which case you are an adult. x

[Sunshine151515 in reply to hypercat54]

I come from a small town. There’s no therapy available here and i do need the money for therapy. I don’t earn yet

[hypercat54 in reply to Sunshine151515]

Do you have to pay to see a general doctor as well? x

[Sunshine151515 in reply to hypercat54]

It’s complicated but I really appreciate your advice. xx

[Rm31 in reply to Sunshine151515]

Hey sister. I've been in your shoes. Every time I went to India from US I got paranoid episodes, just not feeling safe. And unable to trust anyone. It distorted my reality and sense of identity. I had literal panic attacks riding in the car on the road with my mother. My family didn't understand why I was so anxious. These things aren't treated sensitively usually in the east. Because these are "first world problems". Be that as it may, you can't fix them by hiding them or scolding them away. But it's a really tough pill to swallow in my culture.

When I came back I was exhilarated and felt safe and free and thought I overreacted. But you can't help it. There are many factors at work in that situation. My other international including Indian friends would have so much fun during their home visits. They couldn't relate to me. Hang in, keep talking to people here, write down what you feel, when you come back, call your insurance and check if they cover therapy. These days many student insurances do. If not, the uni will surely have a counsellor.

[Sunshine151515 in reply to Rm31]

It feels so good to read that someone finally understands what its like here in India. I’m gonna get help when i’m back in uni. Thankss, take care xx

[Rm31 in reply to Sunshine151515]

No problem. It gets better. Feel free to chat me up any time.

[Sunshine151515 in reply to Rm31]

Likewise

[Mary-intussuception]

X

[legyfc]

Hi nandini_, I empathise with your problem, having felt the same position a little over a year ago, but never the courage to post publicly, even in anonymous due to anxiety.

I notice that you used the word "genuinely". Does this mean you find yourself struggling with the creeping feeling that any happiness you experience is meaningless? If so, I'd like to share the solution I use/used. Put simply, it is acceptance. Acceptance that happiness in and of itself, along with everything else in life - including our existence itself - has no inherent meaning. The only way to know your life has any meaning is to make it before you die.

Back when I was in that place, I had a moment when I was seriously contemplating suicide, but ultimately decided against it. The main reason (99%) was the thought of the possibility of my mum and 11-year old sister ending up experiencing what I had up to that moment, which was the last thing I would want. If they weren't around, I might have decided otherwise. Nonetheless, the other 1% was the thought that between staying meaningless and creating meaning, creating meaning was best aligned with my principle of "everyone desires contentment of some sort, so act in ways that benefit the greater good in the long run". Of course, given how far down the rabbit hole I was, I never could have found acceptance without medication. I'm currently on an SNRI (I won't name it for the sake of keeping people unbiased), as I can't take SSRIs due to epilepsy, and I only even agreed to take it to combat the anger outbursts I was having, where I was breaking things all around the house, even putting dents in the walls. It was only thanks to the meds that I managed to make peace with myself and find acceptance, as I was refusing to go to therapy.

I suppose what I really want to say is this: I'd suggest therapy first if you're considering it, but keep in mind that even if it doesn't work there are other options. Remember that the brain processes information based on the chemicals it has at its disposal, and if the chemicals in your brain are as messed up as the ones in mine were, medication will help.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop taking them, but I'll almost certainly try reducing my dosage some day, as I'm currently taking more than half the maximum daily dose. I hope don't need them though, and wish you the best.

One last thing I forgot to mention, be sure to make peace with failure and loss while you're at it, so you'll be able to eventually die in contentment.

All the best.

[Sunshine151515 in reply to legyfc]

Hi, I am really really glad that you made it through and you’re doing better. Your words really make me think and my outlook on life. I’m going to go for therapy at my earliest convenience. Thank you for taking out the time to write this. You’re great. xx