Self Destruction

[MyMania]

Self Destruction

The worst part of self destruction is that you are fully aware of it but there is nothing you can do to stop it. I’m stuck between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it. I’m somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.

How much pain do you have to go through until giving up is okay? There comes a point where you no longer care if there is a light at the end of the tunnel or not. Your just sick of the tunnel. It’s hard to get rid of the demons inside you, because they were holding you when nobody else did.

Emotionally I’m done. Mentally, I’m drained. Spiritually, I’m dead and physically I just smile. I’m afraid because I know I can’t fight forever, I feel like I’m waiting for something that is never going to happen.

Depression is so underrated. Do you have any idea what it is like to not want to get out of bed in the morning, not wanting to go and deal with all the bullshit outside your bed? Do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you? How about what is like to be repulsed by things you used to love? To feel lost and not really knowing if there is a way out? To not have the strength to feel like you can make it through the whole day, let alone the next one without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel at all? To have everyone constantly asking if your ok until it gets to the point where no one asks, making you wonder if they don’t notice or just don’t care? To have no energy or determination to do anything? To feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have control over nothing? To know you don’t belong? To be hurting constantly? To know there is no one to save you from the way you feel.

People think depression is about being sad. They think its just when you “feel down”. It’s not, it’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. Its not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no color. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When your depressed, its not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there is no hope left.

[sweetiepye]

Hello, I have been reading your posts since you joined and I admit I am confused by them. They sound as if they are written by several different people. There are many inconsistencies and some miss information. I feel like you are struggling to find yourself and answers to your illness. Not everyone experiences depression in the same way, or to the same degree. I think if you put down your own experiences and feelings it would make it easier to understand and help you. Getting to know you is something I would like to do. Pam

[Atenns2 in reply to sweetiepye]

"Not everyone experiences depression in the same way, or to the same degree". That's the problem. Doctors painfully claim they understand. But they don't. Only one who is depressed knows the pains. And the pains are nearly indescribable but you'll jump in front to stop a healthy person who is wanting to try it because the pain is so severe you dint even wish it for people like you. This person describes what many who are depressed go through and all you go saying is to deny what he is saying. I'd never wish totake my life for the sake of me, my family & my God. But did you ever take minute to ponder why someone who seems all right & nice took their own life? You ever thought seriously what could drive a seemingly nice person to take their own life. Depression sufferers would connect largely to what he is going through. Pls iadvice that you become more sensitive, inquisitive, & thoughtful if you are to help any person suffering depression around you. Thank you.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Atenns2]

To be fair I think this replier (sweetiepie) is referring to the volume (number) and content of the posts of this person.( _ My Mania ) There are many many!!!

I myself am starting to feel like they are essays or copied from somewhere as there are so many different topics covered.

Yes this one I felt was accurate for someone suffering from depression but who is behind the username Mymania I am starting to ask myself as all the posts are completely impersonal and more like newsletter articles. Please reveal yourself mymania ! : ) Tell us about you and what is behind all of this.

Gemma x

[MyMania in reply to Stilltrying_]

I've been typing up my journals from the last 2 years. And just been putting my stories and struggles out there that I have never shared before and posting as I type them up. Sorry for any confusion.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to MyMania]

That's fine and that makes sense. Thanks for your honesty and wishing you all the best in your writing. Hope you are keeping well right now

[sweetiepye in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you Gemma for the support. You said it so much better than I did. Pam

[sweetiepye in reply to Atenns2]

My post was intended to help MyMania cut to chase so to speak. Dancing around a subject instead of getting to the point doesn't help anyone. I think Atenns2 you might take your own advice in the way you respond to people. I suffer from Major Depression and have experienced 3 suicides in my family. I hope that is enough to qualify me in your eyes to voice my opinion. MyMania is more than capable of speaking for him/her self and doesn't need anyone to clobber other posters. Yes, I feel clobbered. Pam

[Atenns2 in reply to sweetiepye]

Sweetie I apologize to you. I never intended to Clobber you at all. I am sorry about the suicides in your family and pray that God will heal you of the pains. I connected to some of Mania's symptoms and matter of factly thought you were a Doctor. Please feel encouraged as always. Very sorry & much thanks for wanting to help here.

[sweetiepye in reply to Atenns2]

I appreciate your apology . It's never an easy thing to do, but I have had much experience having to do so myself. I am quite amazed you thought I might be a Doctor. I have very conflicted opinions about them. Some are wonderful and as rare as hens teeth, others just take up space. Suicide is something I rarely speak of. It is so devesting to families. Every holiday or family get together we talk about our missing loved ones and wonder why we didn't see they were troubled and feel the guilt that never leaves I think of them every day when I pray . I want you to know that I take your last sentence very seriously, It is something I need to keep in mind. Pam

[Hidden]

I understand you 100percent...keep writing... I can't write like you and hold everything inside me ..reading your posts it's like me getting it out..I resonate so much.. hopefully we can get some answers from others.. I hope this is helping you too..

[Florida1959]

I think depression takes many forms , leading to confusion, your journals seem like a good way of expression, I use them too, there is always hope, who do you talk to?

[Memyselfandi82]

Your words said it in an amazing way. I didn't think anything except how well you write and how well you can express your words. I even showed my partner. Take care my mania. I agree fully with sweetie pie about doctors and I'm sorry for your loss sweetie pie. Love and hugs to all..xx

[oil70]

Depression really sucks brother. .so is having no control over your life. ..but your know what no one really has control..they just kid themselves that they do...how about being addicted for 35 years and I just cannot get free. I feel your pain. ..try not to isolate and don't give up. ..you never know how things can turn around even if you cannot see any solutions right now doesn't mean you won't find one!

[Hidden]

I feel so many of the same emotions, concerns, and doubts you have. It does seem that you use writing as an outlet. Was that something you naturally fell into?