PTW....To meet or not?

[I_Hate_Me_2]

My Grandad (who wasn’t nice to me as a child) wants to do a reunion.

I feel bad talking to him. I can’t forgive him for all he did. If I’m honest I am doing it to please him. Not me. Now he is saying he wants me to see him, my cousins and my aunt and uncle who haven’t seen me in many years.

I’m not sure what to do. Go and keep him happy or not go and upset everyone else.

I’m not in a good place at the moment and not wanting to face things like this but feel bad as I know he won’t accept me not coming.

My mind is boggling and don’t want it to be topic of convo all the time. Yet I can’t tell them all what is going on for me. Now it sounds like I am selfish.

[hypercat54]

Hi if you want to meet him then do, but if you don't then don't. Don't go just to make him happy or anyone else. It's your life so put yourself first. x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

Just have a gut feeling that things won’t be good and all the past is going to be bought up. It was before once when I saw my g/dad before and he just kept saying sorry and changed the subject. Family has always been dysfunctional and arguments that haven’t ever been resolved x

[hypercat54 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

I wonder if you are torn between wanting resolution but not the aggro? This can be a difficult decision and only you can make it. From my own experiences though there might not be any and there does come a point when you are just banging your head against a wall. Difficult.

When you please others instead of yourself it might seem like the easy short term solution but in the long term it's only damaging you. Now might be the time to make a stand. Do remember though that you can't get blood out of a stone. There comes a point when you have to accept that you can't get love and approval from those who are unable (or unwilling) to give it and to seek it elsewhere instead. x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

He wants us (my g/dad) to all see each other and get along before he dies. He has numerous health conditions. Both my g/dad and uncle wasn’t nice to me as a child. I am not wanting it to be done to please them as I know I will be the one hurt and left reeling after seeing them and have everything all bought up. I am hearing you and you are right there. Too many years have been lost to hurt and upset and the thought of all that happening again is worrying for me x

[hypercat54 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

I am not surprised as that would worry anyone. There is a middle way if you are able to do it and that is to go but refuse to talk about the past. When they bring it up just say calmly that is in the past and you have moved on past it. This isn't easy I know but it will be setting some boundaries. Instead keep the talk light and discuss happier events in the past.

Good luck with your decision. x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you hypercat54 that makes sense and a good idea to do. Then in that way they know they don’t have the hold on me that they once did. All of them.

Your replies mean a lot so thank you x

[hypercat54 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

Been there done that with my family. I was able to finally set some boundaries with them (especially my mother) and just refused to go there any more. Their power over me was lost, but the downside was that I was excluded a bit then but that's fine with me. x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

I think I need to take a leaf out of your book as the saying goes. It’s encouraging that you were able to set boundaries with your mum x

[hypercat54 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

Well it did take years and living away from my family for a long time. When I returned to live near them I was an adult and had coped with a lot worse than them! x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

Looking to get place of my own soon. As I am right here in the place that a hold is still on me x

[hypercat54 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

Oh yes move away as soon as possible. When you have put some physical distance between you it is easier to put emotional distance too. x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

That is one of the things I need to sort out.

[Dolphin14 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

When my sister was dieing of cancer she wanted more than anything to have me re unite with my younger sister who I struggled with because she was toxic for me.

I had to tell my sister point blank that just because she was ill was not going to make a difference in my choices. I told her the " old me" would have done it to please her. But I was two years into my healing process and was not going backwards for her.

She was upset at first. However, I just told her she could not dictate my life.

I agree with hyper cat on all that she has said. hypercat has " been there " someone that has been through it can see a clearer picture I think.

You have to look deep inside yourself for the answer to the question. There's no right or wrong, it's about you.

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thanks Dolphin14. Its bad that so many know and been there. But the support here is immense and so much understanding.

When I start my therapy I know as hard as it will be will have to face up to it all and also not allow those toxic to keep such a hold on me.

[hypercat54 in reply to I_Hate_Me_2]

Therapy can be very painful as your mind has protected itself from the pain but I think it is the best way to let it out in a safe place. Therapy helped me a lot so hopefully it will you too. x

[hypercat54 in reply to Dolphin14]

Well done my friend for sticking to your guns. This will strengthen and sustain you. x

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you very much. I’m due September/October to start. Was asked to start early but wouldn’t get full amount of time because at the assessment they were worried to have me wait to get the full amount x

[hypercat54 in reply to Dolphin14]

I am so sorry about your sister though. x

[Dolphin14 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you hypercat. There were 8 kids in my family. We were 15 years apart so we never grew up knowing each other.

We bonded down the road and were very close. Big loss for me. But I have good memories of our time together.

Major dysfunction everywhere in my family, thanks to my mother. So sad really. But, at least two of us ended out knowing what sibling love was all about.

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

That’s a big family Dolphin14. So sad you lost your sister. That’s one thing no one take from you no matter what happens. Memories will always be with you.

[Dolphin14]

Follow your heart and your gut instinct. Be true to yourself.

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you Dolphin14. It’s so easy to please others and as a result it hurts you more.

[Tutttutt]

I would say stay strong and try to forgive as hard as it may be. I’ve heard of people doing this forgiveness thing and has helped them move forward in their life. Do what you feel is right for you and not for others with regards to meeting up with him. You get one chance at life don’t let others bring you down your not here to please others also try not dwell in the past instead learn from experiences good or bad and look to a brighter future. I hope what ever you decide it works in your favour 💕

[I_Hate_Me_2 in reply to Tutttutt]

Thank you so much Tutttutt your words mean a lot to me.