I hate myself

[clairemaira]

Hello everybody,

I just found out about this website and here is my first post. I am particularly in distress right now and cant see any hope.

I am having a very very bad moment lately and I am very confused. I am French and moved to Scotland about a year ago as I fell madly in love with a guy that I met when I was on holidays over there. Everything was perfect but until the moment I knew I was moving with him, I just became very difficult to live with and very demanding.

Before this relationship, I stayed in a relationship for 2 years and a half with a guy who made me fall into hard drugs. It was only a few months before I engaged myself in this other relationship.

I know I should have probably wait and not move with him straight but I was so in love with him that I didnt want to wait and then I ruined everything.

I have some issues with my mental health since I am 13/14 which is the moment where my mum left me and my sister to live by ourselves, as she became very depressed after her divorce. I am now talking to my mum but I can still feel that something is wrong. I am not a person who is used to talk about her personal problems and plus I am a good student so nobody was ever worried about me and the last thing I want is to make my relatives worried. Not because I am too proud to talk about it but just because I cant really trust them after what happened. My sister has now her own family and doesnt want to have anything to do with me/us and I have no contact with my dad at all.

Because of that, I made my boyfriend my main confidant, which was quite stressful for him as I never got the opportunity to talk to anybody before. He got depressed because of me being sad. Plus I am very demanding as I am always afraid of rejection.

Now he doesnt want to see my anymore and got over me. He was the best person I never met and I hate myself for loosing him. I know its my fault as I cant control my feelings and sometimes screams for no reason. I feel like I am a monster who ruined his life. I am almost 24 which is young but I am already fed up with everything.

I need help and I dunno what to do. I feel ridiculous as its all my fault.

[clairemaira]

I tried to see psychiatrists when I was younger but It never went well as I always felt judge. They gave me also antidepressants on different occasions but I always made things worse. I feel like there is no solution for me.

Plus he asked me to move away and I have no money to afford a flat which is making things extremely difficult.

[Hidden]

Oh dear it sounds like you are having a hard time at the moment. I know what you have said but there are different types of therapy available such as CBT. It does sound like you have issues that you need to deal with. Why don't you go and have a chat with your gp and explain what has happened in the past and ask him/her if there are other treatments available to you. You don't say how many different types of ad's you tried. Perhaps there is one more suitable to you. I tried a couple before I found one which helped. I take sertroline now.

[Gambit62]

Try not to be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes as we go through life and ironically, the more we beat ourselves up about them the longer it takes to recover from them. Try not to look at them as mistakes but as opportunities to learn - part of life's journely

Losing your mother in the way you did at such a young age must have been really hard and it sounds as if there may be issues around that that you haven't managed to deal with and as a result that are continuing to cause you problems. It certainly seems to have made you very insecure in your relationships. I know you are now talking to your mother again ... but still it must have felt like she had died but you couldn't actually go through the grieving process because she wasn't dead and you had to get on with keeping yourself alive. In any case it was a period of massive change for you and change is always hard and may be you haven't quite managed to go through all of the steps you need to - denial, anger, acceptance and then enthusiasm (where you can really move on) ... and that may be stopping you from really being able to get on with life.

You mention psychiatrists - have you ever seen a counsellor - they aren't the same though different counsellors will have different approaches - some just listen - giving you the space to vent - and other's are more like coaches - suggesting ways of changing how you think and what you do. It may be that you need both.

I presume that your mother still lives in France ...

You could try going to see either the local housing association or even citizen's advice to see what your options are regards finding accommodation.

Sure others will have other suggestions.

[faceless65]

Hi clairemaria

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and that you are suffering so much. As you say, it unfortunately doesn't help that you have no family support.

First I want to applaud you in finding the courage to talk to us about your situation and that in itself is a big step forward. Unfortunately we are not professionals, but we are all here to help and support in any way we can.

Love has a lot to answer for in many ways. Like you say you fell in love wih this man, and that moving in with him seemed the best thing for you to do, although at the time it also made you nervous. You can't put all the blame on yourself though, like you are doing. It sounds like you have been on a real rollercoaster ride what with the problems your mum had and the fact that she left both you and your sister. Can I ask the reason why your sister doesn't want anything to do with you?

Considering everything that you have been through, you have done well to have continued with your studies, it proves that you are a strong person, although you at this moment in time do not feel that you are.

I know you say you feel that in the past you sought help with your mental health issues and you felt like you were being judged. Please, if you have a doctor, go and talk to him/her. They will not judge you in any way. I have suffered from depression for many many years and I have had to seek help and trust me, things are beginning to change in the attitudes of mental health now, so please find the courage to discuss things with your doctor.

I am sorry that your boyfriend has asked you to leave, perhaps try talking to him and asking him to give you a little more time to seek the help you need. If not, then again perhaps discuss this with your doctor and he may be able to guide you to who may be able to help if you have no family to help you.

Sorry if I sound like I have gone on and on!

Remember in he meantime, if you need to talk or vent, do so on here like you have and you'll get plenty of support.

Take care and I really hope you manage to sort things out.

Tracy x

[Suzie40]

Bonjour and welome to the site. I'm glad you've joined. You've got lots and lots stacked against you and it's no wonder you're feeling down. Moving to a new country is, itself, a huge life changing event. Especially having left behind family and friends.

I understand how difficult it is to live with someone. All of my relationships have ended when I've tried to move in with them. I think some people are just meant to be on their own. I don't mean on their own as in forever single, but lots of people find living with a partner impossible.

It's only natural that as a result of your Mum abandoning you, you become attached to people very quickly. That's doesn't make you a bad person, it's just the way it has turned out for you.

You're not a monster, you're absolutely not. You strike me as a very honest and brave young lady who has struggled with a lot.

I'm assuming you're registered with a GP etc here? Have you been to see them t talk about how you're feeling? In the meantime there are lots and lots of lovely people on this forum who you chat to whenever you need or want xx

[Suzie40]

PS ... Je peut parler un tres petit peu de francais si c'est plus facile pour vous? Actuellement, je ne le parle pas depuis quinze ans, donc peut être pas! x

[clairemaira]

Thank you all for your answers, it made me feel much better. As advised, I think im going to seek for professional help but im not too sure where to go. I have a gp but hes very far as I moved at one of my friends at the moment