What to do when family members are toxic.... please help

[Sunshine425]

Trying to make positive changes in my life. One thing I had to do was work on my relationships with my future in laws. My fiancés sister has been toxic in our lives. I can tell she means well but shes constantly guilt tripping my fiancé. She vents to me when shes angry with him and expects me to take it. He doesnt do anything wrong. She expects him to be available 24/7. She blew up our phones while we were both at work today. You would have thought it was an emergency... but it was over plans for the weekend needing to be the way she wanted it. She never allows us to have peace. I do not know what to do as I dont want this to be a burden in our life. It gives me such anxiety. I cant even sleep sometimes after a visit with her. I explain how I feel and that there needs to be boundries set but then she just iqnores me..... and soon calls my fiancè for another favor...again..thinking he can answer 24/7. Countless times she calls when she knows we are on a dinner date. Is this unhealthy or am I over reacting?

[Dolphin14]

I agree with you that something is wrong here.

How does your fiancé feel about this? Have they had a discussion about boundaries?

I've learned through therapy that setting boundaries is very difficult for the recipient to accept. They are used to certain behavior and are taken aback when things change. Has the relationship between her and your fiancé always been this way? With her being able to reach out whenever and he responds quickly each time? If so, this is all new to her.

Are you and your fiancé on the same page with this? That she's sort of overbearing?

I think he needs to have a discussion with her also. Discuss boundaries. Mayb more of the voice needs to come from him?

Once you decide on the boundaries you have to stick with it. Be firm in what you can and can't do for her.

She needs to accept the change in relationship. It may be hard at first but she will have to get used to your relationship with her brother being his priority.

[Sunshine425 in reply to Dolphin14]

Yes he has felt really stressed out but also sort of normalized her behavior. He didnt realize that setting boundries could be an option. And says that shes always been a diva and everyone gives in. Shes always getting what she wants because its easier for the family to keep her happy. She is 30 years old... has many groups of friends and a great job. Shes also in a relationship. I constantly wonder what is so wrong in her life that she acts this way? I agree this is an issue he needs to deal with. She resented me for the first 3 years and treated us like shit. I asked her to be in wedding because I felt if I hadnt our relationship would never improve. Wondering if I made a big mistake by making that move! She is so bossy and demanding

[Sunshine425 in reply to Sunshine425]

Thank you so much for your reply! My anxiety is through the roof tonight. We are seeing her tomorrow and im really nervous ill end up having a bad time at an event that is suposed to be fun. Also she iqnored my last texts where I was super sweet. But then called my fiancè 2 hours later so I know she saw my msg... ugh and hes helping her move sunday. He was very good about saying hed help her but that it had to be when it was a good time for him. Seems they had a break through with compromising for the very first time but it was after the blow up of texts and her sending texts guilt tripping. She constantly complains hes not involved enough yet he visits family every holiday, birthday, etc and once a month for family dinner. Isnt that supposed to be enough when were busy adults?

[hypercat54 in reply to Sunshine425]

Hi I agree that she sounds like a nightmare. Do you have to see much of her though? You are in love with her brother and not her after all. She might come as part of the package but it doesn't mean she has to be in your life much.

I would get your bf to put aside a set time to see her but make it clear you don't want to be involved. Maybe she just wants some alone time with her brother?

You are his priority now though. When you think she is going to bother you turn off your phones and don't answer. x

[Sunshine425 in reply to hypercat54]

I am ok being in her life and he does take time every now and again to see her alone. I make efforts to be busy when she comes over to give them space to talk. Weve been seeing her more and ive asked her to be in my wedding which now she feels like were best friends so she depends on me as well.... but I need my fiancé to set the boundries. Him and I are on the same page. I just dont know what is wrong with her! Constant drama, and snapping at us...

[Sunshine425 in reply to Sunshine425]

Seems like her parents created a monster. I know that is harsh but she was also first grandchild and got whatever she wanted... she is 30 now and has so many friends and a good job and a great support system. Her and her brother are complete opposites. Hes laid back and very independent.

[hypercat54 in reply to Sunshine425]

The trouble is she now seems to think you want her in your life all the time. Some people once you give them an inch they take a mile and she is one of those. The only thing you can do is back away and avoid seeing her as much as possible. Don't invite her back to yours maybe and arrange for your bf to go to hers or out with her instead. She is treating your home as hers so you have to start setting out boundaries otherwise she will be the 3rd person in your relationship. x

[Sunshine425 in reply to hypercat54]

Its already felt like that. She never wants to go on dates with her boyfriend alone.. constantly asks us to double date. Which is fine when we have time. Trying to get her to understand us not being able to show up for EVERYTHING... doesnt mean we dont care. Also, effective communication has been crucial to mend the situation. Through talking with you Im realizing a lot... So thanks so much for taking the time to respond! ☀️

[Sunshine425 in reply to Sunshine425]

She believes the world revolves around her and shes always right. And countless times shes cried or screamed at us like a toddler over us having to make time for my family too..... its sick.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sunshine425]

That's the problem then. She's so used to the behavior being accepted she sees nothing wrong with it.

She sounds selfish, expecting the world to revolve around her. It basically has.

In laws can be tough to deal with. It can be such a strain on your relationship. So, things have to be settled. You will have your own life together. She will be part of it but she will be taking a back seat and she won't like that.

Start setting some limits. One would be don't bother either one of you at work.

Unless it's true emergency.

Stick to your set of boundaries once they are made. Hopefully things will change.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Ditto Dolphin’s replies. 😎