It's Scary What A Smile Can Hide

[MyMania]

It’s Scary What A Smile Can Hide

I say that I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, I do, but I’m afraid of your reaction. I’m afraid that you will never see me as an equal again. I’m afraid of the pity in your eyes when you realize how screwed up I am.

It has gotten to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore. I constantly feel like I am on the verge of breaking. I feel like I’m going crazy, and if my mind is an ocean, my thoughts are a tsunami. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I can’t even think straight, I am a mess. I’m coming apart at the seams and it scares me.

I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest. It has changed me into something I never meant to be. It has transformed me into a person I do not recognise; But I don’t know how to let it go.

Stop asking if I’m ok. I’m tired of lying.

Sometimes, I feel like nobody likes me, nobody wants me, nobody needs me and nobody cares.

I stopped being me such a long time ago I can’t even remember who that was. I don’t know where to go, what to feel, what to do or who I am. They say “ Follow Your Heart” but if your heart is in a million pieces which piece do you follow?

[Krazie]

MyMania, you have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself through writing. You have told us, in your writing, the million pieces of your heart. Now, you have just spoken in the present tense. You have told us what it is like to be you. And I am glad you have done that. Getting it all out can have revitalizing effect.

There is no pity in my eyes. I never pity anyone. I may feel compassion, and empathy, but never pity.

I like you; I like the person you have shown us through your writing. I want you to continue to write in your wonderfully, unique way. Everyone on this earth is needed, and that includes you. I care about you, and I bet others here care about you, also.

All of us are here because we have suffered a deep pain. We are in different stages of recovery, but we are all here because we are seeking support, and validation.

The mind is the greatest tool we have to aid in our recovery. To try to rid ourselves of all the demons of the past at once is too great a task. Often we need the guidance of a really good therapist. Often we need medication to help calm ourselves while we take on the tremendously huge mission of healing ourselves.

MyMania, it can be done. I have walked through the fire, and came out on the other side. So can you.

Keep writing and telling us about yourself. We want to help. We care about what happens to you. Blessings are on their way.

[Memyselfandi82]

This is words of true depth This is exactly how I feel. Please talk to someone. So good at giving advice aren't we but not good or never ever listen. I hope you find peace in who you are. Totally understand about becoming someone else. I don't like who I've become but it's been so so long and I know that no one can help me. Talking isn't for me. Plenty of lovely people on here who can give better advice than me I just wanted to let you know I've read your post and I feel for you. X

[Krazie]

Remember lin62? She had some really good comments to make. It might be worthwhile to go back and read her posting to you.

[Countrygirl32]

Omg your post is exactly me.. to a tee you just described me.. I do hope that you find yourself and that everything works out for you.. if you do find yourself plz share on how you did so because I dont know that i can. Xo

[Hidden]

Yep..this is also me, word by word...you write amazing...