Punishing Myself. Always A Screw Up. Am I Overthinking This?

[PalmtreePalmer]

A little bit of context and back story. I am a cadet at a military academy. This military academy is grades 7-12, and I am a 11th grader. I just finished my application to the Summer Leadership Experience at the United States Military Academy at West Point, of which 40% of the participants are accepted (it is an Ivy League school with a 10%- accpetion rate), and I am widely considered to be the "tryhard", or the "military boy." Of my school. I feel that everything I do to better myself socially, physically, and militarily just hits a wall.

I am not originally from my military academy. I was from another, but it shut down. I feel that a lot of cadets think that I "invaded" with my other friends from that school. We all got high-ranking positions, and I felt that we deserved it. People came to me, and actually broke down into tears because they had "worked so hard for the position [that I have] and they want [me] to step down." If I try to introduce something new to my unit, I am shut down by my leaders, and my leaders have tried to get me fired! I am picked on and berrated, and I have no authority over any of my cadets... I have tried to make friends, but it seems that when I fall back on my original set of friends that I had from my previous school, they are working out well and they are integrating well. A lot of kids don't want to be at this school. I do. I know how good it will be for me, and I get picked on all the time for that.

I am the type of person that will *NEVER* show my emotions in public. If anything, I may laugh at something they tell me or not respond. It is times like this, when I am sitting in front of my computer, Googling "Why am I such a screw up?" or the like, that I really get depressed. I punish myself. I am the guy that everyone watches, and every time I screw up, and every time I say something stupid, or I say a joke and it is met with silence, it just tears apart my soul. I can't stand it. I have talked for hours with my parents, but it doesn't do anything. I always say stupid things. I always screw up. I always do my best militarily, because that is the only thing I am good at, and I get screwed with for it.

My motivation to work out has been a major problem for me. I am 16, and I have spent upwards of 300 dollars of my own money on workout routines, and adjustable weights, and protein. I try this for a day or two, but then I quit. I beat myself up for that, too. I will never be like the 6'3'' (I'm 5'9'') FRESHMEN in my company, that get to push me around because they know I won't fight back. I won't respond. I may even laugh.

No one respects me, and I have six years more of this to go, plus a career in the military. I feel my entire life collapsing around me as people take no time to remind me how much I am hated because I am not like everyone else, and that I have aspirations. I can't focus on them, because I always have people messing with me. How am I going to survive at West Point? How can I get myself motivated to work out? Every day I miss... I just feel that failure weigh me down... any words of wisdom?

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Palmtree Palmer

Thank you for your message and welcome to this forum. You sound such a genuine and hardworking person. You are obviously a high achiever. Well done for all you have done. Please remember that you are human and have needs and emotions like all of us. You say that you never show emotions, but it is OK to show emotions this is not a weakness indeed it can show great strength to express these things.It may be the regime at your academy that is making this difficult for you. Does the academy have anyone like a doctor or counsellor that you can talk with in confidence?

You are right to talk with your parents. What is their response?

If things are really difficult it may be worth taking a short break, may be at home, here you can see a doctor and get some independent support.

It can be helpful to write things down too.

The topics and pinned posts have useful information and details with crisis websites and helplines.

Our members are very supportive, so may have more that they can share with you.

Please remember that is a great strength that you have that enabled you to share this with us and maybe you could tell us more.

Best wishes

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to MAS_Nurse]

I live at this school, and my next break is in two months...

[rsw0520]

Hey! I think they are trying to break you. You are probably a threat to their standing at school so they harass you. I think once you get to West Point things will change. If you ever need to vent, or chat, you are among people who will be there when you need some support. Keep your chin up!

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

That' what my parents have been saying. Thank you.

[rsw0520 in reply to PalmtreePalmer]

I can tell you are not a failure. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly makes you feel like a failure? Is it just everything?

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

A major thing is working out. I always figured, (because my dad is a businessman), that I would take my money seriously, and I would not let it go to waste. Like I outlined, I have spent upwards of 300 dollars on protein and stuff, and it is gathering dust. I have great genetics. Great build, but I am lazy. I am not motivated. Every day that I miss that shceduled time to work out, I just feel so defeated. I can't get anything done because, internally, my leaders are trying to block me from achieving greatness. From the outside, it looks like I am not doing my job. I will never get the position I want my senior year because these people are making it look like I don't do anything.

