The worst part of self destruction is that you are fully aware of it but there is nothing you can do to stop it. I’m stuck between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it. I’m somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.
How much pain do you have to go through until giving up is okay? There comes a point where you no longer care if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or not. Your just sick of the tunnel. It’s hard to get rid of the demons inside you, because they were holding you when nobody else did.
Emotionally I’m done. Mentally, I’m drained. Spiritually, I’m dead and physically I just smile. I’m afraid because I know I can’t fight forever, I feel like I’m waiting for something that is never going to happen.
Depression is so underrated. Do you have any idea what it is like to not want to get out of bed in the morning, not wanting to go and deal with all the bullshit outside your bed? Do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you? How about what is like to be repulsed by things you used to love? To feel lost and not really knowing if there is a way out? To not have the strength to feel like you can make it through the whole day, let alone the next one without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel at all? To have everyone constantly asking if your ok until it gets to the point where no one asks, making you wonder if they don’t notice or just don’t care? To have no energy or determination to do anything? To feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have control over nothing? To know you don’t belong? To be hurting constantly? To know there is no one to save you from the way you feel.
People think depression is about being sad. They think its just when you “feel down”. It’s not, it’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. Its not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no color. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When your depressed, its not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there is no hope left.