There's a girl, I know her from my past, she tells me she ants to run away and ants me to save her. Later she calls me and says her dad is hurting her, she wants me to call her back because he is on the line and can hear her. I try to call her on a number she give me but I cant remember the number. I keep dialing but cant get through, I fail her.
I cant help myself - I am everyone in my dream and I cant help her.
Sertraline 100mg helps while I'm awake but when I'm asleep its impossible to maintain balance. My subconscious is out to get me.
Yesterday I had a diciplinary at work - Ironic really as it was for lateness to work, previously allowed as I tried to kill myself - as I changed jobs and was late cos of the bus. Apparently this one occasion gave them reason to bring up all my history and screw me over with it. I took it well and even managed to deal with the stress in a pretty managed way.
As soon as I sleep however, the fear, the self hatred, the hopelessness and inability comes flooding in. I'm so tired but I dont want to sleep, I dont want to face this avalanche that waits. I'm on these drugs to shut it out - I need to speak to someone, I know. I just keep pussying out of going through with it. That and I know if I talk about it I'll have to deal with it. I just want to block it all out, build a brick wall around it and let the weeds grow around it.
Anyone else have these kinds demons that wont bugger off?