[dore13]

Respect starts with yourself. If you let yourself be pushed around, that is what you will be known for. It is not your fault that your military academy closed, you earned a place at West Point, if others blame you because their friends didn't make the cut, they are projecting their bad feelings on you. These are toxic people, ignore them, close off your world to them. Even when they try to exacerbate your errors to make you look bad. What matters is what you think of yourself, don't let another person make that decision for you, you decide ! No one else! Remember, you got into a very prestigious military academy. When ever I felt I was in over my head, I focused on working hard, and nothing else. I shut out the negative people I was around, and it was pretty gratifying when I got a lead position, because once I was the top dog, no one could bad mouth me or talk me down, I walked the walk, I believe you can do the same. Believe in yourself, you may find it suits you! Good Luck!

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to dore13]

I am not an angry person. I will never show anger in public. My guys don't listen, and I pretend to be mad at them, but in reality, I'm not really mad at them, I just want to listen. Anyways, respecting myself is hard because I can't find a weak point to break out of this box that I find myself in. If I don't combat what they say, or try to do better, the faculty will think i'm not doing my job because I am not getting anything done. In reality, people just don't like me and don't LET me get anything done.

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to PalmtreePalmer]

If I fight them (which will definetly make them stop), I will get fired.

[dore13]

LOL! I am Not saying physically fight them, I am saying mentally. If they hassle you, don't react, ignore if you can. I shut down to point where I had tunnel vision, I saw only what I needed to see to get the job done. I proved my worth through the actions that led to success, that is what I mean. One other thing, their opinions mean nothing in your world, unless you give them power to hurt you. If someone means nothing to you, why should their opinion matter at all.

[MustBeAWay]

You're winning, but you need to speak up for yourself.

[rsw0520]

Hey! How’s it going? What’s up? Feeling up or down? Have you been going to the gym? Have an awesome day!

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

I have not been going to the gym, and I have picked up my weights once. I feel horrible. I knock things over at rifle team practice and they have to call a cease fire to let me pick up my bullets. Its always "Oh, look! Palmer screwed up again!" I don't like this. I don't like being the one always being laughed at. I want to laugh at someone. I want to be the mean person for once and actually experience some dominance for once. I can't handle it. I shoot worse and worse because I'm so afraid I am going to screw up. People are passing me. I used to take solice in Rifle Team, and now people that have never shot before are passing me. I am still top 5, but I hate being passed by the people I hate.

[rsw0520]

Hey! How’s it going? Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I had a death in the family. How is school going? Are you working out? Sometimes you just got to do it, and screw the people talking about you.

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

It's gotten worse. Gradually.

[rsw0520 in reply to PalmtreePalmer]

Is there anything I can do? Hang in there!

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

Taking melatonin for stress-induced insomnia now

[rsw0520 in reply to PalmtreePalmer]

Is it working? I hope so. How much longer till spring break?

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

One week.

[rsw0520 in reply to PalmtreePalmer]

Are you on break yet? I hope you are doing better. How’s the insomnia?

[PalmtreePalmer in reply to rsw0520]

Just got back the day that you responded. It helped. It's good to have a break.

[Hidden]

I just want to say that any parent would be happy to have a son like u. Life is not easy.. especially being a kid in todays world. Not everyone finds where they belong .. when they r young.Sounds like u might be a threat to the others at ur school because of how good u r.Dont let them take u down...mentally or physically for that matter. Sounds like a lot of childish bullies. Do u have a pet ? They r great for a lot of different situations. Focus on today and what gets u through today.. if that means having some fast food u like.. do it. If u want to lay around on your time off.. and play video games.. do it. Give urself a break.. be a kid...life goes by too fast. Just know everyone here has ur back and is always here to lend and ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Hold ur head up.. and don't let these miserable other kids get you down. You will figure ur life out when its meant to be. Best of luck to ya!!

P.S> My son is ur age .. school has been a struggle because of bullies and some of ur issues ur dealing with. He tells me the same things u mentioned in ur post... guess what..bottomline.. your both gonna do great in life.. and we all don't have the answers.