It's such a cruel punishment. There's no rashes, no fever, no blood tests to send people running in concern, just the slow erosion of ones self. It's so insidious. It is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on it. I know what it's like to be afraid of you own mind, Im always stuck in here having sleepless nights behind me with restless days before me. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me, I'll lay staring at the ceiling until my eyes are burning red, tears streaming down my face as my body fills up with anger, resentment towards myself, just because I have to live with this. This is who I am. It is torture really especially when the rest of the world is asleep and you're up all alone, your mind going crazy for hours on end and then all of a sudden, it comes to a stand still. During that moment it's when you realise how alone you really are. I don't think people know how it can turn your mind into thoughts into you wish weren't yours. Whats worse is I can see my demons in the dark. They know my name, my face, how I tick... We've been friends for a long time. The one thing you shouldn't be left alone with at night is your own thoughts, they eat you alive until the morning.
Im tired of the sleepless nights, my thoughts, my illness. My mind and body can't take it. If this is what I have to go through for the rest of my life, what chance did I have in the first place? I know it's hard for people to understand, to stay with me when Im like this but you can walk away from what I say, from what I do. I'm left there in my mind, left in all that confusion that I have to deal with. It does feel like eternal hell. Not knowing what Im going to be like day to day, hour to hour. Hurting because I hurt the ones I love the most. I have alot of hatred for myself but I also have much more love to give. You feel misunderstood. Analyze everything. Then you self medicate and hurt yourself and you feel shame, guilt.
It is literally living with confusion. It's purely black and white thinking. It's either good or bad, all or nothing. I dont have an internal governor, i can do deep love and immense rage pretty much simultaneously.
Ive always been torn between wanting to tell my story and letting them know exactly what is going on in my head or keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy can push people away, no matter if they say they're always there to listen. There's only so much your best friends can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend you're happy and everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; it is to ignore who you are and what you're going through. So, the questions is, which is better? To have friends who think you're melodramatic, pessimistic and seeking attention or to drown in your own mind? I can't stand my hypersensitivity. Constantly wanting to be reminding that you're loved, that you're wanted, that you're actually needed and if you don't get that then, its like the flick of a switch, all goes out. Black and white thinking is the bane of my life. It is so hard to trust anyone because you are so scared they're just going to walk out on you. That's it. Just gone, left you after everything they said and done for you. How I see it is, Im brilliant with beginning but endings I always seems to destroy everything, including myself and my relationships.
The impulsive side of BPD has pretty much ruined me. It's got me in debt, ruined friendships, relationships, got myself in states... You name it, it's happened. Just like now, Im telling all of you on an impulse because I need to sleep. I think this is a very good idea but Im terrified it'll backfire. So many factors come into play with me writing this post!
I recently got rejected for a specific therapy which specializes in personality disorders because I don't self harm. Now I hold this close to my heart as I used to self harm. I went through therapy, got diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. I'm now having to go private for my therapy. I have no problem with this but, the thing that annoys me the most is diagnosis for mental illnesses is on the rise and it seems no one is willing to help on a professional level until it's too late. You have to be in "Crisis".
The brain is a body part too. Just because it doesn't appear physically broken doesn't mean the person doesn't feel it. Struggling with mental illness is isolating whether you have one or you're caring for someone who suffers with one.
As you can tell by all of this, its 5am. I haven't slept. I probably wont sleep and this probably makes no sense but thats what happens when you have an episode!